Dung! 2: Electric Poopaloo

Quick Check

2008-10-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

My MLS predicts back in March were not too bad.

I did correctly guess the Eastern Conference spots 2-5 in the right order. But I blew the top spot and the dead last spot (Columbus, who were the best in the entire league).

I got top in the West right, but nothing else, besides Gullitt being out of LA before December.

Interesting note:
Back then, I picked a Houston-Chicago MLS Cup as I did tonight, but guessed Houston would win.

We'll see.

Be Seeing You.

The Five Women I'd Bang in Heaven

2008-10-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Absolutely in love with Jesse Sykes' "Reckless Burning". What a great song. Also rocking out to some great covers of "Bastards of Young" and "Common People" (by the inimitable William Shatner; my man Shat).

WHAT I'M READING: With the release of the fourth book in his Bush series, I have decided to re-read the entire series by Bob Woodward. Great, unbiased journalism.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Still the X-Files. Still soccer (playoffs start tomorrow!). Also watching the 34 films I've picked as the best of the last 34 years; up to 1977's Star Wars.

OKAY, so my beautiful wife Barefoot Adult and I had this challenge back in January to name our list of five possible sexual conquests. Now we have decided to review and renew our lists. So here goes mine.

If the opportunity ever arises, these are the five women I am allowed to sleep with by my wife.

In no real order:

5. Rachel Ray.
I think she was an alternate on last year's list. Yes, she is an attractive woman. But when I see Ray in her kitchen, cooking up some edibles, I get the image that this is a woman who knows what to do not just in the kitchen, but in bed also. She could work a man's tool like a spatula working an omelet. I just believe this woman could make my legs buckle with some sexual adventures.

4. Leighton Meester
My wife enjoys the Gossip Girl. I enjoy Miss Meester. Again, she is pretty. But I can also imagine her enjoying playtime in bed. Maybe it's just the headbands. I dunno. But she'd be fun, me thinks.

3. Kate Winslet
She always makes the list. Again, I just enjoy Kate. She's attractive, funny, smart, has the accent, and doesn't diet herself to death. Kate would take charge and lead me into an eternal sunshine.

2. Olivia Wilde
She of "House". Attractive with a hint of danger to her. Me likey Thirteen. My wife says she's a bi-sexual character. Interesting.

1. Jewel
I believe she was on here last year too. Just gorgeous, with a spunky persona about her. She's a wild poet from Alaska. Plus, if you saw her second album, there is a photo where she appears to be wiping her chin, like she just blew a guy before the photo was snapped. And she looks like she likes what it looks like she did (?).

These are women that I am allowed to sleep with. Now, a list of women I'd want to date long-term might be different (such as a Zoey Deschannel), but this is the sex list.

MLS PLAYOFFS
Start tomorrow. Should be good, though my beloved DC United are not involved. No more on that. Eight teams will compete for the right to play four more games and lift the gorgeous new MLS Cup trophy (named after Phil Anschultz, soccer's savior in America). Here are my predicts.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:
#1 Columbus Crew over #4 Kansas City Wizards
Will be tight, and a very good series me thinks. But the Crew should win.
#2 Chicago Fire over #3 New England Revolution
Three straight years the Revs have knocked the Fire out of the playoffs. Three straight years the Revs have been in MLS Cup. Six straight years the Revs have been in the Eastern Conference final. This year it should end. The Fire are dangerous and the Revs have a slew of injuries.

Final
#2 Chicago Fire over #1 Columbus Crew
Though the Crew won the Supporters Shield and 17 games out of 30, I can't see them getting to the MLS Cup. The Fire are tough and the Crew are very young. Should be a great game, but I think Blanco, McBride & Co. will win it.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Houston Dynamo over #4 New York Red Bulls
I see no way that New York wins this series. Houston are tough, have won the MLS title two straight years, and the Red Bulls are inconsistent at best.
#2 Club Deportivo Chivas USA over #3 Real Salt Lake
I'm going with Chivas here, but RSL could pull it out. There is always one upset in the opening round, and this has the best shot at it. Should be a fun one. May even need extra-time in the second leg to decide it.

Final
#1 Houston Dynamo over #2 Club Deportivo Chivas USA
The Dynamo are just too tough. Depth, talent, and a consistent lineup for about four years now. Should be an easy win here.

MLS CUP 2008
Chicago Fire over Houston Dynamo
I'm hoping here, because nobody has ever won three straight titles. DC United came close, winning the first two MLS Cups before losing to the Fire in 1998's final. DC would win title three the following year. But I digress. It's time for new blood up top. Chicago has a solid team with an attacking mindset. This would be one helluva good final, but I just don't think Houston can threepeat.

I hope not.

That's all I got. I'll have to look back at my pre-season picks to see how close I was (probably not very).

One last note, don't forget to vote next week. And if you do vote, vote Obama. We need him.

Be Seeing You.

TV's Best

2008-10-07T20:32:00.001-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A bunch of different things, but today I was really enjoying Martha Wainwright's "Bloody Motherfucking Asshole".

WHAT I'M READING: Trying to finish "The Wrecking Crew" by Thomas Franks. Interesting.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: We finally got to watch the season premiere of "The Office" tonight, which was funny. Still working through the James Bond collection.

SO I made the challenge to my wife, Barefoot Adult, to blog about her five favorite TV shows currently on TV. I mean shows that are still producing new material. My friend Adam started the thought in my head when he blurted out his five favorite shows one day when I was working his store. My wife and I enjoy the tube. She has many more programs she watches then I (I tend to go in more for TV on DVD myself), so I knew it would be hard for her to narrow it down. For me, it's almost tough to find five shows still running that I enjoy enough to make the list.

But here it goes:

5. Robot Chicken. It's very short, but rarely fails to deliver mucho laughs. Sick humor at times, immature at others, but funny is funny. If you've never seen what they do with the manger scene, hunt it down. Easy to sit through since it's quick, and it makes me laugh hard.

4. How I Met Your Mother. I don't watch it often on my own, usually just catching it while my wife watches it. But I do like it. The characters are endearing but also make me laugh. I especially enjoy Neil Patrick Harris as Barney. Again, another show that rarely fails to make me laugh.

3. The Ultimate Fighter. Spike TV's reality show done in conjunction with the UFC entertains. I get a strange kick out of these grown men behaving like idiots once they are put in this house. You are given a shot of a lifetime in the career you've chosen, and they still, season after season, drink too much and destroy the house. I like that I can never call the winner ahead of time. Keeps me guessing. I get a big kick out of UFC President Dana White. Here's the head of the company in one of the world's fastest growing sports, and the guy cannot, if his life depended on it, got three sentences without dropping the F-bomb. Even in tender moments, such as having to tell a fighter that his dream is over and he's off the show due to an injury, Dana sits there in "comforting father-figure mode", and still can't help but drop a few F-bombs. It's hilarious. Imagine if your company's boss constantly cursed in a meeting. One of the few shows I can never miss.

2. The Office. Yes, I still like the British version better (same as with the Brit version of football), but this is the finest show on network TV today. I'm not such a big fan of Steve Carrell's work here. He's very good at what he's trying to do, but I just find the Scott character so over the top bad as a boss that I cannot see how he wouldn't get axed. That's why the Brit version wins for me. Six episodes in season one, another six in season two, and Gervais's boss did get let go for his incompetence. Scott still having a job kinda takes me out of the show at times. But the supporting cast is great. We love Jim and Pam, but all the others are top shelf too. Barefoot Adult loves her some Creed. It's that office staff that keeps me coming back and loving the show. I just wonder when this documentary they're filming will ever be shown.

1. Football Matters. I left my soccer off the list here because the games are not technically TV shows for me. Yes, soccer would be my entire top five if I just chose games, but this is a list of TV programs. In that case, this is the best show on the planet for me. It's on Setanta Sports every Monday night for 90 minutes. It's a simple show. James Richardson and Rebecca Lowe host in front of a studio audience of footie fans representing each team in the English Premier League. Every week, they are joined by three "experts". The experts range from former refs to retired players to current or former managers. They simply discuss the past weekend's footie action from England's top flight, with some side jaunts here and there onto other football topics. It originates in England. I just love this show. I get a kick out of Richardson's slight humor and toss-off puns. This past week one of the guests was marveling at how once in a scrabble game, he had the right letters to spell out "Tottenham", the name of a club. Without a seconds pause, Richardson added "Of course you only got two points for that". Now, if you don't know your English footie, it's meaningless. But if you know that right now Tottenham are bottom of the league with only two points out of the first seven games, it's hilarious. Even more so because they always cut to the fans in the studio of whatever club he's just jabbed at. Add in Rebecca Lowe, who at first glance isn't much to look at. But week after week, she's gained hotness in my eyes. A large part is due to her accent and her knowledge (and love) of football. Now she's like a English Sex Goddess to me. Plus they always have her scrambling into the studio audience to ask the fans questions. I enjoy that she never just lets them answer, but always challenges what they've stated.

Add to that the fact that every now and then she tosses out a "blimey", and I'm in TV studio hostess love.

Most people would probably not care much for the show. My wife only likes it because she too has a thing for the accents. But I absolutely love this program. It's my favorite, and Monday's would not be the same without it.

Football Matters. Mondays at 9:30 pm on Setanta Sports. Check it out.

So there's my list. Ball's in your court, Barefoot Adult.

Challenge!

Be Seeing You.

End of a Saga, Beginning of a Dynasty

2008-09-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some "Willy Wonka" soundtrack that the boy picked out at the library.

WHAT I'M READING: Just finished a multitude of soccer magazines. Plus still working through some Frank books.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Well, soccer. Duh. Plus more, which is hinted at in the above title and will be explained below in the body of the post.

SO after many weeks and billions of questions, the boy and I finished the Star Wars SAGA. He enjoyed it, though he missed 95% of the dialogue because he was peppering me with questions along the lines of "Why doesn't the Emperor have a child?" (which in Jude speak tends to come out as "Empirate") or "Where's Han Solo's daddy?" or "Why's Yoda a bad guy?" (because Yoda looks angry when talking to Mace Windu) or "Who's that?" (which was asked roughly ten times about Luke Skywalker IN RETURN OF THE JEDI!)

It was fun though. Cool to sit with my boy and see him experience these films for the first time. After some time, I'm sure I'll look forward to watching them with Sully when he's old enough.

One quick observation. The new "trilogy" is not nearly as bad as so many make it sound. In some ways, I like it as much as the original "trilogy". I mean, as bad as Jar-Jar is, the Ewoks are just as annoying to me. The acting in Jedi is lacking in parts, which you don't notice when you're nine years old. Natalie Portman is way too hot to be Carrie Fisher's mom. Okay, Fisher in Star Wars IV is pretty attractive, minus the cinnabons on her head. But in Star Wars VI, just six years later? The woman is shoe leather rough looking. Even the skimpy sex slave outfit (which is nice) only covers up a face that has been ravaged by what looks like six straight years of coke binges.

I love the political stuff in the new trilogy. Looking back on it, the Emperor's plan is brilliant. A brilliant set up of the Jedi and grab for power.

Call me an idiot, but the first three stand up well with the second three in my book.

To finish the title, after finishing the saga, I've moved on to a DYNASTY. That is, the twenty-one films in the James Bond ouevre (I probably misspelled the hell out of that). Thus far, I'm three films in. Good stuff. Yes, yes, Sean Connery is the best Bond. But I've always thought Lazenby had tremendous potential if he stuck around past one film. He was damn good. Moore is good too, but a little lighter. Dalton was okay, but for me the worst. Brosnan was the best choice at the time. So far, one film in, I've no problem with Craig. I would like to see him lighten up, and he needs a Q and a Moneypenny to play off. But Casino Royale was good. It'll take a long time to finish all the films, but I'm trying.

After that, I'll probably move on to the Living Dead films of Mr. Romero. Once through that, I might be ready for the films of Andrei Tarkovsky. The legendary Russian filmmaker who made films that moved slightly slower than molasses running down a tar hill.

But Solaris is brilliant. And I can't die until I understand at least three minutes of his sci-fi film "Stalker".

ONE MORE THING:
I picked my winners for the best in cinema 2007. You can check the link on the last blog, as it has been updated.

OR

You can just read this.

MAKE-UP: La Vie En Rose
COSTUME DESIGN: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
VISUAL EFFECTS: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
ART DIRECTION: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
SOUND: There Will Be Blood
FILM EDITING: Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
CINEMATOGRAPHY: There Will Be Blood
ORIGINAL MUSIC SCORE: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: No End in Sight
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Paul Thomas Anderson "There Will Be Blood"
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Cristian Mungiu "4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days"
SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Amy Ryan "Gone Baby Gone"
SUPPORTING ACTOR: Casey Affleck "The Assassination of Jesse James..."
ACTRESS: Marina Hands "Lady Chatterley"
ACTOR: Daniel Day-Lewis "There Will Be Blood"
DIRECTOR: Andrew Dominik "The Assassination of Jesse James..."
BEST PICTURE 2007: The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

That's how I see it. I recommend any of them for viewing. Enjoy.

And if you hate it, don't blame me. Blame yourself for trusting an idiot who writes a blog called "Dung 2: Electric Poopaloo".

Be Seeing You.

And the Nominees are...(plus random thoughts)

2008-09-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some "Yankee Foxtrot Hotel" by Wilco.

WHAT I'M READING: A hilarious book about youth soccer written by a Scotsman living in America coaching an inept team. It's called "Kick the Ball". Even if you hate soccer, this book is hilarious.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Well, some MLS action, some Football Matters (probably my favorite show in TV), and some movies...see below for more. Oh, and we did finally see The Dark Knight (helluva movie!)

AND THE NOMINEES ARE....Some may know, few may care, but I have another blog that is dedicated to my own version of the Academy Awards called The Jeff Awards (nice name, huh?). Every year I watch movies and decide on what I think are the best of the best. The last three years, that list was 100 films long. But time is short. This year, the list was 100 films long, but I set myself a time limit. Well, the time limit is up now. I only made it through 80 films released in 2007, but here is a link to the blog detailing the nominees for the uberprestigious Jeff Awards. Enjoy, complain, ignore, or use the list as a resource when you wish to see a good or great movie.

http://jeffawards.blogstream.com/

It's always fun to do. Now that the movies have been watched and the nominations announced, the only thing left to do is watch those five Best Picture nominees again, to see which is truly the best. I force my wife, Barefoot Adult, to watch any that she hasn't already seen. Thus far, she's sat through "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" and "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", and thought both were excellent.

Of course, she doesn't get a vote :)

MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS:
Some things floating around in my head on a fine Labor Day morning.

1. Still loving my time at the gym. I recently moved all my weights up. Results are starting to come in. I'm down to 209 (or 211 depending on the day). I'm able to run on the treadmill, at ever increasing rates of speed, without dying, so that's good. All around, I'm loving my Cardinal Fitness membership.

2. Well, the Democratic convention is over. I actually watched the speeches of both Biden and Obama. Good stuff there. Obama's speech was the kind that makes you think that things can really change for the better for all Americans. And I do like Biden as a VP.

With the GOP and McCain not really offering any change, and actually arguing that things are good right now in America, there's no way I can vote for him. Obama's speech made me proud that I'll be voting for him in November.

As for McCain's running mate choice, it's too early to tell. Maybe she is as great as some conservatives are saying, but I'll wait and see there. Even if she is that awesome, she's still just the VP choice, and McCain is still the candidate.

3. I never did make my annual English Premiership predictions this year. Well, as much as I love Manchester United, I'm thinking they might not be able to threepeat as champions. Chelsea are looking very strong right now, and have an excellent coach in Scolari. If I had to pick, I'd say Chelsea to win it all, with Man U finishing second. As far as the relegation battle, I see Hull and Stoke going right back down, joined by another club that I haven't decided on yet.

World Cup qualifiers have kicked off for the USA, and with a big win on the road. Got games coming up Saturday in Cuba, and next week in Bridgeview, IL versus Trinidad & Tobago. For Europe, the long qualifying process begins this weekend.

4. If you aren't part of the $500 million worth of viewers who've seen The Dark Knight, go do it. It's an excellent film. Not the best ever, and Ledger does not give the greatest performance ever, but it is a damn good piece of film.

5. Enjoy the holiday, get outside, and relax. Hard to believe it's already Labor Day. Summertime flew by. Seems like just yesterday that the pool was first put up, and the water didn't get warm fast enough, so that the swimming was ice cold. Now, the night's get cooler, and the water doesn't warm fast enough, so that the swimming is ice cold.

That's all I got.

Be Seeing You.

For Mojo

2008-08-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Right now, the keys being typed.

WHAT I'M READING: Right now, this blog as I type it.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Right now, the computer screen as I...okay, lame joke is old already. Actually, I've got the Superclassico betwixt LA Galaxy and Chivas USA ready to go on the DVR.

But first...

PER Mojo's request, since we like to keep the people happy (and Mojo is good people), here is the listing, in order, of the mix CD I burned to facilitate better writing on my little project.

1. World at Large by Modest Mouse
2. Banana Puddin' by Southern Culture on the Skids
3. Comfort Eagle by Cake
4. Tenderness by General Public
5. Country Funk by Southern Culture on the Skids
6. Apple Candy by Ben Lee
7. Cheated Hearts by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
8. Engine Driver by The Decembrists
9. Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Greg Laswell
10. All the Way Down by Glen Hansard
11. Title & Registration by Death Cab for Cutie
12. You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban
13. Karma Police by Radiohead
14. Swans by Unkle Bob
15. Trouble by Lindsey Buckingham
16. Alone With You by The Outfield (pure 80's trash)
17. Marching Bands of Manhattan by Death Cab for Cutie
18. Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by Modest Mouse

If you know the tunes, you might be able to piece the story together.

And I'll have to kill you.

Except for Mojo.

(Mojo is good people).

ONE quick thought for the night:
1. Why the hell do smokers think the littering laws do not apply to them? They toss the butts out the windows as they drive, or drop them on the ground mere inches from an ashtray, with wanton disregard for the laws of the land. What the hell is up with that? If I were to toss a receipt out my window, people would have a conniption. So why do we all turn a blind eye when Johnny Tracheotomy decides he's done with his life-shortener and figures he can't be bothered to actually dispose of it properly?

If I was a cop, I'd pull their asses over, then stick my nightstick up their asses until they were spitting splinters out, and write a ticket for littering splinters too.

After that, I figure I'd lose my job and/or get sent to prison.

But sometimes you gots to stand up for things you believe in!

Be Seeing You.

Writer's Block

2008-08-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Enjoying some "These Things That I've Done" by The Killers. Awesome tune. Plus, I got soul, but I'm no soldier either.

WHAT I'M READING: A book on Buddhism, called "The Big Questions" by Lama Surya Das. It's supposed to help me find my own damn answers to life's essential mysteries, or so the cover tells me.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: STILL working my way through 2007 films. More on that soon. Today it was Rescue Dawn, which is dawn good. Plus, X-Files and English football. So the usual.

THIS past week I finished an outline for a new original screenplay. This is a big deal, because I haven't written a completely new original screenplay since 2004, and before that it was 2001. Sure, I've done some rewrites. But nothing entirely new. And now I've got a outline.

And it's good.

See, I always have ideas kicking around in my head. Always. Right now, if I had no fear of a reader (there is really only one, isn't there) stealing an idea and making it not only better but actually getting it sold, I could toss out four or five original new ideas for scripts that I've got stored in there, always working and reworking them in preparation for writing them.

But that has been my problem. I'm always reworking, but not writing. Recently, the reality of it all hit me in the face like a slimy salami (or sweaty spaghetti if you like the alliteration). Without even realizing it, I had given up (this being the malaise I foreshadowed last blog out). In my head, I gave up the dream of writing a screenplay and actually seeing it make it into a movie on a big screen somewhere (even if it was only somebody's 32 TV). I settled for the fact that I wasn't a writer. That I wasn't any good. That it was all just a...well, a dream. A dream I'd never bring into reality.

It hit me hard. See, I've always had sucky retail jobs because in my mind, I was a writer (a writer of fiction, for you Decembrist fans). So these jobs were just temporary. Something to pay the bills until daddy sold his baby for cold hard sheckles.

Tangent, but could a sheckle be anything else but cold and hard? I can't picture a soft sheckle for the life of me.

But at some point recently, those temporary jobs became my (and I hate to even type the word) career. And writing? That was just a fantasy that would never happen.

It really tore me up. Close to depression. To give up something I've always dreamed about. Well, not always. But since fourth grade when I "wrote" my first book, a fifteen page illustrated tome called "Attack of the Sludge Monster", in which my friends and I defeated (take a guess)...the Sludge Monster.

Throughout school, and even into college, whenever I was asked what I wanted to be, the answer was a writer. Coupled with my love of film, and screenwriting was the goal. I even wasted four years studying to be a secondary education teacher because I thought having all the time off would allow me to write. I didn't love teaching, but that wouldn't matter because very soon I would be a professional writer.

The dream died. But now it's back. One day I woke up and realized that my plight would fit perfectly into the antagonist of one idea floating in my head. Because he was already a writer (in his head), why not give him my problems. They say you should write what you know. This is what I know, so why not write it?

Now, I've got a completed outline. I've burned a CD of music to inspire me. Most importantly, I'm not only ready to write the damn thing, but confident that it is good enough to make some agent's job easy.

I've even got an opening line. "They say you should write what you know. This is what I know." (is there an echo on this blog? Actually, with so few readers, there might be).

It's good stuff, and I'm excited. The dream is back. So now I just have to write this cinematic masterpiece and sell it. But that's the easy part. Getting here was the hard part.

The title? "Writer, blocked".

Wish me luck.

Be seeing you.

Notes from the Thousand Acre Woods

2008-08-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A mix CD I burned to help facilitate writing, plus I'm working my way through our Tori Amos collection. When she's on, she's on. When she's not, I have to suffer through five horrible minutes.

WHAT I'M READING: Nothing really, outside of Entertainment Weekly. Need to hit the library soon.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Last film was, I believe Southland Tales, which is one fucked up film; it's a love-it-or-hate-it picture which I think I enjoyed. Definitely out there; curious how it ever got made. Not for the mainstream. Oh, and MLS action of course.

ONCE again I've been gone too long. Seems like every day I tell myself "Today is the day I blog", and then I never get around too it.

But here I am, forcing my hand as it is almost midnight. Some quick tidbits:

1. I discovered it long ago, and have it confirmed at least once or twice weekly. I've married Winnie the Pooh. My wife is Winnie, there can be no doubt. She use to shrug off the comparison at first, but now she accepts the facts. Hard to describe on a blog without spending half the night in the details. To crib a line from the excellent "All the Real Girls" film: "When you see her, you'll know."

She gets into Pooh-like predicaments. No matter how careful she is, somehow something always ends up on her shirts. I can't buy extra large jars o' honey because I'm certain it would wind up stuck on her head. I say it all out of love for her, but she's definitely a Pooh.

2. Anybody watching the travesty that is "America's Got Talent"? We occassionally forget to change the channel at night when it's on. Last week, some old lady and her daughter got up there and whistled a tune. The snide British judge (is there any other kind?) remarked how he couldn't fathom having to listen to people whistle for another minute, much less a whole hour. This is where it got my attention. The old lady proceeded to tell him that she has whistled for up to three hours for people, and they loved it. These people told the old hag they couldn't believe it.

Nor can I.

THREE FRIGGIN' HOURS of whistling! Who the hell could do that? Why would you? Why would you force that bullshit onto other living human beings? Who sits there for three damn hours listening to an old lady pass wind through her lips rather than her asscheeks? Either the old bint is lying, or she has put guests through the misery. But what level of moron would sit there for three hours? After thirty minutes I'd be raising my hand and asking "Is that all there is?" Another five minutes after that, I'd be rushing out the door with some excuse. And even if you could sit there for 180 minutes of whistling (dixie), would you really be happy at the end? I'd be strangling the bitch with the nearest blunt object. I'd put a steel-toed boot between those lips and tell her to whistle some blood. There's no way in hell anybody who just sat through three hours of whistling could be happy about it. I'd rather lose a testicle to an overzealous, underfed gerbil. No way they could have seriously complimented that bullshit.

"Nice whistling, grandma. Now hand me that gun so I can put a bullet in both our heads."

Let us not assume politeness to mean a respect for your talent, old raggedy bitch. Two minutes of that Guns & Roses song with whistling and I'm ready to drive off a cliff. There is nobody, not one single person, who honestly wants more than fifteen good solid minutes of whistling.

3. Went to the fair last week, and had us some fun. But aren't carnies the most miserable looking folks on the planet? Have you ever seen a carnie with a smile on his face? Or even faking a half-hearted grin? The guys taking our tickets last week for the rides appeared to have cattle rods up the keister. I haven't seen faces that grim at funerals. I know it probably gets tiresome after awhile, but at least fake like you are enjoying some aspect of your job once in a great while.

4. This should make any baseball fan out there want to punch me in the throat. This coming Wednesday, my company is taking us to a Cubs game as a reward for a lot of hard work this past month. Not just to a Cubs game, mind you, but to a Cubs game on the famed rooftop.

Now, I couldn't care less for baseball unless an old woman wasted three hours during the seventh inning stretch whistling "Take Me Out to the Ballgame", but I've agreed to go. For one simple reason.

The food.

I'm told by others that the rooftop is the only place to watch a game because the food is magnificent. Now, even if it's merely good, I'm okay with it. Because it's free. I never complain about free food. I may not partake of it, but I won't complain about it. You could serve me raw roadkill with a turd halfway squeezed out and I wouldn't utter a word of complaint.

So I'm wasting my day off to see the Cubs play, just for the food.

5. My wife hurt her back somehow this weekend. We're not sure yet. Might be that she dreamed her grandmother was serenading her with THREE FUCKING HOURS of whistling and tried to strangle the demon of her dreams. Anywho, the back is in pain. So yesterday I took her to the local place of healing to see what is the problem (much better than the date we had lined up of seeing The Dark Knight). Now, the most important thing after her getting some pills to help with the pain is that her doctor's name was, and this is 100% true, Dr. Doctor.

If your last name is Doctor, do you feel obligated to go into the field? Would you be a bit embarrassed if you turned out to be a janitor at the local porn shop? "Hey, Jizzmopper Doctor, get over here and clean out booth three. Can't you see the line forming?"

"My name is Doctor, and I'll be your waiter tonight."

"Hey Doctor! Throw some more fries in the vat. The dinner rush is on."

You name a character in a book that, and every reviewer in America will mock you for the childish humor.

6. Speaking of The Dark Knight, we still want to see it. I'm a big Batman fan, and love what Nolan did with Batman Begins. But I fear the hype is in overdrive now, too much so. What follows are actual comments I've been told, word for bloody word, from people who've seen it.

"It's the greatest movie ever." (Really? The Dark Knight? Everybody gets an opinion, but if this is the greatest movie ever, cinema is in trouble)

"Heath Ledger gives the greatest acting performance ever." (Again, really? I'm not doubting he's good, but greatest ever? Better than Denzel in Malcolm X? Kinglsey in Gandhi? Welles in Citizen Kane? Peck in "Mockingbird"?)

"If Ledger doesn't win the Oscar, I'll hurt somebody." (He may, he may not. But does somebody deserve to be hurt over that? And who exactly will you hurt?)

"If he (Ledger) doesn't get the Academy Award, it'll be the biggest ripoff ever."(Maybe so,maybe history will show that Heath not getting the award is a bigger ripoff than those scams targeted at the elderly, or the whole Amway pyramid scheme-but I got doubts)

"It's the most intense experience of my life." (Try driving on the highways outside of Atlanta, when you've got to cross five lanes of morning rush hour traffic in less than a quarter mile to hit your exit as my Pooh-esque wife did)

"I'd let two dudes have a dick swordfight in my mouth to see it again." (Nice, Uncle Ron, real nice. Okay, I made this one up)

"I saw it twice already. Probably see it another four times on the big screen." (If you like it, whatever, but surely there is some other movie you can invest it and whittle it down to just four or five viewings on the big screen; this quote was told to me THREE DAYS after it opened)

It does look awesome, and I have high hopes. But there is part of me thinking that people would not be all that quick to label Ledger's performance the best of all time had he not died.

Personally, I can't imagine he's better here than in Brokeback Mountain (which I saw with Uncle Ron, oddly enough), but anything is possible.

I'll let you know my own thoughts when we see it.

7. That's all I got for now. But I plan to be back sooner next time. I hope to blog on my recent period of writing malaise. Plus, the English football season is about to kick off. The lower leagues start this coming weekend, than next weekend the Premiership begins.

I don't know about y'all, but that's got my balls a-sweating.

Be Seeing You.

Hard Wood Floors and Baby Heads: A War of Attrition

2008-07-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: "Tunnels" by Arcade Fire is one hell of an awesome song.

WHAT I'M READING: Same damn book. It's good, but it's also over 400 pages. And I do all of my reading these days on the toilet, so it takes awhile.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Tonight, it will be a documentary called "Crazy Love".

SO back in late April my mother-in-law talked us into tearing our carpet out and sticking with the loverly hardwood floors. They are beautiful.

The only problem is we have a nine month old baby. And this baby is reckless, like his older brother. He's also just learning to crawl. And his sitting is still in the rookie stages.

A dangerous combo.

Last week, he was trying to crawl. Head just two or three inches off the floor. And he dipped his head down, colliding with the hardwood floor.

It wasn't the first time, but it was the worst. Because while his mother held him for comfort, I could see his little face over her shoulder. It was one of the scariest moments ever. Because he was out of it for three seconds. Punch drunk. I've watched enough boxing and MMA to see fighters who take that hard blow to the head and are out of it. My little boy was out of it. For that brief moment in time, I knew he was going to pass out. I was fearing concussion, or worse. That was the look in his little eyes.

I quickly swooped in, afraid for my boy but also not wanting his mother to see that look. She can't handle her boys in pain. Well, not in pain like that. He snapped back into it shortly after, and finally cried. I was glad to hear those tears.

Since then, he's bopped his head again, in the same spot. So you have a nasty bruise and a nasty bump on top of it. But he keeps plugging along, smiling, and finally yesterday crawling for the first time.

SO here's the big gym schedule I proudly crowed about in my last blog.

MONDAY:
1. Treadmill-15 minutes (upping the speed every two minutes)
2. V-Crunches-2 sets of 20 each.
3. Torso Rotation-2 sets 20 each at 70 pounds.
4. Abdominal Isolator-2 sets of 10. First is 70 pounds, second is 80.
5. Abdominal Crunch-2 sets of 10 each. First is 50 pounds, second is 60.
6. Seated Dip-2 sets 10 each. First is 70, second is 80.
7. Bicep Curls-2 sets 10 each. First is 80 pounds, second is 95.
8. Shoulder Press-2 sets 10 each. First is 60, second is 70.
9. Pec Fly/Rear Delt-2 sets 10 each. First is 80 pounds, second is 90.
10. Vertical Chest Press-2 sets 10 each. First is 80 pounds, second is 90.
11. Pulldown-2 sets 10 each. First is 70 pounds, second is 80.
12. Vertical Row-2 sets 10 each. First is 60, second is 70.
WEDNESDAY:
All twelve of my Monday duties, plus
13. Tricep Extension-2 sets 10 each. First is 70 pounds, second is 85.
14. Lateral Raise-2 sets 10 each. First is 50, second is 60.
15. Chest Press-2 sets 10 each. First is 40 pounds each bar, second is 50 pounds each bar. This one you have to adjust weights for both bars.
16. MTS Row-2 sets 10 each. First is 40 on each bar. Second is 50 on each bar.
17. Leg Lift-2 sets 10 each. First is 100 pounds, second is 120.
18. Another turn on treadmill for ten minutes.
FRIDAY:
I do the first five from Monday to get the gut down. Then I do #13, #6,#7,#14,#15,#10 and #16.

So there you have it. The weights are not much right now, because I'm just starting out. But they'll be moving up every two weeks. And one day, I'll be in shape again.

Maybe.

Be Seeing You.

This is Amazing

2008-07-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Have you heard "Cheated Hearts" by Yeah Yeah Yeah's? I have.

WHAT I'M READING: Still plowing through that book on the 9/11 Commission. Good shit.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: More 2007 films, such as Superbad and Diving Bell & the Butterfly. Good stuff. Plus the Superclassico betwixt Los Angeles Galaxy and CD Chivas USA.

SO it's been a week since the holiday. Hope everybody enjoyed their Fourth. Did get to hear a pretty big firework display late that night, so all is well.

A better week this week. Got back into the gym. Finally worked out a weekly schedule for myself, which I will be posting next time. Right now it's in my gym bag, which is in the bedroom, in which the lovely Barefoot Adult is snoozing. But I'm happy with it, and very glad to get back into my gym routine after a week off. Went all three times, which is good.

Things are starting to heat up in the Summer of 2008. We've been getting into the pool quite frequently lately. Jude is loving it, and Sullivan appears to like the water too. He smiles as he kicks his legs and splashes his hands. Daddy enjoys keeping it clean.

See, the ole Dungmaster is a clean freak. Anal about it, even. I can't just let a dirty situation go. Dirty clothes must be washed now. Tonight. Not tomorrow, or next time. Dirty dishes cannot sit in the sink overnight. I don't care if I have to wash dishes at eleven in the P.M. and am folding a load of laundry while starting another load at midnight thirty. Same goes with picking up the house. No toy can be out of its designated spot after the kid's are in bed.

It's a sickness really. Good for my family because the house is usually clean. But I can be too picky about it sometimes. It's just in my blood. And it's no different in the pool. I see a leaf or a drowned bug float by, and I'm going for the net before you can see "Anal Asshole".

Cleaning is something I'm very good at. Upward mobility in my job is not. I've been doing the same job since I started with Edy's. It's a good job, but not something that brings me great pride. But last week I was shopping with the boys at the local SuperTarget and pointing out to Jude which sections of the ice cream I had filled just two days before. I pointed out the Haagen Dasz door. Jude stared for a moment, than looked at me with his big wide eyes.

"Daddy, this is amazing."

I've rarely in my entire life felt as good as I did right then. It's not a prestige job, and any old fool could do it with minimal effort. But to hear my special boy say that to me was incredible.

IT'S question time, kiddies. Every now and then I just have questions about things in this world. Things that truly stump me. I plan to share some with you, my faithful reader, when I can remember them.

1. How does one get a circle jerk going amongst friends? I can believe two guys hanging out and talking each other into a jerk-off session. It's just two guys who could keep a secret. But how a group of five or more guys can talk themselves into whipping out the cocks and stroking for glory is beyond my comprehension.

2. Why do twenty-year old kids working the frozen department think they know more about running an ice cream business than people who've been doing it globally for decades? I can't believe the amount of times some young punk will gladly reveal to me what my company needs to do different to be better.

3. Speaking of ice cream, it's pronounced E-Dees, people. I am now officially offended by the people who come up and refer to me and my company as "Eddies". There's one friggin' "D", people. "Edy's". I've never met an "Eddy" who spelled his name with one friggin' "D".

4. Why do so many people go bonkers over the Mexican immigrants who don't speak English fluently, yet have no problem with the Amish. I love the Amish myself. But they live here without paying taxes and almost always speak in Dutch, and nobody cares.

That's all I got right now, but more will come to me. This world just confuses me sometimes.

A major event is coming next week. On Friday, in one location will be the internet blogging phenoms from Dung!2, Barefoot Adult, AND Parenthetical. We should all get together and have a blog jerk.

It's late, I'm tired, and the bed is calling my name. Time to get some rest. But I will return soon.

Be Seeing You.

Happy Birthday America!

2008-07-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A different version of "All Along the Watchtower" by Yul Anderson that I think I like more than either famous version.

WHAT I'M READING: The Commission, about the 9/11 commission.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Movies, the last of which was the not-so-good "The Kingdom". Also some soccer on the TV.

BUSY week at work. Too damn busy. Got off just before or after five every day. That means I didn't get to the gym one day this week. Also that I had to do my laundry overnight. I hate working way too much. It ruins my schedule.

Nice Fourth of July this year. No fireworks, again. But that's okay. With two small children, we can't stay up that late. My wife's hometown in Southwest Michigan has a great display every year, but it doesn't start until 10:30 or 11 pm. So we haven't seen any major firework displays since 2002. But for me, it's more about spending a nice day off in summer weather with family. We go to my father-in-law's every year and today was no exception. A fun day.

With working so much this week, not much time to organize my thoughts in blog form. So I'll cut it off here and hope to rejoin you next week, buff and ready to go, with clean clothes.

Hope you all had a great Independence Day. Happy Birthday USA.

Be Seeing You.

No Pain, No Gain

2008-06-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A CD from the library called Tune Toons. I spoke of it before, with the horrid Popeye theme song. A recent trip to the library has brought it back into my life.

WHAT I'M READING: Alan Alda's first memoir "Never Have Your Dog Stuffed", because I've always liked Alda. A huge MASH fan.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Viewed No Country for Old Men today. Awesome film. I've seen all five Oscar nominees now, and three (this, Juno, There Will Be Blood) were excellent films. Kudos to the Academy. I watched I'm Not There last night. Pretty good, but it took me awhile to come to that conclusion. A love it/hate it type film with enough smoking to kill your grandma.

THREE weeks back I broke down and joined a local gym. I'd had enough of being out of shape. Back in 1998, a friend conned me into going to his gym, and I joined up. I got into it after awhile, and enjoyed my thrice weekly visits. But about mid-2000 it became easier to not go. I had just gotten engaged and was spending mucho time with my now-wife. Plus with work and other things, I seemed to always find an excuse to not go. So I quit.

Usually I hover between 185-200. I got up to 210 in early 2004, but after a very stressful time on third shift and several illnesses, I dropped thirty pounds quickly. So quickly I didn't even notice until somebody told me. I was happy at 180.

Then I got a job at Edy's Ice Cream. Most of the time is spent in my car. I wound up eating my lunches as I drove. The weight came back, big time.

I topped out, about a month ago, at 222. A gut that scared and insulted me whenever I looked at it.

So I finally broke down and joined a local gym. It's only about six minutes from home, and costs under twenty bucks per month. Plus there's no membership; it's month-by-month. So little excuse not to go. The first two weeks, I worked exclusively on cardio. Running on the treadmill for fifteen minutes (usually got over two miles in), then doing some crunches, then hitting the bike for another fifteen to twenty minutes (usually got over five miles, I rule on the bike). Some more crunches, and I went home.

This week, I broke that routine. I started hitting the weight machines. Unlike some, I really enjoy lifting weights. I had forgotten just how much until Monday, when I started. I still warm up for ten on the treadmill, but then hit the machines. I work my way down one row, hitting every machine, before working back on the other (skipping some machines, as I don't work my legs too much).

I feel great. Sore, but great. Of course I overdo it. But I get into the work-out and forget to pace myself. Right now I can barely lift my right arm to my ear, as I've somehow bruised the back of my bicep. But I'm loving my time in the gym. It gives me a high like no other.

If you're thinking about joining a gym, just do it (don't sue, Nike). You'll feel great.

ONE quick observation. How low has TV sunk that we now have a reality show where young couples are given the BABIES of other couples to raise for a few weeks, in order to prepare them. Those babies must feel loved to be handed off by their parents. And what is the point? You treat your own kids much better than others. You tolerate more. You sacrifice more.

It just seems, to me, to be the dumbest reality show yet. Even worse than swapping wives.

Be Seeing You.

Scully Size Me!

2008-06-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Track number six on The Fountain soundtrack is getting a lot of play lately. It's a gorgeous little piece called Xabulba (I know I misspelled that to all-hell) that puts me in a reflective mood as I drive.

WHAT I'M READING: Finally got that dull-ass McCain book out of my life. It was like steroids, in that it made me very angry and shriveled by penis. Now on to the June/July issue of MajorLeagueSoccer magazine (glad to see it still going strong, as the last major U.S. soccer magazine-Striker-only lasted three issues). Next book up is something called "A Nation of Wimps: the high cost of invasive parenting" by Hara Estroff Marano. I'm reading it to hone yet another way to scar my children forever before age five.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Enjoyed the UFC Ultimate Finale last night LIVE on Spike TV. Pretty damn good fight card and I actually like the fella who won the Ultimate Fighter 7 (Amir Sadallah if you care). Plus, Evan Tanner was sporting the Hobo Beard (tm). And, of course, season four of the X-Files. Not to mention Euro 2008.

OKAY, let me put this down for the record right now. Season Four of the X-Files is the height of Scully hotness. She looked damn good before, and she'll continue making me tingle for five more seasons (and two movies). But she never looked more attractive, nor ever seemed more intelligent than in Season Four. I'd punch my mother in the throat to have just a few seconds alone with Scully. Hell, she could sit naked next to my bed reading Shakespearian sonnets whilst I jingle-jangle-jingle for all I care.

It is definitely the combination of heart stopping attractive looks, intelligence, medical knowledge, an allegiance to doing what is right, and her command of her weapon that wrap itself up into one awesome, eye-popping Scully in a blanket.

I don't know if Gillian Anderson is smart or not, nor do I wish to find out. My attraction is to Agent Scully. Definitely in the top three hottest TV characters of all-time pantheon.

Mulder's not so bad either (that's for you, honey).

SPEAKING of the Hobo Beard (tm), every time I see a man with one, I get jealous. I also get the strong desire to grow a beard and let it go all funky and hobo-style. A Soup Saver I call it. You know, when the guy lets his beard grow long and mangy, like a street bum or a mountain man, or a MMA fighter (thanks to Kimbo Slice and Evan Tanner).

The only thing stopping me is a wife who hates beards. I can probably talk her into letting me grow a beard, but could never get her support on letting it get all bushy and such.

But I swear to all you faithful readers (both of you) that if I ever go off on my own to finish my great screenplay or novel, that I shall grow a Hobo Beard (tm) whilst writing, and come out of my cabin-in-the-woods seclusion with some fresh pages and a beard that made Tom Berenger's fake beard in Gettysburg look like a bikini-waxed pubic region.

Think Scully would find that hot?

Be Seeing You.

Interview with a Jackass

2008-06-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The soundtrack to "There's Something About Mary", especially Danny Wilson's "Mary's Prayer" which is a nice little tune.

WHAT I'M READING: The dull McCain book still holds me captive, but luckily it's due back tomorrow so I'll be rid of it. It's like a spell, really.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: X-Files with no lights on. Euro 2008 as it heads to the quarter-finals. Plus, I got "No Country for Old Men" for Father's Day so I want to watch it soon. Way too late to be seeing last year' s Best Picture.

HOPE everybody had a great Father's Day. Mine was excellent. Morning with the boys and wife, afternoon with the in-laws up North. A wonderful dinner, some time at a brand new park, and gorgeous weather. It was good.

Today, not as such.

Had my second interview. I touched on it briefly last time, thinking it might be exciting news. But as the good book says "We may be through with the past, but the past is not through with us." See, it's with this company. First interview went well. Not great, but I'm never a great interview. But good. This time, I was more prepared than ever before. I had notes written down, questions written out. My wife did internet research on the company. I was prepared to rock this bitch.

It went downhill quickly. The lady I interviewed with last time was there, but so was some guy. Maybe her boss. Not sure. They sat me down across from both of them. He smiled and said it wasn't an interrogation. Then he spent the next forty-five minutes interrogating me. Short of the waterboarding, it was as close to Gitmo as I'll get in this lifetime.

See, somebody who once was the assistant manager at a store I worked for long ago apparently also works at this company. And apparently he didn't speak highly of me. I can only think of one real reason why, since we were always on good terms. He had been fired from that old company shortly after I left for stealing money from the cash drawers. I think maybe he didn't want me there to rat him out, as I can't believe they would have hired him if he told them what he did.

I'll break it down. At that job, I was the third shift manager. I was okay. Not great. I didn't love the job, but I did it. Unfortunately, I was caught between two bosses. One was the grocery manager, who was my direct boss. The other was the store manager, boss of all. They didn't like each other. They also constantly gave me conflicting orders. The grocery manager would tell me one thing. I'd have my guys and I do it. The store manager would get mad and tell me off. So I'd do it his way next time. The grocery manager would get mad and tell me off. I'd explain "Well, the Store Manager told me to do it this way." That would just get me chewed out, because it was his grocery department. I'd tell the store manager "Well, the Grocery Manager told me to do this" and I'd get yelled at that it was his store. No win.

After a few lies from the store manager (various, some about pay, some about shifts), I got fed up. Around Thanksgiving, I got so sick I couldn't leave the bathroom for hours. When I called off, both told me I showed a lack of commitment and was nothing but a disappointment to the company for letting my team down. That my team didn't care was beside the point. I was told to get the holiday backstock out of the backroom in two days or I'd be fired. My crew and I did it. I was proud of them. But behind my back, my assistant was being told that he'd have my job soon anyway, because they were going to find some reason to get rid of me. Nice way to run a business, huh?

So in December I put in for a job with a certain ice cream company. I got interviewed. I got the job, pending a drug test. Now, I don't do drugs. Ever. Not so much as even smoking once in my life. So I knew I would pass it. But the ice cream company told me not to put in my notice until they had an official negative drug test. So I didn't. I told my crew, but nobody else. Being the holiday season, it took an abnormally long time to get that drug test result back.

During that long wait, the store manager decided to demote me. Now, they gave me a few different reasons, all of which were not quite accurate. For example, in order to shut up the whining one night, I told my crew that possibly if we did job A, we wouldn't have to do job B. I planned to do both, but at four in the morning you say a lot of things to shut up whining and get guys working. We did job A. It was close to the end of the shift. We were told we could leave before finishing job B.

Now, in the demotion meeting, it became a little less positive. They claimed I had told my crew that we would do job A and leave job B for the day crew. Not what I said. Especially when you consider we actually started job B and were told to leave before finishing it. But they didn't let those facts get in the way. With a little spin, they had an excuse.

So, I was demoted before I could turn in my two weeks notice for the job I already had lined up. And it pissed me off that I couldn't just tell them I'm leaving, but the ice cream company told me not to. Not four days after my demotion, the result came back and I was allowed to put in my notice. Remember all that, because it's important.

I bored you with that to finish this:

Apparently the assistant who had been fired told them about my demotion. But he told them I was demoted, and only after that did I apply for and get the ice cream job. Basically, he told them I only left that company due to my demotion.

So right off the bat during my interview (with a Jackass), the Jackass begins questioning me. Not outright calling me a liar, but slyly alluding to it. He starts like this: "Did you know Assistant Manager now works here? Okay, this interview is not an interrogation, we just want to make sure we hire the right person. Somebody who turned in a accurate resume and application."

So they ask me about my work history. What I did before, what I do now. Usual stuff. But quickly, Jackass starts asking why I left the last company for the ice cream crew. At first, I don't want to sound negative, or like I'm bashing. So I allude to conflicts in personality with management. But he pushes. So I tell him a few things that happened to explain why I left, but tried to candy coat it as more wanting to explore a new opportunity (which was true-I was leaving for more money, better hours, and more chances to grow professionally). But it wasn't good enough. Jackass kept coming back with "Well, I can understand that, kind of. But even that isn't enough to convince me that you left a company after fourteen years just for that. What I want to know is what's the real reason."

I was frustrated internally. It kept coming back to the reason. I wanted an opportunity and the conflict of personality. It was the truth. But Jackass wasn't buying it because they were told different. So finally I said it plainly: "Look, I applied for and got the job with the ice cream company in early December. I couldn't put in my two weeks until the drug test came back. I knew it would come back negative, but couldn't put in my two weeks until it came back. Days before it came back, I was demoted as I said. Once it came back, I put in my two weeks."

Jackass started to tell me that I must have left because of the demotion. It wasn't about the opportunity, but the demotion. "So you get demoted, then find this new job."

"No. I had the job before I was demoted."

"Did they know this?"

"No, Ice Cream asked me to say nothing until the drug test came back."

"Was there concern about the drug test result?"

"No. I've never done any drugs. But until it officially came back, I couldn't say anything."

"So what I'm hearing is you get demoted, than there's this other job and you leave."

"I had the ice cream job lined up weeks before the demotion."

"But they didn't know that. So you got demoted and left. That's why you left the company after fourteen years."

"Let me explain it. I wanted a new opportunity. I applied with the ice cream company early in December. I got that job by mid-December. I had to wait on my drug..."

"I heard you about the test. But what I'm looking at here is you didn't mention that you left the company because of the demotion on your application with us. You put down you wanted a new opportunity, but there's nothing about the demotion causing you to leave."

"Because I left for the opportunity. The demotion came after I had the job."

"But you didn't put in a two weeks notice. Did you even give them two weeks?"

"Yes, of course. I left on very good terms."

"Did you? After the demotion?"

"I would have been leaving anyway."

"But you didn't have this drug test back. So why not just tell them before they demote you?"

"Until the ice cream company had the official report back, they asked me to remain silent about leaving."

"I don't understand that. If I'm leaving for a better opportunity, I would tell somebody. To leave after a demotion and say that wasn't the reason doesn't really make sense to me."

At which point, I knew it wasn't looking good. So I laid it out (calmly). "It would have been great to just say here's my two weeks before they demoted me, but I was asked not to by the ice cream company."

"Okay, all right. So there's that discrepancy on the application. That's what we'd heard." After a second of shuffling papers. "Any questions for us?"

Now, I had come in with over fifteen questions. I had major doubts about getting the job after the whole reason for leaving debacle. But I thought this might be a chance to redeem myself. Maybe nudge open the door again.

So I asked two questions. Jackass quickly answers them in the most generic way possible. Then he says "One last question. Give me your best one."

So I ask my grand finale question. And he takes roughly three seconds to answer before jumping up and giving me the "We'll be in touch next week if we want to have a final interview".

So I leave pissed off. Because I didn't lie on the resume. I didn't lie during the interview. I stuck with the facts about the whole thing, but Jackass didn't care. He had been told something by the Assistant who stole money and believed it no matter what.

Pissed at myself for sitting there letting them interrogate me like that. Well, letting him. The lady who did the first interview never spoke and rarely even looked at me. Not sure if she felt bad that I was put through this or thought I was such a lying pig that I didn't deserve to be looked at. But I've got a good job now, so I wouldn't have been doing any more damage than had already been done, so I should have told them that nobody calls me a liar and walked out. But I sat there and took it for forty minutes.

Pissed that a excellent job opportunity was gone over a bullshit lie. Besides a step up the ladder with a growing company (different from my current employer), the pay is almost double what I make now. I could do the job described to me in the first interview with my eyes closed. And I would be damn good at it.

But that's all gone now, because somebody I haven't even spoken to in three years decided to trash me, and his word is apparently better than mine.

So it wasn't a great day.

It usually takes a lot to piss me off, but today it happened. And what was a good shot at a great job just eight days ago is now a bad memory to share with people who ask "How'd that interview go?"

Be seeing you.

A Do-Over

2008-06-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A whole bunch of a mix-CD I made, trying to work up the energy to start writing a new script. Also, still hooked on the soundtrack to The Fountain. And, with my boy, a CD containing a whole mess of theme songs from past cartoons, including the immortal "Gigantor" theme song (imagine off-key druids pounding out Gigantor to a completely separate score in really deep voices) and a version of Popeye that will make you want to punch an old lady in the gut it's so god-awful bad. Picture the already talentless Sailor Man himself belching out (and holding for maximum effect) the words "Sailor Man" so that it lasts well north of two minutes. Next time I hear it, I'm driving my car into the nearest lake and putting my ears out of their misery.

WHAT I'M READING: Just finished the FourFourTwo preview of Euro 2008. Now back to a rather bland little piece called "Free Ride" detailing how the media gives McCain a...well, free ride. I'm almost putting myself to sleep talking about it. Not a great entertainment, but I haven't had the chance to get back to the library.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Euro 2008, it goes without saying. Though not every single game. Just too much on my paper plate to devote four hours every day for over two weeks to the beautiful game. I also just started X-Files Season Four before the tournament began. Not to mention (even though I am) that I'm still working through my list of 2007 films for the only awards that make the MTV Movie Awards seem prestigious...The Jeff Awards! We got HBO a few weeks back, so I just completed all seven parts of the John Adams miniseries. Very good, with wonderful acting. But parts seemed rushed. When you can boil our whole second presidency down to one 70-minute show, it hurts the overall production. Awesome theme song though.

WELL, I've finally made it back here to update. You may notice a few minor changes. Dung! is being rebooted, thus a new title up above (g'head, check it out). I'm keeping the one feature that people actually seem to enjoy (the details of my entertainment) and shucking the rest. Nobody really gives a rat's dick about the Direct Kick challenge. I can see all my faithful readers now, sprinting over to the computer, cursing themselves for not shilling out for the hi-speed service as they wait to log on, and gleefully sliding the mouse through their "Favorites" bar looking for the link to take them here to read how many soccer games I watched on which channel. People with no lives would call you a loser for that. So it's gone.

Also done is the Dung Challenge Cup. My wife was whuppin' my ass every single week. At the time of halting it, she had a near-insermountable 512 point lead. That's right. Even if I guessed every game right and she got them all wrong for the next half-century PLUS I doubled down on Final Jeopardy, I still couldn't catch up.

A wise man knows when he's beaten, and concedes. A quitter tosses in the towel two months into the contest. There may be no "i" in team, but there is one in "quit", so that's what I'm doing.

Congrats honey. You kicked my sorry pock-marked ass. Kudos to you, ma'am.

What the new Dung! will be is what it should have remained all along. Random thoughts and ideas springing from my head. A place to pretend people actually care what a moron on the other side of the internet thinks. A place to fool myself into thinking I actually matter on this great world wide web.

So here are some random thoughts buzzing through my head lately.

1. Father's Day is coming up. I look forward to spending it with my two boys. I originally typed my two sons, but the ghost of Fred MacMurray creeped up behind me and hit me with a steaming stack o' slapcakes.

To create more time for visiting fathers in Michigan this week, last Sunday we went to the cemetary to say hi to my dad. It's been over nine years now. I have trouble remembering what he sounded like sometimes. I'm ashamed to admit that I forgot his birthday this year until late that night. I still love him, but unfortunately life keeps moving on. My three-year-old is still too young to fully grasp it all. I explain that my daddy just got so sick that the doctor couldn't help him anymore, and he passed away. I tell him that my daddy is now buried under the ground by that headstone. I explain that it's kinda like he fell asleep and will never wake up. But it's tough for a young guy to understand. He wants to know why we can't see him.

Even worse, he got very scared to be near the grave. It took a lot to calm him down enough for a picture by the headstone. And that night, while tucking him in, he asked if I would keep people from breaking in. I told him not to worry, of course daddy wouldn't let people break in. Jude then told me he didn't want my dad to dig out of his grave and break into our house.

Sad that my father is nothing more than a ghoul from a horror film to his grandchild. I don't blame Jude for this. It's very confusing and I can see how it could be scary. But it does hurt a bit that he never got to meet his grandfather. My dad didn't live long enough to see my two boys, or even my wife.

So I'll celebrate being a daddy this week, because I've got two incredible kids. But I'm also going to feel the pain of not having my own dad to honor. I love him, and I miss him, very much. So make sure you spend some time with your dads.

2. Won't go into too many details, but there might be some very exciting news soon on the job front.

3. Joined a gym this week. Back in January 2005 I weighed in at 185, which was my normal weight. Never got much above or under that since high school. January 2008, I was up to 220. I dislike seeing myself in the mirror. I'm not super fat, but I'm bigger than I should be, or want to be. So I'm getting back into working out. I had a gym membership back in 1998-2000. I loved it actually. Working out gives me a natural high, and I don't even have to end up rolled up into a rug in front of a hospital (get that reference, bitches!)

Today I went for the second time. Hit the treadmill for 20 minutes, getting in a good three miles according to the machine. After that, I got onto the stationery bike. Another fifteen minutes, another five miles. I was sweating, breathing heavy, and pulling the bike seat out of my ass (in case you care, it took four minutes, three guys, and a crowbar). But I felt great. Plus, they have showers there just like high school. Well, almost. In high school it was a long corridor with shower heads spraying down from either side every two feet, and you walked single file behind your classmates, eyes glued to the ceiling like some freakish human car wash. This is a single person shower.

I love it. I'm sore right now, but feeling good. And even if I only drop down to 210, I'll be happy.

That's all I got for now. But I'm really going to try to keep updating the new Dung! version 2.0 far more often. Less inanity, more posts. Shorter posts, but more frequent.

Thanks for sticking around. And to steal a phrase from myself, that I stole from M9's John Drake (or #6 if you prefer):

Be Seeing You.
3.

My Wife Is Whupping My Ass

2008-05-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some Spongebob CD, and a lot of burned CD's.

WHAT I'M READING: I'm into a book by David Frost on the Nixon/Frost TV programs.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Soccer, of course, and a lot of movies this week. Just finished up There Will Be Blood, which is awesome.

SO for those keeping track, here are the latest Dung Challenge Cup standings as of today. Before you read and laugh, know that this is my weekend.

Barefoot Adult W D L Pts
17 7 12 58
DungMaster 9 7 20 34

A mere twenty-four points back early in the season. She's kicking my arse!

SUMMER MOVIE SEASON is upon us. The only films I'm really stoked about are The Dark Knight and the X-Files film, although I will be taking the wife to the Sex and the City movie, since she is a big fan. It should be good. There are many others I have a mild interest in, but those three are on the list of must-see.

THE DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE
Got to keep up with this for the 2008 season. Remember, I paid 79 bucks for the Direct Kick package, the greatest bargain in sports. All year long, we'll figure out just how much I'm spending per game.

ABC-0
ESPN2-5
Fox Soccer-5
Direct Kick-15
So that's 79 bucks for 15 games thus far, or $5.27 per game.

That's all for now, as I must go cry.

Be Seeing You.

Dung Challenge Cup Week Two

2008-04-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A friend gave me some compilation CD's he burned of his "Best of..." for years 2005 and 2006 in music. Some good stuff.

WHAT I'M READING: Grand Theft Jesus. Damn Good Book.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Watched Sunshine the other day in my Jeff Award's List quest. Pretty darn good sci-fi film. Plus, MLS action!

SO the Dung Challenge Cup continues to roll on. Thus far, my pretty wife, Barefoot Adult, is whupping the ole Dungmaster's booty.

Here's the standings after the first two weeks of the MLS season.

Dungmaster----4W 3D 7L 15 points
Barefoot Adult----7W 3D 4L 24 points

It's still early, and we're working through this weekend's results so I will come back and claim glorious victory.

But right now, the expert is losing to the novice. And I can't deny that it hurts a bit in the ole pride.

Revenge will be mine! And as Khan taught me, revenge is a dish best served cold, and space is very, very cold my friend.

Be seeing you.

Introducing the Dung Challenge Cup!

2008-04-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A awesome Tom Waits tune called "Never Let Go" and some old school New Order, especially "Ceremony".

WHAT I'M READING: Newest issue of MajorLeagueSoccer magazine. Just finished up a book on the Fairtax.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Just finished the Honeymooners box set, and of course soccer. Manchester United chasing a repeat in England, and MLS just kicked off.

A QUICK POST to introduce a new feature to the blog this year, called the Dung Challenge Cup.

My beautiful wife (Barefoot Adult) and I will be predicting the MLS games all season long to see who's better at it, the diehard fan (me) or the layman (her).

The rules are simple. Each game, we must both pick a winner. If you choose correctly, you get three points. If you are incorrect, you get zero points. If the game ends in a draw, you get one point. Winner is the person with the most points at the end of the year, and thus the Dung Challenge Cup champion.

Here's the standings after the opening weekend.
Dungmaster W-1 D-2 L-5 5 points
Barefoot Adult W-4 D-2 L-2 14 points

She takes an early lead, but the season is just starting!

Be seeing you.

The Annual MLS Predictions (and other stuff)

2008-03-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A bit o' Sinead O'Connor, because nothing compares 2 her. Also, a Spongebob Squarepants CD, with a surprisingly moving tune called "Gary's Song".

WHAT I'M READING: Predictably Irrational, which is interesting. You wanna cry, go read Where Does Your Money Go, which I just did. Scary stuff that government.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Working my way through the 39 episodes of The Honeymooners, and prepping for the start of MLS Season Thirteen!

THE OSCAR PREDICTIONS:
Guess it has been awhile since I blogged. One of my last blogs was my annual Oscar predicts. Let's see how I did: I guessed fifteen correct out of the 24, so not all that great. What do I know?

On to more important matters!

THE 2nd ANNUAL DUNG! MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER PREDICTIONS
Always fun to guess how the season will turn out. Never fun to look back and see how poorly I guessed. But here's how I see it shaping up this year.

EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. DC United
2. Chicago Fire
3. New England Revolution
4. Kansas City Wizards
5. New York Red Bulls
6. Toronto FC
7. Columbus Crew

Hard to say really, as all teams have made changes. DC brought in a lot of South American talent, and I think they'll gel and turn up the heat come the summer months. I think those top five will make the playoffs.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Houston Dynamo
2. Los Angeles Galaxy
3. FC Dallas
4. Club Deportivo Chivas USA
5. Real Salt Lake
6. Colorado Rapids
7. San Jose Earthquakes

I see the Dynamo running away with this one, and most likely the Supporters Shield. L.A. will be a distant second, but I think Beckham's second year will be better. With Becks, Donovan, and Carlos Ruiz, there is no excuse to not make the playoffs. Though I will be shocked if Ruud Gullitt is still in LA come December as the coach. Chivas USA will just miss the playoffs, and I think RSL will push for a spot this year. I don't see much out of the expansion(returning) Quakes. Haven't been impressed with the players they've got so far. Colorado will be happy San Jose returned, or else they'd be propping up the league.

Top two in each conference make the playoffs, plus the next best four. So I see it:
EASTERN CONFERENCE: DC United, Chicago Fire
WESTERN CONFERENCE: Houston Dynamo, Los Angeles Galaxy
NEXT BEST FIVE: New England Revolution, Kansas City Wizards, FC Dallas, and New York Red Bulls.

PLAYOFFS-EAST
1. DC United v. Kansas City Wizards
2. Chicago Fire v. New England Revolution
CONFERENCE FINAL
1. DC United v. Chicago Fire

PLAYOFFS-WEST
1. Houston Dynamo v. New York Red Bulls
2. Los Angeles Galaxy v. FC Dallas
CONFERENCE FINAL
1. Houston Dynamo v. FC Dallas

MLS CUP 2008
Chicago Fire v. Houston Dynamo
MLS CHAMPIONS: Houston Dynamo

That's right. I'm calling for the three-peat. Never been done before, but Houston are a rock solid club. They will need to find scoring replacements for Nate Jaqua and Joseph Ngwenya, but I think the midfield will help out there.

Just for fun, US OPEN CUP CHAMPIONS: Kansas City Wizards

That's how I see it happening. And as you can see from my Oscar picks, you don't want to trust me too much here.

Season kicks off March 29th. I'll be there, having already renewed my Direct Kick sports package for the fourth year in a row, plus tossing Fox Soccer Channel back onto the satellite. I'll be keeping track of my Direct Kick viewings just to see what a bargain it is again.

Be seeing you.

March 1st

2008-03-01T20:12:00.000-08:00

Today is my wife's birthday.

So this entire blog, albeit a short one, is completely dedicated to her.

Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Kimbers.
Happy birthday to you.

One of my top three days of the year. She's simply my love. Everything I hold dear in this world is thanks to her. A beautiful soul, a hot wife, and a incredible mother. I can summarize it up best by quoting a Wilco tune:

I wanna be what you are to me.

Six great years of marriage, two wonderful boys, and a future together that makes my heart dance. Happy birthday, Kimbers.

I love you.

The Annual Academy Award Predictions Blog

2008-02-23T19:10:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A bunch of Wilco, since a friend is trying to get me into the band. Plus I just burned a CD with a whole bunch of tunes from the wonderful film "Once" on it.

WHAT I'M READING: Found a new stash of Noam Chomsky at the downtown public library.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Finishing up season nine of Seinfeld, plus viewing some films from the last year. Speaking of which....

THE 2ND ANNUAL DUNG ACADEMY AWARD PREDICTIONS:
I won't go into as much depth as last year, because I spent an hour typing out my predictions and only got like half of them correct. So here it goes, for a year in which I've seen virtually nothing, my Oscar guesses for the big ceremony tomorrow night:

1. MAKE-UP: Well, it sure as hell won't be Norbit. Pirates was more visually stunning than make-up-esque, so I'm going with La Vie en Rose.

2. ORIGINAL SONG: I think the Enchanted three will cancel each other out, and I hope they do. The only real award I truly have a major rooting interest in, because Falling Slowly from the exceptional film Once is deserving. An awesome tune, and I'm hoping Irglova and Hansard perform it live. Really a beautiful tune.

3. ORIGINAL SCORE: No clue. Ain't heard any of them. But, I stick to my theory that the Academy likes to reward all Best Picture nominees with one actual win, so I'll guess Atonement.

4. SOUND EDITING: Who ever knows this one? I'll just guess The Transformers.

5. SOUND MIXING: Again, what's the real difference? I don't think any academy voters know either, so they'll just go with The Transformers again.

6. FILM EDITING: Well, it usually matches well with the top prize, so I'll go with No Country for Old Men, although There Will Be Blood could have a shot.

7. COSTUME DESIGN: Can they ignore Elizabeth: The Golden Age? Me thinks not, though Atonement and Sweeney Todd could be in the running.

8. ART DIRECTION: Sweeney Todd for no good reason.

9. LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: Always a guess, and I think I'm almost always wrong. Just for picking's sake, I'll say Il Supplente (The Substitute).

10. ANIMATED SHORT FILM: I Met the Walrus because I heard it's got something to do with John Lennon, whom everybody loves. Also, everybody has heard of him, so he's got a leg up with the voters.

11. VISUAL EFFECTS: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End was pretty darn cool looking, and I can't see them wanting to have "Three Time Oscar winner The Transformers" on their conscious.

12. ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Although PTA might have an outsiders shot, this is really Ethan & Joel Coen's award to lose at this point, for No Country for Old Men.

13. ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: As much as they love her, how could they not honor Diablo Cody for the Juno script? Plus, it keeps in line with my theory of every Best Picture nominee getting at least one award.

14. CINEMATOGRAPHY: I keep hearing great things about this tracking shot for Atonement, but I'm gonna take a gamble on There Will Be Blood, for no good reason.

15. FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: Haven't really heard anything except that one is about the Holocaust, which the Academy loves to honor, so I'm going with the Austrian film The Counterfeiters.

16. ANIMATED FEATURE: Can't do grown up, and I've got to hope and pray that the penguin love affair is over, so me goes with Ratatouille.

17. DOCUMENTARY SHORT: No clue. Maybe Salim Baba.

18. DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Actually, I was incorrect. I'm rooting in this one also. No End in Sight is a helluva brilliant film, and deserving of this award.

19. SUPPORTING ACTRESS: This one is giving me trouble. On one hand, can they resist honoring the elderly Ruby Dee, who is in her eighties? On the other, Amy Ryan seems to be popular. It would be so much easier if Cate Blanchett hadn't just won it a few years back, as she would be a lock. But sticking to my theory of all Best Picture nominees winning something, I'm guessing Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton. My heart still says giving an award to an old person could happen though, even if she's only in the film for five minutes. Ask Alan Arkin last year.

20. SUPPORTING ACTOR: Seems an easy guess. Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men. If there is a big upset, this will be it though, with Holbrook getting the old vote.

21. ACTRESS: Julie Christie in Away from Her is the smart money bet, but the love of Juno could pull it out for Ellen Page.

22. ACTOR: Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood seems as close to certain as anything this year.

23. DIRECTOR: While I'm hoping for a PTA upset, you have to like the odds of Ethan & Joel Coen for No Country for Old Men being only the second pair to win the top directing prize.

24. BEST PICTURE: No Country for Old Men seems a shoe-in here. Maybe people get sick of it and vote for There Will Be Blood, but I don't see the upset this year. The last two major upsets in this category won't work this time, as the actors like No Country (ala Shakespeare in Love over Private Ryan) and it doesn't have the gay theme to scare off voters (ala Crash over Brokeback).

We'll find out tomorrow how right I am. Should be fun, as this will be my seventeenth year in a row of watching the Oscars.

Be Seeing You.

Back from the Dead

2008-01-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: I made another CD to facilitate my next writing project. Features a variety of tunes from Southern Culture on the Skids, Death Cab for Cutie, Beth Orton, and others. Also, some Dave Matthews.

WHAT I'M READING: Just finished FourFourTwo. Up next is P.J. O'Rourke's "Peace Kills".

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Soccer, baby! Watched some English and Dutch league this weekend, got a game from the second tier of English football on today. Also, watched the Halloween remake and 2001 this past weekend.

HADN'T posted in awhile, so thought I'd put down a quick one. Some random thoughts as I spend the day recovering from a major illness on Sunday.

1. DC United starts training camp today with many new faces from South America joining the club this year. The biggest name is playmaker Marcello Gallardo. His arrival means 2006 MVP Christian Gomez is moving on. I like Gomez, but he's asking for an awful lot of money and two guaranteed years. He might be worth the bucks this season, but I doubt he'll be up to par next year. With the start of camp, the MLS season is just around the corner.

2. Number One Son has finally mastered the potty training. He now can poop and pee in the potty all the time. It was a challenge getting him here, but he's done it, and we're proud of him. He's a wonderful little guy.

3. The baby is starting to reach out and grab things, which is also very cool. He doesn't know what to do with them once he gets them, but he can get them. He's also smiling a lot now, which is beautiful to see.

4. My wife starts a new job next week. Proud of her too. She had an interview a few weeks back at around noon. By two o'clock, they had called her back and offered her the job. She smashed it out of the ballpark. More money, more benefits, and paid holidays. We're very excited here.

5. Bush and Congress want to send out money to us in May? Thanks, we'll take it. Probably put it towards some bills and the bank, but you want to give the Dung Heap money, that's cool with us. Coupled with what should be a very nice tax return this year, and we're happy.

6. Watched the Halloween remake Saturday night. I had very low expectations going in, because the original is a classic and Rob Zombie's other films suck. After fifteen minutes my fears were being confirmed. It was horrible. Than something happened. Zombie figured out how to make a good film, and the last ninety minutes were actually good. Nowhere near the original, but for a remake, this is one of the better ones. Plus, the Laurie Stroud in this one is actually better looking than Jamie Lee Curtis. I apologize to Mr. Zombie for doubting him. It's a good horror flick.

7. Also watched 2001, which we all know is the second best film ever made. Still brilliant. And to think that if Kubrick tried today, everybody would probably turn him down flat. Well, first they'd tell him he's dead, but then they'd turn him down flat. A true cinematic work of art. I love how Dave Bowman never lets anything get to him. He never panics, or gets too angry. He remains calm, with an even kelter, and just does what he must. A true badass.

8. Watched a Netflix film last week called "Forty Second Street Forever" which is a collection of trailers for exploitation flicks from the last forty years. Thanks to this film, I discovered that the worst trailer of all time is for a film called "I Dismember Mama". No matter how bad that movie is, the trailer is worse. Putrid, and doesn't really do anything to sell the flick.

9. Well, it's been six weeks since my vasectomy. That means it's time to jizz in the cup and take it in for analysis. I'm a little embarassed to do it. You have to take it in within two hours of ejaculation. So the nurse who takes it from me is going to know that I just played with myself. That's rather a private thing to be shared only with my wife and the people watching me jerk off in our front window.

10. It's an election year. Right now if I had to vote, I'd go with Obama. But we'll see who actually gets the nomination. I think McCain has got the GOP locked up, but it's a fight for the Dem slot. My only hope is that America doesn't resort to base instincts and make it "The rich white guy versus the woman" or "The rich white guy versus a black guy". We've suffered through the eight worst Presidential years ever. We need a new beginning and a better future.

That's all for now. Must go lie down and recover.

Be Seeing You.

My List

2008-01-07T20:15:00.001-08:00

BEFORE I begin, let me point out the links on the right hand side of the screen. Check 'em out. Some good stuff out there, especially my wife's blog. I'm hoping she'll soon be posting a companion piece to this list here.

Also, check out my "Wish You Were Here" blog, as it is part of project 365, in which bloggers across America gather to post one picture a day from their lives, for all 365 days of a year.

Okay, now on to the Main Event!

The following is my List. You know, the list every human keeps of five people they would sleep with if they had the chance. Any good spouse would be willing to allow them this honor, knowing deep down they shall never meet any of those five people nor have a shot at bedding them.

So here's my list (in no order)
1. Kristen Bell (hottest lady on TV right now. Plus, seems to have a great sense of humor)

2. Kelly Dalglish (Setanta Sports babe. She's blonde, British, and knows her football/soccer! That accent detailing the latest footie news from across the pond during sex would be nice)

3. Zooey Deschannel (if you've ever seen her in "All the Real Girls", you know what I'm talking here; in that film she's nearly the perfect Dung girl-next to my loverly wife of course)

4. Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine blue hair or not, Kate has always been great in my book; a lovely, talented woman)

5. Abe Vigoda (who said it had to be all woman?)
Okay, seriously now

5. Jewel (the singer; great voice and gorgeous looks-plus she yodels!)

Honorable Mention: Gillian Anderson in the Scully years-smart with a good sense of humor, what's not to like about Scully? Also, Keira Knightley before she dropped ninety pounds and disappeared.

So there you have it. My List. I can guarantee not a one of them would give me the time of day, but a guy can always dream.

ONE MORE HONORABLE MENTION:
Rachel Ray. A bit gabby, but she can cook. Plus, she's hot and she looks like she knows what to do in the bedroom. Teach me everyday, Rachel Ray.

Be Seeing You.

Grindhouse? More Like Outhouse!

2008-01-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some Dave Matthews "Crash into Me" to remind me of first meeting my Kimbers eight years ago. Plus, Greg Laswell's version of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun". If you haven't heard it, go search it out now. It's achingly beautiful.

WHAT I'M READING: Nothing right now. Just finished MajorLeagueSoccer issue three. Library time.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Well, Twin Peaks season two shall be finished this week. Some Spanish LaLiga football from the weekend, and more below.

OKAY, so I like cheesy films some times. Shoot me. The excellent 2007 film "Grindhouse" inspired me to look some up, and Netflix obliged by having something called "The Grindhouse Experience Volume Two". So I quied up the DVD and it came last week. Awesomely cheesy shit! There was two Italian made sword-and-sandal epics from the 1960's that I skipped. But the flip side had the goods (or bads, or bad goods): The 1983 stink bomb called "Stryker" and the 1983 turd named "Atlantis Interceptors".

Stryker is one of those truly horrendous movies that you can't help but smile through. Filmed in some desert, it's a post-apocalyptic tale of a world without water. In the beginning, this woman is being chased by the poorly attired villains. Immediately, it raises the question of why everybody dresses like rejects from Loverboy in the post-apocalyptic world. But I, like the script, digress. They capture the woman, who has some water on her. They are about to beat the location out of her when our hero Stryker shows up with expert marksmanship and a leather vest and cowboy hat with spandex pants. He's a man of few words, probably because that would require acting ability. He saves her, of course, before losing her back to the baddies. I wondered at first why he bothered wearing his cowboy hat. Later on, when I saw what the humid desert did to his big, bushy curly permed hair, I wondered no more. In his quest to save the girl, Stryker and his ally wind up with a group of survivors. It is here that the touching love story unfolds between one of the babes and Stryker's ally. I call him Stryker's ally, because until the last minute of the movie they never bother to give him a damn name. And when I type "love story" I really mean they stare at each other a few times before kissing, than he runs to hold her in the end when she's been shot. Right now, I can't recall him having any lines. Probably for good reason. My favorite character was the bad guy's evil henchman. Normally, these are badass, intimidating types. Not in "Stryker", kiddies. He's tall all right. He also has arms scrawnier than my three year old and a gut bigger than a pregnant woman. Couple that with spindly legs that couldn't hold up a card table, and you've got quite the sight. My next favorite characters were a group of midgets who followed Stryker for no real reason. Like some kind of post-apocalyptic Oompa Loompas. They spoke an odd language, but it didn't really seem to matter, because Stryker never seemed to acknowledge them.

Atlantis Interceptors made even less sense. These two heroes repeat inane dialogue for the first fifteen minutes before a group of scientists somehow raise Atlantis. It wipes out the population, save for our heroes. Than the Atlantans proceed to hunt them down. I couldn't figure out why the Atlantans had a variety of weapons, ranging from swords to arrows to shotguns. But who am I to question the historical accuracy of this cinematic masterpiece? I also couldn't figure out why the head villain was driven around in a classic car, but again, what do I know about Atlantis?

Both times through protracted and poorly acted battles featuring horrifically bad special effects, the heroes won the day.

I can't wait to get disc two in the mail!

WEATHER UPDATE: Last time, I mentioned the snow fall over New Years. Turned out the final tally for the three days was over fifteen inches. Have no fear faithful reader(s?), it was a gorgeous sixty-five degrees today, and all fifteen inches are gone. There is no truth to the rumor that I used the Manaconda to measure how deep the snow was.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for a short posting soon.

Be Seeing You.

The Most Expensive Oil Change Ever (and other reasons 2007 kinda sucked)

2008-01-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A mixture. Quite a bit of Pete Yorn's debut album (cos it already is). Also, some Barenaked Ladies, because ole Steve can scream more melodically in "Break Your Heart" than I can sing. And, a bit of the old Sarah McLachlan, because I loves me some Canadians.

WHAT I'M READING: Made it through the local library's batch of Noam Chomsky. Read the most recent issue of Champions Magazine (the official mag of the Champions League) thanks in large part to a gift card for Borders I got for Christmas (can't spend nine bucks of my own money on one magazine, but will gladly spend somebody elses). Currently reading "Bill of Wrongs" by the late Molly Ivins. Up next is issue three of MajorLeagueSoccer Magazine.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Finally did it. Got to watch all ten English Premier League games from this past weekend. In the past, I've had a shot at watching all ten games but something happened. A result got ruined before viewing. A game didn't record. This time, I did it. And I'm a better man for it. Up next, keeping plugging through Twin Peaks Season Two. Also, Netflix is sending me something called "Grindhouse Experience Disc 2" with cheap b-movies from the 1970's & 1980's.

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU 2007:
Well, 2007 is finally over. It wasn't a truly horrible year, as we did have our little Sullivan and I had my balls cut open without pain. But 2007 was not a good year here at the Dung Heap. Every time we got a bit ahead, something would bite us in the arse. The final week was no different.

Last Thursday I went to my local Firestone for a routine oil change. I drive a lot for work, so my car was roughly 22,000 miles overdue for it. Got the car in quickly, and by 9:30 in the A.M. I'm sitting in the waiting room reading my Champions Magazine without a care in the world. Get the oil change, head home, and steam clean me some carpet. I live on the edge, bitches!

A normal oil change would cost me about twenty bucks. By the time I drove my car home that day, I had forked over $1376.31.

That's right. ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIX DOLLARS AND THIRTY-ONE CENTS.

See, my little car needed some additional work. Such as, you ask? Well, here's a little list.
1. Oil Change
2. Ball joints (both lower front)-this was over three hundred dollars, which is still cheaper than the last time somebody worked over my ball joints (entendre alert! entendre alert!)
3. Lifetime alignment at about $150. Now, I'm no expert. I could notice that my car's alignment was off simply because whenever I let go of the wheel whilst driving, I'd make a right turn. But a lifetime alignment is one of those things that the mechanic mentions and I just nod along with so I don't seem like a jerkass.
4. Struts at over six hundred bills. I can strut for the cost of one embarrassed look of my wife, but these bad boys hurt the wallet.
5. Two new tires for the back o' the car at a tad over $130. Good deal actually. A few weeks back whilst working in Goshen, I got a flat on my front driver tire. I had to have that replaced, seeing as I was sixty miles from home without a friend in the world. I got both front tires replaced that day, since the other one was flatter than a girl in kindergarten. I knew the back tires would need replacing soon, as there was more rubber in my gloves than on the tire.
6. Labor of almost $500. Can't complain about that, as the ten minute oil change turned into a six hour workday on my Mercury Tracer for the guy.

All told, not the best news to get two days after Christmas. We're by no means rich, so a $1376.31 oil change hurts the bank account a bit. Not to mention just having got two new front tires weeks ago, and having to replace both my headlights last week (as they both went out in the span of a day-driving to work before dawn with no lights is fun, kids!)

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! 2007 wasn't done whuppin' my pasty white ass. Saturday night I suddenly, out of nowhere, got the shits. The runny shits. The squirty, runny shits. The "painting the toilet brown" squirty runny shits. I wasn't too concerned, as usually they last about a day before letting my buttocks rest. Four days later, I was still rushing to the toilet every ten to fifteen minutes hoping to get it in the bowl and not in my pants. Especially since we're working on potty training Jude, and Daddy is always bragging how big boys don't poop their pants.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S STILL MORE! 2007 wanted one last laugh. So on New Year's Eve we got hit with a winter storm that dumped at least eight inches of snow on the ground. January 1st I began the year by getting out the snow thrower. Unfortunately for me, my best little friend doesn't work if the snow is that high. It just keeps clogging up the throw chute, meaning that I get to stop every foot (literally) and push a massive cylinder of snow out before moving. Eventually, I gave in and shoveled for the first time since 2005. I quickly remembered why I bought the snow thrower, as the shoveling of my walks, the neighbors walk, and the two driveways hurt the old back. Luckily for me (sarcasm intended) we got another two to three inches during the day, so I was back out there before dinner throwing snow again. This time, the thrower worked and I was done in a matter of minutes. It took about 90 minutes the first time by hand. I was laughing maniacally and singing out loud the praises of snow throwers as the white shit flew out that chute (and into my face).

So 2007 is truly over now, and life will get better. In 2008 my wife and I will celebrate eight years of knowing each other, seven years of marriage, Jude's fourth birthday, Sullivan's first, and our thirty-fourth.

There will be some great footballing moments as Manchester United chase EPL title number ten and DC United chase MLS crown number five. Euro 2008 is on this summer, and all games are live on the ESPN channels. Plus the USA begins qualifying for World Cup 2010.

It should be a fun year.

CHRISTMAS was good here. A lot of traveling over the three days, but we spent quality time with family and got a lot of cool gifts. My faves include: 2007 Man United home jersey, Worldwide Soccer Manager 2008 PC game, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Season One DVD set, Honeymooners Complete Series DVD set, Blade Runner: The Final Cut DVD, The Simpsons Movie DVD, some clothes, and gift cards. Happy was I.

So enough whining about last year, and Dung is looking forward to this year. I'll leave you with some words from Jude's mouth.

After I explained that Mommy and Daddy got married because we love each other, Jude looked up at me and asked, "Can I marry you Daddy? I love you."

Be Seeing You.

The Rumors of My Blog's Death, Though Extremely Hoped For, Are Greatly Exaggerated

2007-12-18T20:02:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Still the Wiggles. Damn you to hell, catchy tunes! Also, some Sigur Ros. I like music that goes on forever in a language that no human has ever spoken sung melodically.

WHAT I'M READING: More Chomsky. I'm a Chomskyite. Plus, it's not the kind of book you can breeze through on the toilet, where I do my best reading, thinking, and work.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Football a-plenty! Plus, some MMA and some Twin Peaks Season Two.

SO here I am again, only one month since my last post. Life's busy. Two kids plus a wife and a full-time job means little time for the simple pleasures, such as bathing, shaving, and blogging.

Here's a few tidbits to give you your fill for now during this holiday season:

1. MLS Cup 2007 was an excellent game, won by Houston Dynamo. Houston becomes only the second team to ever repeat, and have a real shot at three-peating next year if they keep the team together. Good footballing squad. One of the top three best MLS Cups ever.

2. After the MLS season ended, I could no longer hold out and got my Setanta Sports channel back. Just too much awesome footie action to miss. Now, most weekends I am DVRing eight to nine Premiership games, plus one or two from Spain. I'm pumped, because this weekend all ten Premier League games are on between Fox Soccer Channel and Setanta. Not to mention Boxing Day on Wednesday, which means more EPL action satisfaction for me.

3. Got the big vasectomy last Friday. Surprisingly, it was painless. I felt nothing. Highly recommend it, especially if your insurance covers all but fifteen bucks of the cost like mine did. Big ups to my doc for a good job. I did get a hellacious leg cramp that night, but me thinks it was unrelated. Vasectomy is an odd thing, because it's the lazy surgery. I feel no pain, but am still on restricted lifting duty. We got five/six inches of snow overnight Saturday, and I felt like I could go out there and snow blow it back to hell, but didn't want to take the risk. Brother Dung came over and shoveled for me (we were shopping, or else I would have let him save his back and use the blower). It's a very odd thing. But I don't want my balls to swell up like cantaloupes for the next month, so I'm listening to the doctors orders.

4. Christmas is less than a week away now. I can't wait. Sunday we go to my mom's for the annual visit with her family. Monday is up North to my father-in-law's. Tuesday is up North again to my mother-in-law's. Good times, good food, good fun. I love it. Just crossing my fingers that the weather cooperates. No snow, bro!

5. Speaking of Christmas, tomorrow is my annual wrapping day. I sit here by myself surrounded by presents, wrapping paper, scissors, tape, a strong desire to succeed, and my unique abilities to beatbox like a white mofo.

6. How's this for a kick in the balls? I'm not a gamer, but I do enjoy a PC game called Worldwide Soccer Manager 2007. It's a management simulation game, in that you are a soccer manager (can choose from every club on Planet Football) and that's it. You do all the things a manager would do, but come game day, you sit back and let your players play the game. You can choose the lineup, set the tactics, make the subs. But you can't go out there and play the game. I love it. Very fun, but frustrating when the bastards lose.

Anywho, my team is currently in a minor slump. Lost three in a row without scoring. Fourth game they scored, but still lost. Afterwards, my club chairman called me out, in the press, for being unprofessional.

That's right. A computer person just smack-talked me.

Gotta run, the boy is waking up. Be back sooner this time (that IS a threat!)

Be seeing you.

MLS Cup 2007

2007-11-16T13:07:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of the soundtrack to The Fountain, as it's the first CD I bought in 2007.

WHAT I'M READING: Nothing right now. Time to hit the library.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Well, this Sunday it's MLS Cup 2007 (more down below). Also hitting X-Files Season 3 really hard with Sullivan.

Late nights, long days, and lots of chores to do. It's my life these last few weeks since the birth of Sullivan, and I'm loving it.

I usually stay up to about 1 in the morning, letting my wife get her much needed rest every night. So the little baby and I are watching some DVD's, such as X-Files.

But this coming Sunday is the big one for me in American sports. My Super Bowl (only exciting), my World Series (only exciting), my NBA Finals (only...you get the point). Yes, it's the twelfth annual Major League Soccer championship game, the MLS Cup.

A sad one for me, as my United fell out earlier, and the game is at their home stadium. It would have been awesome if they made it, as it would have guaranteed a sellout and a rocking crowd.

But, alas, it didn't happen. Instead, much as I predicted last time, it's a rematch of last year's game. Houston Dynamo (defending champions) versus New England Revolution (three time losers making their third straight final appearance). Last year, they played 120 minutes for a one-one draw and went to the dreaded PK's (MLS Cup first, dammit!) before Houston won.

Here's how I see it going down. I expect a decent crowd. I'll go with 39,000 (seating for 47,000 at RFK). I see it heading to extra-time again tied at nil-nil. Hard to bet against that when you consider that New England has been in three previous Cup finals, and all were nil-nil at the end of full-time. The Revs just pack it in too much and hope to hit on the counter, but they don't. I see Houston winning it one-nil, with a very late goal (I'll say between minutes 107 and 115) from Joseph Ngwenya.

Interesting stories here, as if Houston wins, they become the first repeat champions since DC United in 1996 & 1997. If New England wins, it's a first title in four attempts.

I think it will be an okay game, but with New England in there, I don't see a lot of offensive chances.

Also next week is Thanksgiving. Huge turkey dinners on Sunday and two on Thursday. I'm loving me some turkey!

Gobble Gobble, baby!

And I'll close with the Jude quote of the week (actually about two weeks old now):
Jude is watching the Wiggles, which he loves. Suddenly, he turns to me and asks "Daddy, what do the Wiggles smell like?"

If only I knew.

Be Seeing You.

Another Cupa Another Cupa Another Cupa This Damn Song!

2007-11-07T05:38:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The Wiggles hit album "Wiggly Wiggly World" and the awesome soundtrack to 2006's best movie The Fountain.

WHAT I'M READING: Some Noam Chomsky. A like this guy a lot. He's intelligent beyond belief and uses that intelligence to form a worldview that isn't compromised by political ideology. Above all else, he's not a hypocrite, and has made his life a mission against hypocrisy. Also, my latest edition of MajorLeagueSoccer magazine.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Watched the Contender Season Three finale last night. A helluva fight. Usually, championship fights and games tend to be a let down, because the fighters (or teams) are more cautious than usual because everything is on the line. These two fighters went out there to simply box. Also had the MLS first round second leg games this past weekend. And I watched the exceptional documentary "No End in Sight". Go rent it now. Awesome documentary work.

A BIT OF THIS, A BIT OF THAT...
Hitting on a few different things as it's been awhile.

1. Halloween came and went. Had a ton o' fun with my boy Jude. He dressed as a firefighter. We traveled up to the Great White North of southwest Michigan to trick-or-treat in a land where kids still come out in droves for free candy. Saw some very good costumes and some cute kids. Last year, the wife and I came up with some ground rules for Trick-or-Treating. If you are old enough to smoke, you're too old to do it. If you're old enough to drive yourself around, you're too old to do it. I got a new one this year. If I can look at a trick-or-treater and think "nice ass" without being a pedophile, the trick-or-treater is too old. But, in my defense, he had a great ass.

2. My big boy Jude has gone Wiggles crazy. More to the point, he's gone cuckoo for the album (and DVD) Wiggly Wiggly World. We checked it out from the library for three weeks, listening non-stop in the car. Especially track fifteen, which is "Another Cuppa" all about Captain Feathersword's unfortunate addiction to Dorothy's rosy tea. He won't drink anything else. He just keeps asking for another cuppa another cuppa another cuppa another cuppa rosy tea. That's pretty much the whole tune, strung out over four minutes. I'll give it this: it's a good song. But when you've heard it roughly 5,000 times in 21 days, you start to go nuts. So the three weeks was up and we took it back. We checked out another Wiggles CD, which Jude hated. So we went back two days later, and Jude wanted Wiggly Wiggly World again. I caved in, because I'm an easy mark of a father. Not only did we get it for ANOTHER three weeks, but we also checked out the DVD version of it. So I was getting Another cuppa Another cuppa Another cuppa in my car everywhere we went, plus seeing it on the TV twice a day.

But Jude loves it, so what can you do.

I have got him to branch out into other tracks on the disc. Which leads us to...

3. My boy is silly, and has some odd opinions. One of the guest singers on the CD is a chap by the name of Jimmy Little. Jude asked who it was. I said Jimmy Little. He informed me that he didn't like Jimmy Little. Later on, he retracted that, stating for the record that he liked Jimmy Little "some times". Today on the way to daycare, Jude informed me, in these words, that he didn't like Jimmy Little.

"You don't like Jimmy?" I asked.
"Not so much," my three-year old said.

On the way up north for Halloween, to preserve my sanity, we listened to grown up music like Leonard Cohen. Jude listened for roughly half a song before declaring he didn't like it. Two songs in, he was crying.

"What's wrong, Juders?" I asked.
"I'm sad."
"Why?"
"This song is boring me," he answered through tears.

I picked him up from daycare with the classic "Burning for You" in the CD player. Jude heard two guitar strums before shouting out how much he hated it.

4. Jude's latest obsession is the classic film "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", which he has renamed "Charlie". It's a great one. It has also brought me to a decision that will improve my life.

I want a Oompa-Loompa.

See, whenever Willy wants something done, he just plays a little tune on his flute thingy and some midget with an orange face and green hair pops up out of nowhere to do his every bidding. How cool would that be? Imagine playing flute and some midget pops up.
"Get me some Arby's," I'd say.
or
"Put the laundry away."

That would be great. Plus, they don't talk back, but they do sing cool little songs. And the choreography!

Life would be so much better with a green-haired androgynous midget doing everything for me.

5. Well, I got 3 out of 4 in my MLS playoff predictions. I did pick Kansas City, New England, and Houston. But my beloved DC United fell to Chicago, again. I should have called it, and was thinking it. But there's this little voice in my head saying that a loyal fan wouldn't predict his team to lose. So for the fourth time, Chicago knocks DC out. Seven games played, five losses and two ties. Outscored thirteen to two (at least DC finally burst their scoring cherry after 3,000 scoreless minutes). Since I had United winning the whole thing, I'm wrong there. I'm also incorrect in predicting the MLS Cup finalists after two years of calling it before the season started.

That sets up New England Revolution hosting Chicago Fire Thursday night on ESPN2 and Houston Dynamo hosting Kansas City Wizards Saturday night on Fox Soccer Channel. Conference finals are one game affairs, so the winners go on to the MLS Cup. Tough call in the East, as it should be very close. I'm gonna go with the Revs beating the Fire one-nil. I like Houston's chances at home, and see them winning two-nil. That would set up a MLS Cup rematch between New England and Houston, the first time two teams met in successive years. Should be exciting.

THE DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE:
ABC-1
ESPN2-26
Fox Soccer Channel-22
Direct Kick-71

That's 71 games for $79, or $1.11 per game for the year. No more DK games this season. What a helluva bargain!

With only three games left, I'm just gonna finish out the chart here.
ABC-2 (MLS Cup will be on)
ESPN2-27 (Eastern Conference final on)
Fox Soccer Channel-23 (Western Conference final on)
Direct Kick-71 (all done)

So that will end up being 123 games this season. A very good year for MLS.

That's all I got for now.

Be Seeing You.

Quest for the Cup Is Here (And I Was Kinda Right For Once!)

2007-10-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

EASTERN CONFERENCE#1 DC United v. #4 Chicago Fire#2 New England Revolution v. #3 New York Red Bulls

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINAL#1 DC United v. #3 New York Red Bulls

EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS: DC United (who else?)

WESTERN CONFERENCE#1 Houston Dynamo v. #4 Colorado Rapids#2 Los Angeles Galaxy v. #3 FC Dallas

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINAL#1 Houston Dynamo v. #2 Los Angeles Galaxy

Now, in my original prediction I had this as the MLS Cup final, with the Galaxy winning. However, that was a different situation. I think in a one-off cup final at a neutral spot that the Galaxy would win. But a one-off conference final at the Dynamo's home stadium, I like their chances better.

WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS: Houston Dynamo

MLS CUP 2007DC United v. Houston Dynamo
MLS CUP CHAMPIONS: DC United

Hate to jinx my club by picking them to win it all (for the fifth time, suckas!), but it's so very hard to repeat in MLS. Only one club has ever done it (hint-same team that will win it in 2007).So there it is. Read it, weep, wipe your eyes, than chuckle at my thinking I can call the MLS Cup final three years in a row.Be seeing you.

The above is copied from my early April blog on MLS Predictions Revisions. I re-post this, because how awesome am I? Way back before the first ball was even kicked, I called the six of the eight playoff clubs, and got the entire Eastern Conference first round correct.

Seeing how awesome I am, it's time to make my playoff predictions. Remember, I have correctly called the MLS Cup finalists the last two years (we won't talk about my picking the winner incorrectly). Here it goes:

EASTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS:
DC United v. Chicago Fire
This is a tough one. United comes in having only lost once in fourteen games. They also won the Supporters Shield for the second year in a row (a league first). However, United have always fumbled against the Fire. At MLS Cup 1998, Chicago beat DC two-nil. In the 2003 playoffs, Chicago beat DC two-nil in both legs, for a four-nil aggregate victory. In the 2005 playoffs, Chicago drew DC nil-nil in the first leg, than beat DC four-nil in the second. So in five playoff games, Chicago has beaten DC 10-nil. Chicago has looked good under new coach Osario and star signging Blanco. This will be a interesting series. But in the end, I gotta stay true to my guys.
MY PICK: DC United (I'll say 3-2 on aggregate)

New England Revolution v. New York Red Bulls
Should be good. It would be good for MLS if New York could actually win a playoff series. But I don't see it happening here. Defense is too suspect, and Revs are always tough. Hell, they've been to the Eastern Conference finals the last 5 years in a row! I originally predicted New York to win here, but I'm officially going with...
MY PICK: New England Revolution (I'll say 4-2 on aggregate)

WESTERN CONFERENCE PLAYOFFS
Club Deportivo Chivas USA v. Kansas City Wizards
Chivas USA had a great year, finishing first in the West. Especially when you consider I had them not even making the playoffs. I was wrong. Preki has done a good job as coach and has a very strong, attacking team with perhaps the best goalkeeper in MLS right now in Brad Guzan. KC started strong, but faded around the mid-season. They just made it in on the final game. I like Onalfo, and I like his attacking mindset. This will be, to me, the best first round series. It's tough to call, especially with Chivas losing Ante Razov to a knee injury. There's always one upset in the first round, and I'm taking a shot here.
MY PICK: Kansas City Wizards (I'll say 3-2 on aggregate)

Houston Dynamo v. FC Dallas
The battle of Texas. I don't think it will be close. Dallas looked good at the start, but this team has stumbled lately. Dynamo are the defending champions and have been strong since May. It won't really be close.
MY PICK: Houston Dynamo (I'll say 4-1 on aggregate)

CONFERENCE FINALS:
EAST
DC United v. New England Revolution
United played strong the entire second half. Revs are always strong. A rematch from last year, at the same site. A great crowd should be enough to help my boys advance. I really don't want the Revs back in MLS Cup, even if they weren't playing DC. Three times they've made it there. All three MLS Cups were nil-nil at the end of regulation (only time it's ever happened; thanks Revs!). All three went deep into stoppage before getting a goal. They just suck the life out of a cup final. I'm backing my club.
MY PICK: DC United (I'll go with 2-1)

Houston Dynamo v. Kansas City Wizards
Interesting. I still think the defending MLS Champions are a strong, safe bet to get back to the big game. KC will prove a challenge, but falter in the end.
MY PICK: Houston Dynamo (I'll go with 2-nil)

MLS CUP 2007
DC United v. Houston Dynamo
A sold-out RFK will be rocking for the homeside. In MLS' entire twelve year history, only two teams have played MLS Cup on their homefield. Revs in 2002 and United in 1997. This is a strong United team, with great fan support. Only one club has ever repeated as MLS Champions (DC, of course, in 1996 & 1997), and I don't see Houston doing it.
MY PICK: DC United (I'll go with 2-1)

There you go. Official picks from the guy with the Midas touch. Remember, last two MLS Cups I called it BEFORE the season even started (Revs v. Houston & Revs v. Galaxy), and this year I did call a United-Dynamo Cup.

Bank on it!

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE
ABC-1
ESPN2-24
FSC-20
Direct Kick-67

Regular season is now over, but the playoffs are on the way. So, 67 games watched for $79, or $1.18 per game. What a steal!

Be Seeing You.

Two in One!

2007-10-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The same. It's only been two hours, people!

WHAT I'M READING: Ditto.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Just finished the Thursday night MLS Primetime game on ESPN2. Great game betwixt New York Red Bulls and Los Angeles Galaxy.

YOU say you love you some movie awards, even ten months past due? Then have I got the thing for you! Check out this link, bitches. http://jeffawards.blogstream.com/

That takes you to my other blog, the even less visited Jeff Awards. What are the Jeff Awards you ask with absolutely no caring in your voice? Well, I love me some movies. And I love movie awards. I also like pizza, soccer, and sex with my wife. But those are all different blogs. Check out these links if that interests you:

http://jefflikeypizzapies.blogstream.com/
http://jeffloveshimsomesoccer.blogstream.com/
http://jefflovesdoggystyle.blogstream.com/

(not real blogs)

Every year I compile a list of 100 films to watch from the previous calendar year. I watch the 100 movies, some with the wife. After I've viewed 100 movies (this year it took roughly nine months) I list my Jeff Award nominees on the other blog (g'head, check it out-that baby's collecting dust). I watch the five best films one more time before deciding on the winners. I post them and prove that if a tree falls in the forest nobody will care. Not at all.

But I enjoy it, so there. Besides, it's my blog, and I'm one of the two people on Earth who read it. So 50% of my readers love those darn Jeff Awards.

BABY NOTES:
I haven't actually studied every baby ever, but I'm ready to declare our new son Sullivan the single gasiest baby ever. It seems he's always farting. Much more than Jude did (we had to bribe those farts to make an appearance). He's still cute though.

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE:
Because I promised it, and because you don't give a damn, here it is!

ABC-1
ESPN2-24
FSC-20
Direct Kick-64

So that's 64 games for $79, or $1.23 per game. We are entering the final weekend of the MLS season, and there are some big games on the plate. DC United, Club Deportivo Chivas USA, New England Revolution, Houston Dynamo, New York Red Bulls, and FC Dallas have already qualified. Toronto FC and Real Salt Lake are already out. The final two playoff spots are up for grabs and will be decided by Sunday afternoon. Chicago Fire, Kansas City Wizards, Columbus Crew, Colorado Rapids, and Los Angeles Galaxy are going for them.

It's gonna be good. Four games on the DVR Saturday. Playoffs start next Thursday. DC United have already clinched the Supporter's Shield as the overall points champion this season. First team to do it two years in a row. They've also clinched home field advantage, which is huge. After that first playoff game on the road, they'll be home the rest of the way as long as they are in it, with MLS Cup 2007 being at RFK.

San Jose Earthquakes will be coming back to MLS in 2008, and it looks like Seattle will have a club in 2009. Also seems like Portland and St. Louis are closer to getting into MLS.

Great time to be a fan of Major League Soccer. Potential is there for the best playoffs ever!

Be Seeing You.

Oh, Thank Heaven! Seven-Eleven!

2007-10-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of the Wiggles smash CD hit "Wiggly Wiggly World", with an emphasis on the songs "Another Cuppa" and "Six Months on a Leaky Boat". The first being my son's favorite, and the last being my favorite. Yep, I got me a favorite Wiggles tune.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: MLS as the season is winding down into the final weekend. Also, keeping up with my reality shows "The Contender" and "The Ultimate Fighter 6". On the side, a heapin' helpin' of some Noam Chomsky. Plus, I finished those pesky Jeff Awards (I'll post the link elsewhere).

WHAT I'M READING: Thanks to an impatient three year old and the impending closing of the library, I quickly grabbed some books from the classic section. Right now, I'm on "The Plague" by Albert Camus. Pretty good, considering I grabbed and ran for the checkout.

WELL faithful readers (yes, the plural is completely optimistic), major things have prevented me from blogging recently. Let me break it down for you, Dung! style.

It all began a long time ago on a day the calendar likes to call Thursday October 11, 2007. I had literally just finished cooking dinner and was preparing to spoon it lovingly on a plate for my beautiful bride, I heard those three little words every man longs to hear from his sexy wife: "My water broke!"

She stood up, with Niagara Falls between her pregger legs flowing onto our carpet. Number One Son Jude immediately pointed and yelled out "She can drip on the carpet, but I can't color with my crayons on your oh-so-precious carpet, Father?!?"

Okay, that may or may-not have happened. But the water breaking did. Now, my wife is due on November 1st, and we already scheduled the c-section for October 26th, so when she called out my response was "No it didn't!"

But it did. The evidence was too overwhelming. Even the O.J. jury would convict based on it (how's that for most dated reference of any blog this year). So we gathered our things and rushed the lovely wife to the hospital. This was around 7 in the p.m. I had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, the baby was coming early.

People with actual medical degrees and stuff confirmed this around 9 pm when they said "We gonna pull that little bugger out ya." I called my mother, who was asleep (although to be fair, she was asleep by seven) and needed to remind her that we had Jude with us, and most likely the doctors would not allow a three year old into the surgery room to watch Mommy get gutted. So they came and took the boy for the night. I called the wife's family up in Michigan. They live an hour away in good weather, and being this is nearly mid-October the snow was surely falling. They outfitted me with some scrubs and a mask that wouldn't stay because the cheap-ass string kept breaking. Then I was hustled into a room just in time to see them tossing my numb-ass wife around like a rag doll (she got the spinal block so as to not feel the pain of being cut open-wussy!). I huddled up close to my pretty girl, mostly to talk to her during the surgery, but also to avoid seeing what her insides look like. At 10:21 in the p.m. they pulled our little son's legs out. At 10:21 and fifteen seconds in the p.m., he pulled the legs back into his mother's warm womb. "It's cold out there, ya stupid bastards!" he shouted.

Okay, that might not be 100% accurate. So they pulled out the boy, and much like his brother Jude before him, the boy entered this world urinating everywhere. After some cleaning, testing, and checking, I was allowed to hold my newborn son.

World, say hello to Sullivan David (last name withheld at baby's request)!

Baby was seven pounds and eleven ounces (hence that clever title) and 20.5 inches long. That made him four ounces and 1/2 and inch bigger than Jude. A beautiful head of hair. A beautiful baby.

So now our two boys are alive and well, and at home.

THE FUTURE. Quit reading now, honey. Okay, for the rest of you (I know, optimistic on my part that I have readers) I have already mapped out one exciting career path for my boys. When they are of age, I shall take them to Mexico where they shall don masks and compete in the lucha libre circuit (that's pro wrestling south of the border) under the names "El Hijo del Manaconda" and "El Hermano del El Hijo del Manaconda". The glory shall be great!

Okay, my lovely wife absolutely hates that idea. So it won't happen. But a man's gotta have a dream (especially when you doze off watching Fox Sports Espanyol and wake up to Mexican wrestling at one in the morning).

THE DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE! will return in the next blog. See, I can't update my records without it spoiling the result of last night's game, so I have to watch the game first.

Be Seeing You.

Jose, We Hardly Knew Ye

2007-09-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A mix-CD I made last year with a variety of music. Some music from films, some Tom Waits, and a dash of "No Woman No Cry".

WHAT I'M READING: Just started "Hubris", yet another book pointing out what an idiot Dubya is. Why do I keep reading them? Honestly, don't know. I go to the library with the best intentions, but usually cannot pick some books out and end up going over to the modern history section.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: If it's the weekend, it must be time on Planet Football. Watched some MLS action last night, and just finished viewing Manchester United's huge two-nil win over Chelsea with my boy Jude. Outside of the footie, Queen of the Dung Heap and I are working through the last of the Jeff films. Down to the final four for those who care (which would be me and Kimbers when she's bored enough). Also finished up the second season of X-Files a bit ago, so will be whipping out season three soon. And finally, the new TV season starts this week. So it's back to our joint viewing of Heroes, Earl, The Office, and my reality shows (The Ultimate Fighter 6 and The Contender).

I FIND IT FUNNY how the local yokels and the media react to Notre Dame. See, the Dung Heap is roughly a spit in a good wind away from the campus. So we get a lot of Notre Dame stuff here. What I love is the vicious cycle. A Notre Dame team will be sucking it up. Fans will cry for the coaches head.

sidenote-My favorite example of this is back when the Bob guy was here after Lou Holtz. Due to working like twenty-two days in a row, my employer gave me two free tickets to a Notre Dame game. Didn't really want to go, but had never been and thought it would be a way to waste an afternoon with the wife before heading to the first Harry Potter film at the local picture show. So we go. The fans all around us (those who actually care about pointy-ball) are just attacking the coach from the opening kick. One guy is shouting angrily after every play that Notre Dame isn't passing the ball. "Why do you always run? Pass the ball once!" So, at some point in the second quarter Notre Dame passes, and it is intercepted. The idiot jumps up immediately and yells out "Why'd you pass the ball, Coach?" in anger.

Anywho, the team sucks and the coach is fired. The fans rejoice. Some new guy is hired, and all is golden. Jeff Jeffers, the local "sports newscaster" (I use quotations because from what I can tell he only knows about Notre Dame football and no other sport) goes on and on during the news cast giving the coach fellatio (okay, he only literally gave one coach fellatio one time on air, but you can tell at the end of the interview that Jeffers is about to spread those lips wide to open the cock holster soon as the cameras are off). It's just days and weeks of how great the new coach is and how much the last guy sucked. Invariably, the words "The tradition is back" or "the glory years are returning" or "Ugh mghdition ishgh baghagah" (spoken with mouth full of coach schlong) are spoken on air. You see the signs popping up in yards. Some form of t-shirt is quickly put out by the university at the bargain basement price of $85 (seriously, Notre Dame sent me a catalog once and everything is over-priced; it cost like ninety bucks for ND boxers).

New coach will come in, riding the wave of glory and love (and wiping Jeffers' spit off his pubes). That first season the team will usually do good. No national title, no bowl victories, but like one or two defeats. Good. The local fans are excited. Jeffers is jerking Little Jeff during the eleven o'clock news. Hysteria is in the air. Next year is the year. This new guy will get his recruits in, the stank of the old coach will finally be completely gone. Everything will be sweet corn. Of course that national title will come to the Bend. (actually, according to the university, the campus is located in Notre Dame, Indiana; find that place on a fucking map you jackholes!). Jeffers, after swallowing a load of liquid love, will declare them the best pointy ball team on the planet, ranking them above the Super Bore winners. ("If the Irish played NFL Champions the Colts, it would be a 45-zero rout called off at halftime according to the mercy rule established in slow-pitch softball leagues and playgrounds around the nation.").

Of course, that second year the team comes back to reality. They lose as often as they win, if not more. The new recruits stink. The national title dream is gone by week two. Jeffers won't return the coach's phone calls.

And, naturally, the fans turn on the coach. He goes from a write-in vote for the Nobel Prize to unable to get a free meal at the homeless shelter. His head is called for. Calls are made for a new coach.

That's where we are right now. I guess Notre Dame has lost every game. People want change. If they don't hire a new coach, the athletic director will be assassinated Grassy Knoll style by the time the Thanksgiving turkey is on the fourth day of leftover sandwiches.

I have no doubt that this will continue. They'll suck. Fans will want a new coach. He'll probably get fired next year. And Jeffers will be chapping up those sweet, sweet lips waiting for the announcement of the new coach.

I find it all very funny, myself.

p.s.-I hate Jeff Jeffers. With every fibre of my being. In case you were wondering.

JOSE JOSE JOSE JOSE IS GONE IS GONE (to the tune of "ole ole ole ole")
So Mourinho has left Chelski. Not too suprising. Seems he and the trillionaire Russian owner Abramovich could no longer get along. Abramovich bought Chelski four years ago with the dream of football glory at any cost (really, any cost, the dude spent hundreds of millions on players). Chelski won nothing that first year, so the gaffer was fired and Jose Mourinho was brought in. Mourinho had just led FC Porto to a league/Champions League double, and was being considered as the best football manager on the globe. In three years, Chelski won two Premiership titles, one FA Cup, two Carling Cups, and one Charity Shield. Pretty damn good. They lost like six matches in the league during this time, and never lost at home. But they didn't win the Champions League. So Mourinho was under pressure, and couldn't take it anymore.

He's gone now, and I'll miss him. Oh, he's two excellent a football mind to be unemployed for long. But he had a swagger that I enjoyed. Chelski have appointed some nobody that use to coach Israel to take his place. I see a minor disaster here, and this new guy Grant won't be on the sideline come next August.

Worst of all, it would have been sweet if Man United beat Chelski in Mourinho's last game in charge. Instead, they whupped the Trillionaire's Boy Club today in Grant's first game of a short reign.

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE:
ABC-1
ESPN2-21
FSC-17
Direct Kick-57

So that's 57 games for $79, or $1.39 per game, with a whole month left!

Be Seeing You.

The Rumors of Dung's Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated (to the dismay of many)

2007-09-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some Depeche Mode, some Sinead O'Connor and some Ben Lee.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Finished up the weekend's MLS action, and now back into X-Files Season Two (I shall finish it, by God!).

WHAT I'M READING: Nothing at the moment. Gave up on "Hannibal Rising" even though I made it through the first three books by Thomas Harris. The end of "Hannibal" was such a huge disappointment, and the first 100 pages of this one are equally bad. Harris jumped the shark, getting too wrapped up into loving his own creation to make an interesting, realistic story. Off to the library today to begin something new.

Here I am, back after a month's absence. Just enjoying the tail-end of summer here in Northern Indiana. Hanging out with the family, playing with Number One Son while the weather is still nice, and working my way through the Jeff Award film list. See, it's a list of 100 films released in 2006. I watch them all, then I whittle it down to nominees for my Jeff Awards (but that's a whole other blog).

Can't believe it's almost mid-September already. The summer goes on officially for another two weeks, Labor Day is generally considered the end of it. Kids are back in school, vacations are done, and pools are being put up as we speak. Here at the old Dung Heap, we celebrated Jude's third birthday plus the big three holidays, and our sixth anniversary.

I'm a summer guy. As I've posted before, I love the warm weather and being able to go outside. I love taking Jude to the local park at night. I love wearing shorts and a t-shirt (or in my case, many DC United and Manchester United jerseys). I love grilling. I love driving with the windows down. I love the sun being up before me, and setting after nine at night.

But that's all going to change soon, as it does every year. It's already dark when I get up, and the sun is setting as we come home from the park at eight o'clock in the evening.

Today, for the first time in a long time, the air conditioner is off AND the windows are closed. It's chilly out.

Before too long, I'll have to get the rake out and pick up the leaves. Less this year, because last week I butchered the family tree.

Halloween is only about forty days away (hell, it's right now according to cinemas across America), and the candy is on display in the stores. Right after that is Thanksgiving, then Christmas. Pretty soon, 2007 will be but a distant memory.

I'm having fun, but time is flying ridiculously quickly lately.

BIG NEWS ALERT! Mark it down on your calendars! Friday the twenty-sixth of October around 7:45 in the morning, Son Number Two shall be born (or ripped from the womb, whichever you prefer). It's crunch time, but we're ready. Well, Mrs. Dung is ready, and she's the only one that really counts here, as it's her body the little bugger has invaded.

I'm looking forward to being a daddy to another bouncing baby boy, but still curious how I'll handle being a father of two.

NOTES FROM PLANET FOOTBALL
1. DC United is on the rise, winning seven of the last eight, and collecting twenty-two out of twenty-four points to take a nice lead in the Eastern Conference, and move closer to our second straight Supporter's Shield. The way the team is playing, I'm beginning to believe that we can win title number five come November. MLS Cup 2007 is at RFK Stadium, and if United are in the game, you can bet on a sellout, with a great crowd supporting. I like what I see.

2. Manchester United struggled out of the gate. Two draws and a loss in the Manchester derby to start the season. But things are back on track. Consecutive wins over Tottenham and Sunderland put us at eight points. It's going to be tough making up the early season lost ground, but the squad has the talent. Plus, we've been without Rooney since game one, and Ronaldo since game two.

3. Impressive win Saturday at home for Los Angeles Galaxy, especially with Landon Donovan and David Beckham not being there. But still, I can't see them making the playoffs. Too little too late there. Shame too, as they have the talent to go far, and a great coach. But injuries and poor form have hurt them. If they get everybody back next year and can avoid the injury bug, L.A. could be very dangerous in 2008.

4. DC are in form, as are Chivas USA. In MLS, in-form for the playoffs often means a championship.

5. Finally, here is the beloved...

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE!
ABC-1
ESPN2-20
Fox Soccer Channel-16
Direct Kick package-51
(as of 9/9/07)

So that's 51 games for $79, or $1.55 per game. And there's still another month to go. What a bargain!

Good to be back.

Be Seeing You.

You Say It's Your Anniversary (Well, It's My Anniversary Too!)

2007-08-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated exclusively to the Queen of the Dung Heap. No reading, watching, listening. No football. No views and news.

Because today is our special day.

August 11, 2001 was the day that we officially became man and wife. We unofficially became man and wife about a week before we met when I correctly answered a trivia question she e-mailed me. See, she said if I could get that one right, we would head to Vegas. I got it right (Billionaire Boys Club, baby!) and she was endowed to me.

But in reality, we married six years ago today. It was a whirlwind time. We met via the Love@AOL site on December 27, 1999. Had our first date on January 5, 2000 in which we dined at a chinese buffet, enjoyed some Dairy Queen, and went back to her place for a little S&M (that would be sodas and muffins, you pervs). She showed me some T&A (that would be tapes and albums, you pervs). I looked through her album of accomplishments, which was very impressive (married me a smart one!). The next day we headed to the Great White North of Michigan for a comedy night at Chiefs. Friday we took a break, sadly. Saturday we spent some time at my apartment where I made dinner, we watched some Shawshank on TNT (shocking! Shawshank on TNT?), than she got naked and made me keep my clothes on so that I'd have the most incredibly sore balls in Northern Indiana history after she left.

In March I officially moved into her place, because it was a nicer apartment. On July 5th we recreated our first date, only this time instead of T&A (talk and allegory, you pervs), I threw a ring at her and she said yes. Excitedly, she called her mother to tell her, interrupting Survivor.

And on August 11, 2001 we married. A beautiful ceremony in Coloma, Michigan followed by a fun reception in St. Joseph, Michigan. A good time was had by all, especially when they were supposed to not have a good time and shut up to watch our first dance.

It's been a great six years. We bought a house, had a child, got pregnant, watched some movies, and had some crazy S&M (that's sandwiches and milk, you pervs).

And today we celebrate our holy matrimony, flush with pride that those nasty homosexuals can't ruin the institution by participating in it (sarcasm alert. sarcasm alert.)

I love my wife. She puts up with a lot that others wouldn't. Such as my stupidity, silly songs, five years of burnt food on the grill, and soccer out the yanghole. But she's the perfect wife for me, and I'm blessed to have her.

Happy Anniversary, Kimbers. Love you.

Anybody Ready For Some Football? (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Be Wrong)

2007-08-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The awesome soundtrack to "Requiem for a Dream". Me love me some Kronos Quartet.

WHAT I'M READING: The Agenda by Bob Woodward, on the first year of Clinton in office.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Last night it was "The Queen". Pretty darn good stuff. Mirren deserved that Oscar, though I cannot say the same for Forest Whitaker. Also, if it's the weekend, it must be MLS time, baby! Also saw the fifth Harry Potter film today.

A FEW RANDOM thoughts before I display my ineptitude.

1. This makes me curious. Why do supermarkets have those signs on the cart corrals? You know, it says "Please Help Us Keep Our Prices Down By Returning The Cart Here". It makes no sense, because right under it the store puts the information that they cannot be held responsible for damage caused by carts. So, if they are not responsible for the damage, why would our prices have to go up if damage is done? We should be able to leave our empty cart anywhere in the lot, and it doesn't matter, because they are not responsible. The sign makes no sense.

2. Despite what he says, I think when historians look back on Dubya's time in office it won't be pretty. Outside of the Iraq fiasco, he's done a lot of other things wrong. Too much to get into today. One day, I predict Bush will make us look back fondly on Nixon's controversies.

3. Funny interaction heard today betwixt the lovely wife and Number One Son.
THE LOVELY WIFE-"Bob the Builder is a great guy, but don't be fooled. He charges a ton of money for his work."
NUMBER ONE SON-"Don't tell me that."
Made me laugh.

4. This will make you laugh, because you don't live here to understand just how sad it really is.
Near our lovely town is a small village known as Roseland. For years, Roseland's three person council was dominated by a husband and wife team that lived for publicity, no matter how bad. They were known for tossing Roseland citizens out of meetings for making noise, any noise.

Turns out the husband of the disgraceful team has two kids living in Texas with his ex-wife. Turns out the husband also never pays his child support. He owes over $100,000 and never pays, despite being a real estate agent.

Recently, he got tossed in the slammer until he paid $10,400 in child support. He found the money. Shocking, when you consider he had his real estate license revoked last year. Even more shocking when you know that his wife recently purchased a house AND a new car (remember-he doesn't have money to pay child support).

Now comes the funny part. The husband was quoted in the local newspaper after getting out of jail saying this gem that is destined to be inducted into the Stupidity Hall of Fame.
"They're stealing from the children by making me waste my money on attorneys to go to court all the time."

That's right. The guy who has to go to court for refusing to pay his child support is apparently offended that the court system is stealing money from his children by making him go to court to get the child support money.

Now that's a whole new breed of idiot right there.

AND SPEAKING OF IDIOTS:
Now it's time to make my annual English Premier League Predictions for the 2007/2008 season. Those who pay attention know that I'll be wrong. But I gots to do it anyway! Here's how I see the table finishing up come next May.

1. Manchester United (my club has added serious talent to a championship side, and trophy number ten in sixteen years is coming home!)
2. Chelsea
3. Liverpool
4. Arsenal
5. Newcastle United (Big Sam is the right man for the job, and the club has a lot of talent that has underperformed; I expect a big turnaround for this club with Allardyce in charge)
6. Blackburn Rovers
7. Tottenham
8. Everton
9. Manchester City (Sven is here, and spending money, but I don't see a huge change from a yo-yo club)
10. Aston Villa
11. Middlesbrough
12. Reading (a very good first year in the EPL, but I think they'll struggle this term)
13. Portsmouth
14. West Ham United
15. Bolton
16. Fulham
17. Birmingham City (I think they will survive, but just barely; last day of the season type deal)
THE RELEGATION ZONE
18. Wigan Athletic (barely stayed up last season, and I think they'll barely go down next May)
19. Sunderland (I'd love to see Roy Keane keep them up, but I can't; this yo-yo club is heading down, probably by mid-April)
20. Derby County (I'd be surprised if they do better than Watford did this year; down by late March essentially)

I see Liverpool winning the FA Cup, and Arsenal taking home the Carling Cup. As for the Charity Shield (to be played tomorrow!), I see Chelsea beating Man United.

The Direct Kick challenge will return next week, seeing as how for the first time in decades I've actually posted two blogs in under a week.

Be Seeing You.

Holy Frack! It's August?

2007-08-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Got a couple mix-CD's of songs I've burned from two years ago. Good tunes. Jammin' on "Breathe" by Telepopmusik and "Afternoon Delight" by whomever sings it.

WHAT I'M READING: "The Brethren", Bob Woodward's 1979 opus on the Supreme Court. On a big Woodward kick, having read his Bush trilogy plus the two books on Nixon (All the President's Men and The Final Days) already this summer. Checked out four more, including The Brethren, from the library. After Woodward, I'm thinking of going back and reading the entire Dune Opus by Frank Herbert and his son. There's like 14 books total, so that should take the rest of the year.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Getting movies out of the way for my "coveted" Jeff Awards (a cheap Oscar rip off by me). See, I make a list of 100 films from the year (2006 in this case). Than I watch them. After watching all 100, I work out a list of nominees. Than I pick winners. Y'see, I am totally a geek. Recent films include "Infamous" (good), "The Fountain" (a must-see), "The Good German" (okay at best), and "The Good Shepherd" (very good, but not quite great).

Outside of that, I just started "The X-Files: Season Two". And, of course, there is the Major League Soccer season in full swing. Sounds like a lot. I watch TV at night, after tucking in my family.

AND NOW TO THE BLOG....
Can't believe it's already August. This year is flying by. Summer is going way too fast. It's been very good so far.

Number One Son Jude had his third birthday on Monday. My boy is getting bigger. He's working on the potty training. He has mastered peeing in the potty, but needs to work on the pooing. For his birthday, we got him a way-cool bunk bed. He loves it. Took to the big boy bed a lot faster than I figured. Since night one, he has gotten in, stayed in, and slept all night long. We also got him a way-cool fireman's outfit that he loves (coat, hat, hose, axe, walkie-talkie, and fire extinguisher) to wear around the house, putting out fires. Finally, we got him Bob the Builder jammies.

On Saturday, we had his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheeses' Fine Eating Establishment. I've never been there before, so it was fun. Jude loved playing the games, eating the pizza, eating his ice cream cake, and opening his gifts. A good time was had by all.

WORK STILL SUCKS...But I can live with it. I had a new job lined up, but completely forgot about the insurance issue. See, with the beautiful Queen of the Dung Heap being due to have a child on November 1st, we need to have insurance for the birth. And taking that new job wouldn't help, as pregnancy is a pre-existing condition. So I had to pass. Still looking into getting a second job, as my current job doesn't guarantee me 40 a week (sometimes 40, sometimes 36). Besides, saving a bit of money would be good for a second child.

OF COURSE, THERE WILL BE SOCCER...My fave sport. The MLS season is in full swing, with my beloved DC United starting to show that they will not be championship contenders. The Superliga kicked off last week, a nice little cup competition betwixt Major League Soccer and Mexican First Division clubs. So far, MLS is doing pretty good. Los Angeles have advanced to the semi-final, and DC looks on course to join them there. New England and Houston are hot right now, with Kansas City, Columbus, and FC Dallas right behind them. Slumping sides include New York Red Bulls and Real Salt Lake, with DC United being inconsistent.

Freddy Adu, the fourteen-year old wunderkind when he debuted with MLS in 2004, is now 18. He's also heading over to Portugal to play for Benfica. A good move for all. Adu should definitely grow under the pressure of European football, and I don't think we ever saw the real Adu talent in MLS.

Becks is here. What more could possibly be said. Yes, it's good for MLS and soccer in America. But no need to add to all the hype. His MLS debut could be this Sunday, against Toronto FC at BMO Field, the best stadium atmosphere in the league.

Speaking of overseas, the Euro leagues will be starting soon. The English Premier League kicks off on August 11th, and the Italian Serie A starts up a week later. German Bundesliga is also getting underway soon, and Spain's La Liga will start up again in September.

So it's a great time to be a fan. MLS is hitting a mid-season stride, and the European leagues are just getting started. In just a few weeks, I'll be ass deep in football around the globe.

Which means it's almost time to call up DirecTV and order the sports pack, so I can get Fox Soccer Channel (EPL, Serie A, MLS, Euro Cup, and many qualifiers) and GolTV (La Liga, Bundesliga, and South American action) again. The DVR is gonna get a work out!

THE SCREENPLAY...final draft is still being written. Taking a bit of time, but I want this one to be as good as possible. This will be the draft I submit out West, and also the final draft of a screenplay that I first started back in high school in the Spring of 1992.

Already mulling over ideas for my next writing projects. Hope to have at least two scripts ready for submission before the year is over.

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE!
As of August 1, 2007
ABC-1
ESPN2-15
FSC-11
Direct Kick-42

So that is 42 games watched thus far, for a Direct Kick cost of $79 for the entire season. That comes to $1.88 per game.

And there's still four months of season left! Greatest bargain in sports!

Be Seeing You.

Here I am, Back again

2007-07-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of Radiohead's "Karma Police". Great song.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: MLS, of course, and some Nixon stuff. A doc and the Stone film.

WHAT I'M READING: Finished "All the President's Men", almost done with "The Final Days", both by Woodward and Bernstein, both on Nixon, perhaps the most interesting President we've had in the 20th Century.

SO I've been gone for awhile. Been busy with life. Summertime is time to be outside with the boy, who loves to swim in his pool and loves to go to the park. Time for grilling, as I love to grill. Time for mowing, as I love to mow. But seeing as we haven't had more than five minutes of rain here in Northern Indiana since my birthday in April, the grass is dead. Yellow, dead. Oh, we've had days where the clouds were gray and you couldn't even see the sky beyond them. Yet it doesn't rain, or it pours for two minutes. It's sad really. I can't even bother using the sprinkler, because we'd have to run it 24 hours a day just to keep the dry grass green. Here's a few things on my plate:

I AM THE UNITED CURSE:
DC United has played half the season now. Not too bad, but they were predicted to be champs by many, and are not playing like champions. I think it's my fault. I don't believe in curses now, mind you, but this time I have to.

DC United right now has a record of 7 wins, 5 losses, and three ties for 24 points. However, in games where I watch them, they have 3 wins, four losses and 2 ties. So in games without me watching, they have 4 wins 1 loss and 1 tie. That's a huge difference, and I think it's my fault. If they do make it to MLS Cup in November at RFK, I may have to avoid watching just to help their cause.

GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD:
Number One Son is going to be three in just over two weeks. Boy Number Two is due in late October. My job decides to cut hours because corporate America can make more money that way. So now I'm looking for a part-time job. Until I get one, we have to rebudget. That meant that ole Dung Master had to call up DirecTV and cancel Setanta Sports and my sports package that brought me Fox Soccer Channel and GolTV. Still get my Direct Kick, as that was already paid for. It means less soccer for me. Not that it's the end of the world (the Euro leagues are off-season anyway), but I do wish to at least get FSC back in August, when the Premier League starts up.

So I'm off to find another job.

THE SCREENPLAY:
Kept me from here for awhile. I finished my first draft, and am now working on the final FINAL draft. Once that's done, I send it out and hope somebody buys it. Maybe, if I'm lucky, they can get Paris Hilton and Nick Lachey to star in it. Wouldn't that be grand?

THE DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE:
For all of you (i.e., nobody) who cares, here it is!

ABC-1
ESPN2-13
FSC-11
Direct Kick-39 (4th of July bunched up the numbers here)

So that's 39 games by midseason for $79, or $2.03 per game. Best bargain in sports, and still another half-season to go!

The MLS All-Star game is Thursday night at Dick's Sporting Goods Park in Commerce City, Colorado against Celtic of Scotland on ESPN2 live at 8:30 pm EST. Who cares? All-Star games suck, basically. I'm more excited about Beckham's arrival (nice Sports Illustrated cover, eh?) and the Superliga starting than some meaningless game against a pre-season club.

But of course I'll watch. Haven't missed one yet.

Be Seeing You.

At the Copa, Copa America!

2007-06-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: James great 1990's CD "Laid". Anybody know if they still do music?

WHAT I'M READING: Just started "God is not Great" by Christopher Hitchens

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Finished UFC Ultimate Fighter 5 Finale. Got some Bill Moyers to view, and starting tomorrow is the Copa America on GolTV. More below.

Welcome to below.

Copa America 2007 starts tomorrow, going through July 15th. Last summer it was every game of the World Cup on the Disney networks, this summer it's every game of the Copa America on GolTV, and next summer it's every game of Euro 2008 on the Disney networks. It's good to be a football fan in America.

As always, I'll toss out my predictions. As always, they'll be about 50% correct. Here it goes, starting with the group stages.

GROUP A:
1. Uruguay
2. Venezuela
3. Peru
4. Bolivia

GROUP B:
1. Brazil
2. Ecuador
3. Mexico
4. Chile

GROUP C:
1. Argentina
2. Paraguay
3. Colombia
4. United States of America

We're taking a young squad. It'll be great experience for the guys to prepare for World Cup qualifying, which begins next summer and revs up in 2009, and should help make us a force at World Cup 2010. But I can't see that lineup getting enough points to advance from a tough, tough group.

QUARTER-FINAL:
1. Uruguay v. Colombia
2. Mexico v. Ecuador
3. Brazil v. Paraguay
4. Argentina v. Venezuela

SEMI-FINAL
1. Uruguay v. Ecuador
2. Brazil v. Argentina

THIRD PLACE GAME
1. Brazil over Ecuador

FINAL
1. Argentina over Uruguay

Argentina (don't cry for me) are taking a very loaded lineup, and have some great young talent to show. Messi is on top of the world right now.

It should be awesome. My first Copa America, as it's usually not shown anywhere but PPV. South American football is still very foreign to me, so I'm looking forward to learning while I enjoy.

GolTV is showing all 26 games live, so check the local listings.

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE:
For period ending June 24th

ABC-1
ESPN2-10
FSC-11
DK-24

So that's 24 games at $79 for the season. Or, $3.29 per game. What a bargain!

Be Seeing You.

Father's Day

2007-06-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The Pixies. Where is my mind?

WHAT I'M READING: Just started Bill Moyers book "Moyers on America". Finished up the Woodward trilogy on Bush. Excellent stuff.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Weekend? Soccer! MLS and La Liga (that still going on?).

Just a few quick notes. It's Father's Day. Hopefully all the daddys out there are celebrating and being celebrated today. Remember to love on those kids, because they're the reason we get this day. We'll be spending the day in Michigan having fun in the sun.

I know I have a personal boycott of all things Paris Hilton. But I had to laugh when I saw this. On the cover of one of those supermarket tabloid/entertainment magazines this week is a photo of the Great Blond Idiot with the headline "How prison has changed Paris".

What the fuck!??!

The GBI has been in jail for what, one week (not even consecutive, is it?) and already it's changed her?

Look, she's too stupid to ever change, and daddy's got the money to make sure she doesn't have to. She'll come out, the press will fawn for no good reason, and she'll go back to being worthless and wasting space on the planet. She'll keep on partying, keep on driving drunk, not pay attention to simple things like getting a license, keep on getting roles in direct to video trash, keep putting out horrible albums that she claims are great, and keep getting coverage for it all.

She's unattractive. Has no talent. And is stupid.

But she's rich, so she'll keep getting press coverage.

It's times like these that make you say America has it's priorities screwed up.

Somewhere there is a minority in prison who didn't commit the crime but couldn't afford quality legal help facing twenty, or life, or possibly even the death penalty.

But our press wastes times on this GBI who's in jail for what, twenty days, for a crime she'll continue to commit.

DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE:
Here it is, updated for through this weekend.

ABC-1
ESPN2-9
FSC-10
DK-23

So that's 23 games, at $79 for the season, or $3.43 per game. What a bargain!

And the season is only 1/3rd over.

Be seeing you.

It's a Boy!

2007-06-04T12:32:00.001-07:00

Just a quick blog.

Found out last Tuesday that the wife and I are having another boy.

That gives me two boys, who I plan to send to Mexico at the right age so they may form a tag team and dominate the Lucha Libre scene (that's pro wrestling in Mexico)!

His name shall be Sullivan.

He shall not be referred to as Number Two Son.

Very happy to have another boy. The family name shall live on!!

THE DIRECT KICK CHALLENGE UPDATE
Here is it. As of this coming Wednesday.

ABC-1
ESPN2-6
FSC-8
DK-20

So that's twenty games at $79 bucks, or $3.95 per game. What a bargain!

And it's only early June.

Back to my writing. But I shall one day resume a more regular schedule for my one devoted reader. Hi, honey.

Be Seeing You.

It's Been a long time since I blogged and rolled

2007-05-22T15:04:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: My Sigur Ros compilation CD I burned to help with my writing

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Season finale of "Heroes", plus soccer as usual.

WHAT I'M READING: "Plan of Attack" by Bob Woodward. The second of the Bush trilogy by Bobby. The first was excellent, and this one is just as good. Read them!

Okay, so I've been not here.

Very busy working on a writing project. My screenplay. Draft 8,000. That's where my writing focus has been. But I am still alive.

I want to make my Champions League final prediction before the big game tomorrow. Take the time to watch it live on ESPN2 at 2pm.

Here I go:
AC Milan 2
Liverpool 0

The Italians bring home the big trophy and avenge the bitter 2005 defeat.

One more quick thing:

THE DUNG-MLS SEASON VIEWING CHALLENGE
Wherein I determine just what a great value the Direct Kick package is. Remember, it's $79 for the entire season. Here's my station by station breakdown as of today.

ABC-1
ESPN2-6
Fox Soccer Channel (FSC)-7
Direct Kick (DK)-15

So, 15 games at $79 for the year equals....$5.26 per game. And it's only May. By the end of the year, it'll be pocket change per game viewed.

Best deal in sports.

I'll be back now and then. Stay tuned.

Be Seeing You

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

No WHAT I'M....today, as I just did it yesterday, so nothing has changed.

Besides, this one's for the Moms out there.

Like the vast majority of humans, I have a mother. We haven't always seen eye to eye on every issue, but I love her. Our communication is pretty limited, as we both hate to talk on the phone, and in person we're both quiet. But we do get along. I've got nothing but respect for all she's done for me over the last 33 years. There's no more loving mother out there.

I've got two mother-in-laws. Both are very good people. Both would do anything they possibly could for you. Both have their funny quirks. My wife's mother is a very active woman but also forgetful, so conversations with her can be funny. But it's not laughing at her, as she knows this about herself. My wife's stepmother is also a nice woman, but has an incredible overreaction to heat of any kind. When it gets above 62 degrees, she is sitting in front of the air conditioner with a little handheld fan blowing on her too.

But my favorite mother in all the world is my beautiful wife, Mrs. K. The mother of my first born, Number One Son, and the child yet to be born, Cletus/Shetus the Fetus. She's a great mother, nobody cares more for their child(ren). She's always thinking of the kid(s) first. It's a thing of beauty to watch her and Number One Son playing together.

I love her, and vote her the World's Best Mommy on this day set aside for her.

Happy Mother's Day, Kimbers.

Be seeing you.

I want a promotion (playoffs)!

2007-05-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some Garbage actually, as I thought I was special. Plus some Death Cab for Cutie.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: The Coca Cola League Promotional Playoffs have begun, with games all through the next week. Plus, MLS of course.

WHAT I'M READING: "Bush at War" by Bob Woodward. Very good read, very interesting, and sad. Hard to believe what a great opportunity at greatness Bush had, and threw away for Iraq.

So the leagues in Europe are winding down.

It goes without saying that Manchester United have won their ninth English Premier League championship (9 out of 15 ain't too bad).

The Coca Cola Leagues are done with the regular season. Now comes the only exciting post season for me (outside of MLS, natch): the promotional playoffs! Four clubs from each league do battle, the semi-finals a two-legged affair and the final in each league a single game played at the brand new Wembley Stadium.

Always exciting. Plus, thanks to Setanta Sports, I'll get to see virtually every single second of the action across all three leagues! Here's how it is playing out:

COCA COLA LEAGUE TWO:
Shrewsbury Town v. Milton Keyes Dons
Lincoln City v. Bristol Rovers

COCA COLA LEAGUE ONE:
Yeovil Town v. Nottingham Forest
Blackpool v. Oldham Athletic

COCA COLA LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP:
Southampton v. Derby County
Wolverhampton Wolves v. West Bromwich Albion

The two winners in each league meet in the final, with the winning team going up to the next step (League Two to League One, League One to Championship, Championship to Premiership).

Part of the fun is picking a club in each level. Since I don't get to see the lower league games often enough, I don't really have a favorite club per league. So I pick one of the four to support, adding just that little bit more to the playoffs.

In League Two, I'm siding with MK Dons, just because of the hard road they've had from the heights of English football to the last rung on the league ladder. It would be nice to see them actually go up for a change.

In League One, I'm siding with Nottingham Forest. With their glorious history (champions of Europe twice in the early 1980's!), this is a side I want to see back in the EPL sometime soon. Moving up a step now would be a start. Plus, they are the club I'm managing in my World Soccer Manager 2007 computer game.

In the Championship, it's tougher. In the end, I'm siding with Southampton, just because I think they belong back up in the top level. But I wouldn't mind seeing Wolves either.

So, it's some great football excitement every day from now until next weekend, then the finals in each league over Memorial Day weekend.

Good times.

I'm going back to the games now. Hope to get a post tomorrow or Monday for Mother's Day, as it's a special day for the most special ladies on Earth.

Be seeing you.

A Heapin' Helpin' O' Dung!

2007-05-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A few different CD's I've burned over the last year. A bit of emphasis on two tunes-"Year of the Cat" by Al Stewart and "A Lap Dance is so much better when the Stripper is crying" by Bloodhound Gang.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Well, it's the weekend, so you know it's life on planet football here at the Dung Heap. Watched the Manchester Derby yesterday, plus some MLS action. Also still working my way through The Sopranos Season Six Part One. Three episodes to go.

WHAT I'M READING: A very good, interesting, frightening book called "It Can Happen Here" by Joe Conason. I've read one other book by Joe C., and this is just as good. Check it out.

1. 50-50
Well, I got the UEFA Champions League semi-final predictions half right. I did get Liverpool over Chelsea, but my beloved United crashed out in the second leg at AC Milan. Milan played a great game of football, and Man United didn't show up for it. So the dream of the treble is over. Hard to be sad though, as this season has already been far better than expected (more later).

So on May 23rd, we've got Liverpool v. AC Milan in a rematch of the famous 2005 UEFA Champions League final. I'll make my official prediction later on here, but it should be a good game of footie. The purist in me doesn't like that neither team actually won their domestic league last season, but in the current UEFA Champions League set up, that doesn't really matter much.

2. One Step Closer...
With a huge comeback win last Saturday versus Everton and a win in the Manchester Derby over Man City yesterday, Manchester United are even closer to winning a ninth English Premiership title. Man United currently have an eight point lead with only two games to play, but Chelsea play Arsehole today, plus two more games.

If Chelsea do not win today, the title is Manchester United's. If they do win, both teams will have two games left, six points on the line, and United have the five point lead. Either way, I'm feeling good that the title is coming home to Old Trafford.

Let's not forget that Man United and Chelsea will battle in the FA Cup Final on May 19th at the New Wembley. A chance for another double in the Sir Alex years!

3. Baby Update: Pretty Wife had an appointment this week, and all went well. She even got to hear the baby's heartbeat. The next appointment is May 29th, and we should find out the sex on that date. Boy or girl, we love our little baby.

4. Got my writing bug back finally. Started work this week on a new screenplay. Well, not really new. A revised screenplay. I've been working on the story since right after high school graduation in 1992. It's gone through way too many drafts to even count, been separated into three scripts, and come back together. But now I think I've finally got it in my mind. I hope to finish the first draft (well, probably closer to 20th draft) by Memorial Day, spend June doing one final revision to make it near perfect, than send it off to some agents.

Can't give up the dream!

5. Well, birthday thirty-three is over. It was a great day spent with the family. Some awesome gifts. Got the second/final season of Twin Peaks, one o' my favorite shows. Got season three and four of The X-Files, plus the X-Files movie. The family took me out to dinner. We were planning to go to a very good Chicago style pizza place here in town, but they are closed on Mondays, plus you can only order when you're there and it takes about an hour to prepare, too long for Number One Son to sit and wait for food.

So we went to Famous Dave's, because we loves the ribs. Our favorite restaurant is Hanayori, which is a Japanese Teppan steakhouse. The food is incredible. But we're waiting to go there with the in-laws, as my mother-in-law swears she'll go with us next time. So we went to get some yummy ribs. Very good food.

6. Well, the summer movie season is here with the opening of Spider-Man 3. I'm not the bigger Spidey movie fan. I've seen the first two, but they were just okay to me. Really can't see how those movies made even $100 million, but the public is fickle. I've got no plans to see Spidey 3 on the big screen. I can wait for DVD for this one. We don't see many films on the big screen now, but I'm sure we'll see at least one summer film. I know the wife loves the Harry Potter books/films, so we'll probably go see Potter 5 in July. Outside of that, nothing really jumps out at me as Must See this summer.

7. The big job search starts this week. Two main reasons. One, me wants out of retail. I've been in retail for seventeen years. Two, the company has lied to me. I just don't stand for that. See, I put in for a promotion.
(1) They told me how the interview process would go, with three different stages of talking to people progressively higher up the ladder. I was up against one other guy. Good guy. I went through stage one of the interview process. They told me they'd set up stage two in two weeks. One week later, a message on the voicemail informs me that the other guy got the job.

Now, I don't mind him getting the job. What I mind is the fact that they told me one thing, then did another. It seems he was gonna get the job no matter what. Fine, either tell me beforehand, or do what you said you would do. Anything else is a lie.

(2) Immediately after, the company tried to patronize me with a phone call. See, I'm a valuable member of the team, so they wanted to sit down with me and map out my future. I was the ideal candidate for a sales position, and those should be opening up any day now. So the district manager was gonna come up and have the talk, planning out the future of the Dung Master. He said he would call me back shortly with a date, time, and location.

That was about three weeks ago. Nothing since then. Seems they thought I might get upset about the whole lying thing, so they wanted to codify me with some false platitudes and pathetic attempts at kissing up.

Lie to me once, I'm through. Lie to me twice, and I begin planning a change in career. If you can't treat an employee with simple respect, don't expect the employee to stick around.

That's all I got for now.

Be Seeing You.

On Turning 33

2007-04-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A mix-CD of mostly Sigur Ros tunes, sprinkled with some others.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Soccer, of course, but also a wonderful PBS Bill Moyer's special called "Buying the War" about the so-called liberal media's failure to do their job in the run up to Iraq. If you can catch a replay, do so. It's damn good.

WHAT I'M READING: My "Inside United" magazine subscription finally started coming to the house again, after a strange two month delay.

Tomorrow I will be turning 33 years old. Thirty-three long years on this planet. It's been a pretty good run so far. I've got no real complaints. A college graduate. Found the love of my life and married her. Have a wonderful son and another on the way this Fall. Plus, I enjoy the soccer.

Have I accomplished all my goals? No. I still want to have a career as a writer. Getting paid to do something I love. I still want to do some traveling, especially with the wife. She deserves to see the world. I'd love to see my beloved DC United in person at their own stadium, or go to Old Trafford to see United play. I'd love to see Europe, or more importantly, Hawaii.

I'd love to never see snow again.

It'd be awesome to make enough money at my job so that the wife didn't have to work again. There's a part of me that feels a failure to them that my wife has to work and my child has to go to daycare. They should be at home, together.

But I haven't given up on any of those dreams. I believe that it will happen. I got a lot of hope, and hope don't cost a thing.

I plan to work harder at achieving those dreams in year thirty-three. Time to get out of the retail world and get a career going. Time to spend more time writing, and finding agents to get my writing sold.

After 33 years, it's time to start living the life of my dreams. For my wife and children, and for myself.

Happy Birthday to me.

QUICK HITS:
1. Watching the Ultimate Fighter reality series for the first time. Just really got back into UFC this past winter. It's actually an interesting show. Although I do feel that too many UFC-wannabees feel like they need to waste time acting tough rather than doing the hard work in the gym to actually be tough.

2. Well, DC United has played three games and lost three times. Not a good start. But as long as MLS has a playoff system, early season woes don't really matter. Remember last year, DC lost one time in the first 16 games of a 32 game season. But the time the playoffs started, they were a shell of that team, and didn't even get to the MLS Cup final.

3. Hard to feel bad about that, though, with Manchester United riding high. Five points clear at the top of the Premier League with only three games left (basically, the title is coming home). Plus, already booking a spot against Chelsea in the FA Cup Final next month. AND, with the 3-2 home win last week, they hold the edge going into the second leg of the semi-final series with AC Milan in the UEFA Champions League. A shot at the treble, again. No complaints there.

4. Still catching up on my season six part one of the Sopranos. Still a great show.

5. If you happen to run into my wife, please tell her that your wish to the Make-a-Wish foundation is that she allow me to open my birthday gifts today. She's been taunting me with them for about forty days now. (okay, it's only been three-but she always gets me awesome gifts, and it's hard to wait for it).

ONE LAST THING:
I'm starting a little list here on the ole blog of my MLS TV viewing for the season. I'm curious exactly how much I'm paying, total, for each game on the Direct Kick package. It costs $79 for the season, so we'll see if it truly is "The Greatest Value in Pro Sports".

So far, here's my list. First, I list the TV channel (DK stands for Direct Kick), than the number of games I've watched on that particular channel.

ABC-1
ESPN2-3
Fox Soccer Channel (FSC)-4
Direct Kick (DK)-12

So, as of tomorrow's game (April 30th), I've watched twelve games, or $6.58 per game. This is gonna be a helluva bargain, as there is still six months to go!

That's all I got for now.

Be Seeing You.

Quick Predix

2007-04-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

Have to get my UEFA Champions League semi-final predictions in before the games begin tomorrow.

Again, these predictions are for the whole semi-final round, and not just the first legs.

1. Manchester United v. AC Milan
I go with Manchester United. It will be very tough, because Milan are tough to break down and really only have this one cup to play for now. United are stretched on three fronts, with only a three point lead and four games left in the EPL and being in the FA Cup final. Plus, injuries are hurting them. Saha, Ferdinand, and others.

But I am remaining confident that my club can do it, and keep the march to a second treble going.

2. Chelsea v. Liverpool
I go with Liverpool. Chelsea are also stretched on three fronts now. Chasing United in the EPL by three points, being in the FA Cup final also, and trying to win their first UEFA Champions League, the one that Mourinho really wants before leaving. But 'Pool always seem to have their number. Plus, they looked excellent against Barcelona, and much like Milan, this is the only thing they have left to play for. Same semi-final in 2005, and 'Pool won. I think they can do it again.

Both games are on ESPN2, with United- Milan Tuesday at 2:30 pm and Chelsea-Pool Wednesday at 2:30 pm.

Should be excellent first legs, so check them out.

Be seeing you.

Ten Best Lists

2007-04-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, the beautiful wife asked me about my top ten films of all time.

After long thought, here's what I've come up with:

10. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (1967)

9. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

8. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

7. The Thin Red Line (1998)

6. Akira Kurosawa's Ran (1985)

5. Schindler's List (1993)

4. Gone With the Wind (1939)

3. Seven Samurai (1954)

2. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

1. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

And, while we're at it, top ten songs of all time. Now, I'm not the biggest music geek out there, so the list is probably shabby to many:

10. Fade Into You by Mazzy Starr

9. God Only Knows by the Beach Boys

8. In This Heart by Sinnead O' Connor

7. Dogs by Pink Floyd

6. Under Pressure by Queen & David Bowie

5. Hey Jude by The Beatles

4. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

3. Imagine by John Lennon

2. Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers

1. Theme from Shaft by Isaac Hayes

I don't really have a list for books, but the best one I've ever read is

"Johnny Got His Gun" by Dalton Trumbo

TV shows?

10. M*A*S*H

9. Danger Man (aka Secret Agent)

8. The Office (British version, obviously)

7. Twin Peaks

6. The Prisoner

5. Monty Python's Flying Circus

4. NYPD Blue

3. Arrested Development

2. The Sopranos

1. Seinfeld

Any thoughts? I'd love to hear differing opinions.

Be Seeing You.

Best Week Ever

2007-04-21T08:07:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: "When it's Cold I'd Like to Die" by Moby. Beautiful song.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: A few things actually. Working my way through Season Six Part One of the Sopranos. Also, just finished "The Road to Guantanamo" last night.

WHAT I'M READING: "The Art of Happiness" by His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

I just hope VH-1 doesn't sue me for stealing their title for mine.

Haven't blogged this past week because I've been busy having the best week in my short lifetime.

See, our Day Care Provider spent the past week in the Bahamas, suffering through the weather. So that meant Daddy got to take a week vacation to be home with Number One Son (isn't he cute? Check out the photo at the bottom of the blog too).

Monday we spent time playing outside and did the annual Spring Cleaning of the house. Tuesday we went to the library and spent time at the park. We also had lunch with Mommy. Wednesday was more time outside. Thursday Mommy was home with us, so we went back to the library and also spent time outside. Friday was running some errands, visiting Mommy at work, and trip to the park.

Today? Well, the lawn must be mowed for the first time this year. We have to do our weekly shopping trip. Of course, there will be time outside. And tonight, after the family is tucked in for the night, I'll watch some MLS Soccer Saturday action off the DVR.

When Daddy is home, Number One Son wants to be with me. I can't even get him to take a nap (which resulted in him falling asleep while eating dinner Thursday. So we spent virtually every moment from the time he woke up until he went to bed (except for Thursday when I had to share him with Mommy) together.

And it was fantastic. A glorious vacation. My best week ever.

Some Other Things:
(1) Big victory for Man United onTuesday. So, they maintain the three point lead with five games to play. Still have the game against Chelsea, who is doing the chasing after two years of walking away with the championship. But if United can win the four other games they play (today versus Middlesborough, plus games against West Ham United, Manchester City, and Everton) they'll be champions thanks to a vastly superior goal differential over Chelski.

(2) More kudos to Man United for a victory over Watford last Saturday that booked them passage to the FA Cup Final at new Wembley.

So, keep up now, Manchester United is in first in the Premiership, into the UEFA Champions League semi-final versus AC Milan, and in the FA Cup Final versus Chelsea. A shot at another treble for Sir Alex's men. It's been a great season, and the next month is gonna be awesome.

(3) Watched the newest James Bond this week. Maybe it's just me, but I have a few problems with it. See, I like the idea of "re-starting" the series and showing his first case as 007. But if you do that, why have Judi Dench playing M? She was M in the last Bond voyage. Now you are going back to the first one, and she's M also? Don't make sense to me. So what happened? Was she M, then she got replaced by the first guy, then he got replaced, then they brough Dench back? Or are we supposed to ignore the previous 19 films now? Also, if you are going to do Bond's first adventure, why set it in the present day? The Bond films have lasted for forty years, but they all tend to have a chronological look to them. Now we've got our first Bond adventure set in 2006, forty years after the events in Dr. No happened?

Outside of that, the movie was good. Not great. Not the best Bond by a mile, but good. I like Daniel Craig in the role, and look forward to what he does with it.

(4) DC United have started with two losses, but I ain't worried. The Black and Red will get back on track, and I still see them playing for that beautiful trophy on their home pitch come November.

Be Seeing You

Four out of Four Ain't Bad!

2007-04-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M READING: "Happiness", a book of Buddhism.

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Mix CD's, with many different tunes.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Tonight, it's the premier of MLS Primetime Thursday on ESPN2. Thursday nights are the new home of MLS on ESPN2.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE PREDICTIONS
...ring true!

I called all four quarter-final round series correctly.

1. Manchester United 8
Roma 3
2. Chelsea 3
Valencia 2
3. Liverpool 4
PSV Eindhoven 0
4. AC Milan 4
Bayern Munich 2

Just like I called them. For once, I'm basking in the glow of prediction perfection! It feels so good. Now if only somebody (besides my beautiful wife) was paying attention.

So that sets up a semi-final round of:
1. Manchester United v. AC Milan
2. Liverpool v. Chelsea

Still thinking over how I'm gonna call it, so my predictions will come soon.

Other stuff of note...
Not sure how I feel about Don Imus being fired. Yes, what he said was wrong. Yes, he deserved to be punished. But he was let go by his TV show and his radio show. Now the guy is unemployed. Was it really that bad? Does the punishment fit the crime? I'm not so sure.

It is highly hypocritical if any radio station that carried him now plays any song with offensive, racist type language, no matter what race the singer is.

And the public that cried out about this better start complaining to the music companies about the rap CD's that use language that harsh, and worse.

Any person of color who called for Imus' head this week better not be putting a CD with racist language in their stereo in the car.

It's fine if you think he deserved to be fired. But you should carry that anger across the board, and not just to some disc jockey who made a stupid, unfunny joke.

That's where this whole thing gets sticky. If we're gonna fire him for this, we need to be fair all over. And I don't think that's gonna happen.

Be Seeing you.

Some Random Thoughts from the Dung Pile

2007-04-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of "Had a Bad Day" and "Swans", as they are the boy's two favorite songs. He likes to sing a long, but there's hell to pay if you try and join him.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Finished "The Ground Truth" last night. Watching the two Champions League games of the day.

WHAT I'M READING: Just got some books on Buddhism from the library. Not sure where to start.

Random Thoughts:

1. I'll never understand the love for American Idol. To me, the competition is flawed. The singers are not allowed to choose their own tunes, but are forced to sing from the songbook of other artists. If you have to sing funk that week, and you just can't do funk, it could knock you out. That's not what recording artists face in the biz. Nobody expects Justin Timberlake to sing heavy metal on his next album, because that's not his style. Also, I can only think of one past winner who actually is doing something in the music industry, and that's the first one. So millions have watched and voted for American Idol winners who basically go nowhere after winning. If they truly are THE American Idol, shouldn't they have some kind of career after it?

Not a reality show fan. Don't watch them. Never understood the Survivor phenom either. C'mon, if you are stranded on an island, you aren't going to go all "every man for himself" or even form teams. You would all band together to get off that damn island. Nobody is ever rescued and says "I survived because I screwed everybody else who was stranded with me". It's just dumb to me.

2. To me, there is no abortion controversy. In fact, there's a simple solution to decreasing the amount of abortions in the USA. It's called sex ed. Kids and teens who are taught proper sex ed will know how to use a condom, and the pill, and the morning after drug if necessary. When they do that, unwanted abortions are cut down significantly. Take a look at the facts. Holland is a nation with great sex ed, and also the lowest abortion rates on the globe (if memory is correct). It goes hand in hand. Telling kids to abstain is sending them out there unprepared to stop unwanted pregnancies, which lead to abortions, which the people pushing this nonsense on our kids claim not to want have happen. Simple logic would solve that problem.

3. Will also never understand the whole "ban gay marriage" mindset. Who really cares, in the end? How will two guys (or two gals) getting married really, REALLY effect the rest of America. Like my marriage will suddenly mean less because Johnny and Jimmy like riding each other's ass whilst all oiled up.

What's the big deal against homosexuality anyway? What actual harm do gay people cause us? What rights of mine are they trampling? If two guys next door like doing each other, it doesn't change anything in my life. Nobody has ever decided "Hey, I wanna smoke my pal's cock" because they saw a gay couple out in public. There is no evidence, nor is there anything you can say that will ever convince me that somebody decides to be gay. I never decided to be straight. I just found women attractive. I can look at a guy and see why women think he's handsome. But I in no way find him attractive. I see a beautiful woman, I enjoy looking. It just happens naturally. I don't find myself staring at a guy. I don't see how anybody could force themselves to do that. "I don't really think Lenny's good looking, but being gay is so cool and has so many benefits that I'll fool myself".

To claim that homosexuality is a choice is to say that one chooses to be straight also. If that's true, than we all have straight and gay traits inside. I just don't see it. Here at Dung!, when we smell bullshit, we say so.

I smells me some bullshit!

4. I'm trying to develop this more, but let me just toss out the small taste here.

There is a difference between ignorance and racism, and often we don't realize it.

Stay tuned for more on that.

5. Can somebody offer up any evidence whatsoever that Dubya isn't the worst president we've ever had. I'm glad I'm not a Republican, because I would hate to have to ignore all the facts to still defend him.

6. This is America. We're not that stupid (voting Bush in twice aside). So why do companies spend money on commercials with actors singing the praises? Has anybody ever been fooled by that? Do you buy a product based on what some actor says? I'm not talking famous either. I'm talking the unknown actors providing "testimonial" about how great product X is. "I love my Vonage phone" or whatever.

On a related note, why do beer companies even advertise? They are going to sell their product. Just like tobacco, people will buy it without a single TV ad. Yeah, beer commercials can be funny. But save the money. It's not necessary.

That's all I got for now. Man United and Roma are lining up.

Be seeing you.

The Annual MLS Prediction 2: Revisions!

2007-04-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

Well, I made my Major League Soccer season predictions last week. Turns out, I made one error. The playoff format.

I'm still standing by my picks for who makes the playoffs:
EAST:
DC United, New England Revolution, New York Red Bulls, Chicago Fire

WEST:
Houston Dynamo, Los Angeles Galaxy, FC Dallas, Colorado Rapids

Remember, it's the top two clubs in each conference, than the next four best point totals.

Now, here was my mistake. I thought they were going to seed the clubs one through eight in the bracket. I was wrong.

Once more, with feeling, just for my wife: I WAS WRONG!

No, they are keeping the conference playoff format. If one conference had more clubs make it than the other, they'd just move one club over to the other conference playoff bracket. Say three went in from the East, and five from the West, they'd move one West over to the East.

Get it?

Now, I think each conference will have four clubs make it, so it's not that big a deal according to my guesses.

Here's my revised playoff predictions:

EASTERN CONFERENCE
#1 DC United v. #4 Chicago Fire
#2 New England Revolution v. #3 New York Red Bulls

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINAL
#1 DC United v. #3 New York Red Bulls
EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS: DC United (who else?)

WESTERN CONFERENCE
#1 Houston Dynamo v. #4 Colorado Rapids
#2 Los Angeles Galaxy v. #3 FC Dallas

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINAL
#1 Houston Dynamo v. #2 Los Angeles Galaxy
Now, in my original prediction I had this as the MLS Cup final, with the Galaxy winning. However, that was a different situation. I think in a one-off cup final at a neutral spot that the Galaxy would win. But a one-off conference final at the Dynamo's home stadium, I like their chances better.
WESTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS: Houston Dynamo

MLS CUP 2007
DC United v. Houston Dynamo

MLS CUP CHAMPIONS: DC United

Hate to jinx my club by picking them to win it all (for the fifth time, suckas!), but it's so very hard to repeat in MLS. Only one club has ever done it (hint-same team that will win it in 2007).

So there it is. Read it, weep, wipe your eyes, than chuckle at my thinking I can call the MLS Cup final three years in a row.

Be seeing you.

The Champ (League)'s here!

2007-04-03T13:55:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Champions League today and tomorrow, but also some films. In the midst of watching an interesting documentary on Iraq War 2 vets called "The Ground Truth".

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of The Decembrists, with their album "Picaresque". Interesting, fun music. Cool in an odd way. Check it out. Also rocking out to some Nine Inch Nails "Slightly Damaged". That song will get the blood flowing.

WHAT I'M READING: Just finished "I Killed" a book about comedians on the road. Very funny stuff.

Champions League quarter-final action starts today, with the first legs over the next 48 hours.

I failed to blog my predictions before actually watching the first game of the four, but I'm sticking with what I thought heading into today.

TUESDAY:
And again, these predictions are for the complete quarter-finals, not just the first leg.

1. Bayern Munich v. AC Milan
MY PREDICTION: AC Milan. I have watched the first leg, but sticking to my guns on this one. I think Milan only have the Champions League to focus on, with the point deduction punishment pretty much taking them out of the Serie A hunt on opening day. But Munich looked good here in getting the tie.

2. Liverpool v. PSV Eindhoven
MY PREDICTION: Liverpool. PSV impressed me by knocking Arsehole out in the last round, but I don't think they can do it again. 'Pool looked awesome in knocking out Barcelona, and I think they'll stay strong here.

WEDNESDAY

3. Chelsea v. Valencia
MY PREDICTION: Chelsea. This is the toughest one to call for me, because under Mourinho, Chelsea have stumbled in the CL in the later stages. They could do it again. Yet in their current form, they just don't look like losing. It should be a very good contest.

4. Manchester United v. Roma
MY PREDICTION: Man United. C'mon, what kind of fan would I be to not go with my club? But seriously, I think they can do it. The recent rash of injuries have hurt them, but they are getting the results in the Premiership when they need them. Roma look good in the Serie A, but I'm sticking with my club.

There it is. A couple more blogs coming soon. Plus, a correction to my MLS predictions as I got the playoff format incorrect.

Be seeing you (soon).

The Annual MLS Prediction

2007-03-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

Each year, I love to predict the coming Major League Soccer season ahead of time.

Impressive, in that the last two seasons I've correctly predicted the two clubs in the MLS Cup final. Not so impressive in that both times I predicted a New England victory, and both times I was wrong.

Revs suck!

Season Twelve kicks off on Saturday April 7th at 3:30 pm EST LIVE on ABC when the Colorado Rapids open their brand new Dick's Sporting Goods Park in Commerce City, Colorado against my beloved DC United. Later on in April, expansion side Toronto FC opens their new stadium, BMO Stadium, in Toronto (dramatic pause) Ontario, Canada. Toronto have impressed by selling out their season ticket alotment. 14,000 season ticket holders in a 20,000 seat stadium for a club that's never played a real game.

I've thought about it for awhile, and don't feel too confident, but this is how I see it going down.

MLS EASTERN CONFERENCE
1. DC United
2. New England Revolution
3. New York Red Bulls
4. Chicago Fire
5. Kansas City Wizards
6. Toronto FC
7. Columbus Crew

As the pre-season ends, most experts are saying United look like the future champions. I think they'll take the East. Revs have lost a big player in Clint Dempsey, and Shalrie Joseph wants out. Not to mention captain Joe Franchino taking a leave of absence. But they still have a lot of talent, and still have Matt Reis in the net and Taylor Twellman to score the goals. NYRB have added Claudio Reyna, and have the greatest MLS coach ever in Bruce Arena. But unless they find somebody to put it in the back of the net, life could be tough. The Fire lost some talent, but always seem to be a tough club to beat. I think they'll squeak into the final playoff spot. KC have added a great keeper in Hartman, but I also wonder where the goals will come from. Unless Eddie Johnson actually starts earning his paycheck, it'll be tough. Toronto have great support already, and some good players picked up in the various expansion drafts, but I think it'll be a tough first season. The Crew have some great young talent, but I don't think they have what it takes to go too far.

MLS WESTERN CONFERENCE
1. Houston Dynamo
2. Los Angeles Galaxy
3. FC Dallas
4. Colorado Rapids
5. Club Deportivo Chivas USA
6. Real Salt Lake

Dynamo are the defending champions, and still look strong on paper. LA will have to wait for David Beckham until August, and I think they'll struggle early. But Becks will be motivated when he arrives, and Landon Donovan has a lot to prove this year after a dismal World Cup and no playoffs in 2006. Plus, he wins titles in odd numbered years (2001 & 2003 with the Quakes and 2005 with LA). Dallas have a lot of talent and a deadly pair up top with Kenny Cooper and Carlos Ruiz. Can new coach Steve Morrow finally bring the wins? Colorado are always tough, despite not looking like much. A new stadium should inspire the club. CD Chivas USA just don't strike me this year. They were pretty good in 06, but they've lost the coach and some big name players. Can Ante Razov show up again? Is Preki the right man for the job? Too many questions, and I think they'll miss out on the playoffs on the last day of the season. Real Salt Lake have some talent, and have added Freddy Adu. But still don't measure up in the West.

A new playoff format for 2007, as the top two teams in each conference get in, than the next four best point totals regardless of conference. Here's how I see it going down.

TOP TWO IN EAST: DC United & New England Revolution
TOP TWO IN WEST: Houston Dynamo & Los Angeles Galaxy
NEXT FOUR BEST POINT TOTALS: New York Red Bulls, FC Dallas, Colorado Rapids, Chicago Fire

I'm not positive, but I'm guessing they'll seed them 1-8 based on points, so here's how I see the playoffs.

QUARTER-FINAL
#1 Houston Dynamo v. #8 Chicago Fire
#4 New England Revolution v. #5 New York Red Bulls
#3 Los Angeles Galaxy v. #6 FC Dallas
#2 DC United v. #7 Colorado Rapids

SEMI-FINAL
#1 Houston Dynamo v. #5 New York Red Bulls
#2 DC United v. #3 Los Angeles Galaxy

MLS CUP 2007
#1 Houston Dynamo v. #3 Los Angeles Galaxy

Come final time, I think Becks and Donovan will be flying high. It'll be a good to great game, but I'm going with the fairy tale ending of:

MLS CHAMPIONS: Los Angeles Galaxy

I'll also guess this:
ALL-STAR GAME: MLS beats Celtic
US OPEN CUP: Houston Dynamo over New England Revolution

Take it to the bank!

(well, not so fast. Remember how I did on my Oscar picks-50%-and my Champions League picks-63%)

Whatever happens, it'll be an awesome season. New team. New stadiums. Sponsors on the front of jerseys. TV rights paid by Disney, FSC, and Univision. Every game on the national partners and Direct Kick.

I cannot wait!

Be seeing you!

Good News (Happy Thanksgiving...no, wait, Happy Halloween!)

2007-03-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

So the miscarriage that we cried about a month ago didn't actually happen.

And the pregnancy we found out about Saturday? The wife is eight weeks along.

Who knows how it all happened, but it did.

So November 1st our second child is due. With the c-section, it'll probably be closer to the end of October.

We don't know for sure, but thus far my wife says based on the first pregnancy that she thinks it might be a boy.

Stay tuned for the coolest boy name you'll ever read on the net.

Be seeing you.

The Week That Was

2007-03-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

And this is....well, read the damn title again and figure it out.

SUNDAY-Some great action from Planet Football. As I stated in my last post (way back when) my weekend footie viewing consisted entirely of English Premier League action. Thanks to Fox Soccer Channel and Setanta Sports, I had nine of the ten games on the DVR. Sunday, Number One Son and I watched Manchester United beat Bolton Wanderers 4-1 at the Reebok. Great result to keep us on top o' the table for another week. Also watched, over the course of the day and night, Chelsea beat Sheffield United three-nil to keep the pressure on, West Ham United beat Blackburn Rovers two-nil, Liverpool draw with Aston Villa nil-nil, Middlesbrough beat Manchester City two-zilch, and Reading draw Portsmouth with nary a goal in sight. These bled over into...

MONDAY-Watched a few of those on Monday, but don't remember the exact order. Also on Monday, I watched Charlton Athletic beat Newcastle United two-nil and Tottenham beat Watford.

TUESDAY-Everton beat Arsehoe one-nil late on. Speaking of Arseholes, the wife came down with some mild diarrhea. By the by, the only EPL game I didn't get to see was a Fulham-Wigan Athletic draw. A great four days of football action.

WEDNESDAY-Wife was feeling better, but now I had the mild diarrhea. Also called in to help out my co-workers with a reset. Nice that they took me to lunch first, but not so nice that it was a greasy spoon. I like greasy spoon usually, but not when the burger and my asshole is running a race. My company is the bitch of Kroger's. We have to go in there, reset their entire ice cream section by ourselves (most resets have reps from various companies, not just one), and every year I've done it we've lost space. So we go in there and literally hand over our space to companies that don't even have to help. Sad.

THURSDAY-Wife back to having diarrhea, more violent this time. Coupled with a cramping right above her tummy. Not fun. Number One Son is basically down to a parent a day at this moment. But he's flexible.

FRIDAY-Right around midnight, it hit me. While the family slept, I got what my wife had. Horrid diarrhea! A knotting cramping feeling right above my stomach! I was up all but forty minutes all night long. Worst night I've ever had. I sleep in the altogether, but had to wear undies to make sure that if an accident happened, it would be on me and not the sheets. I would get up, spend some time on the toilet, than come back to bed doubled over holding above my stomach. Roughly three minutes later, I'd repeat the cycle. The rest of the day was a touch better. I didn't have the runs so much, but had the constant feeling that something was coming. You know, when you're not sure if it'll be a fart or a turd coming out, so you hold it in all day long. No fun.

SATURDAY-Feeling better. Zip through a work day and spend the rest of the time with the family. A good day. Wonderful weather. Seventies. Spend a lot of time outside with Number One Son.

The highlight of the day is when the test comes back positive.

That's right, Mrs. Ole JC is preggers! Child number two on the way!

I know the experts say keep the news a secret until the first trimester is over. But we've always believed in being optimistic. Keeping it secret seems to be giving in to negative thoughts that something will happen. We announced our first pregnancy right away, and we've done so with this one.

With a miscarriage last month, I'm positive this will be a great, healthy pregnancy.

Not sure when the child will be due, as the doctor visit isn't until Friday. But we're guestimating around Thanksgiving.

SUNDAY-Just a wonderful day. Number One Son took pictures with his cousins in the morning as a Mother's Day gift for grandma. Than some great time outside in the sunshine.

A wonderful ending to a stinky week.

Be Seeing You.

Back from the Pork Induced Coma

2007-03-16T13:55:00.000-07:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Soundtrack to "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". Great stuff, especially Beck's piece and the instrumentals of Jon Brion.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Started Babel last night with the wife. Taking a TV break before a huge football weekend. I've got all nine English Premier League games from the weekend set to DVR. The run up to the title is on! I want to see the title contenders fight for points, as well as the relegation zone clubs.

WHAT I'M READING: David Carradine's "Kill Bill Diary". Great films, and a good read.

Well, I'm back from my near death-by-pork experience. Was not fun. I'm pretty sure 80% of my arteries clogged up. A heart attack could be right around the corner. Just a few quick thoughts before a weekend with the family.

1. Finally saw Zodiac last Sunday. Awesome film. I'm a big admirer of Robert Graysmith's books on Zodiac, and this movie is probably the single best adaptation of a non-fiction piece I've seen. Great acting, great directing. Just awesome. Really got the viewer involved in the hunt for the killer, and the 158 minute running time flew by. Mrs. JC also really liked it. I can't recommend it enough.

2. Read Tyler Drumheller's "On the Brink". It's an awesome indictment of Bush & Co's handling of Iraq. Want the facts from somebody inside the CIA at the time? This is the book.

3. A lovely week. Highs in the 60's and 70's earlier in the week. It's back down in the 30's for the weekend, but the snow has all melted away. Spring is just days away!

4. Time change came Sunday. Seemed to reak some havoc on Number One Son for a few days, but he's back to a good night sleep now.

5. I didn't know the guy personally, but I find it hard to believe that St. Patrick would be all that happy that his big day means nothing more to most Americans than getting wasted on colored beer.

6. Could there be a promotion for your faithful blogger? More to come.

7. March Madness is here. Big whoop.

8. Man United has a huge game tomorrow against Bolton in the EPL. Need to get the three points and keep the pressure on Chelsea. As they say, it's the business end of the season, and Man U needs to take care of business. While still realistically involved in the hunt for another treble, the title I want most is the Premiership. Sir Alex leading the charge over the billionaire club would be an incredible win.

9. Anybody else into UFC? Me like it.

10. A brief bit on resolutions before calling it a day. I made a few for 2007. What I don't understand is why so many people feel like they have to do them all right away in the new year. I made a resolution to give up caffeine, and started on January 1st. It's gone great. I drink Sprite or Sierra Mist or water now. Actually, whenever I can, I drink Sprite Zero or Sierra Mist Free. No caffeine, no calories, and no sugar. I resolved to find a new job. The hunt is on, but I don't feel a need to have a new job by January 2nd. I resolved to lose weight/run more. Started regularly running fifteen to twenty minutes on the treadmill just this week. But that's okay. It's a resolution for 2007 of things I want to do before the year is over. Take it one resolution at a time, and I'll be more succesful at them.

Gotta run and eat some fish. But I'll be back.

Be Seeing You.

Thoughts Whilst Recovering from an Overindulgence of Pork

2007-03-08T18:17:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of "Had a Bad Day" because it's the only song Number One Son appears to like. He sings along with the chorus, which is cool.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: A few minutes of The Office (rerun, blah!)

WHAT I'M READING: Same damn thing. It's only been a few hours, people.

So I ate a lot of pork today.

I'm talking a lot.

Too much.

Belly-growing-as-I-sat-there too much.

The wife surprised us with some BBQ tonight from a new BBQ ribs place that opened up about a mile from us. Double T. The "T" in this case stood for "Toodamnmuch!"

I literally ate pounds of BBQ ribs today, people. The equivalent of a human head. I wasn't even thinking about it. Unlike so many rib tip places, they had a lot o' meat on each tip. I was in heaven. Some rib tips in a tangy mild sauce (because my tummy is a pussy), some fries, and some slaw. Slaw, baby!

So I went to town. We ate while watching Monday's new episode of "Heroes". Sidebar-I'm still waiting for cheerleader Claire to take that shower. She's a cheerleader. The girl's gotta get dirty and needs to clean off. Just show us this and I'll move on. Or a strip search. There was a perfectly legitimate strip search scene waiting to happen in an airport, and they just let her board that plane. It don't make sense.

Back to the eating. About six pounds in, I noticed that my DC United jersey no longer fit. But did that stop me? Nope. Cut it off my bulbous belly and tucked it betwixt my third and fourth chins like a child's bib and kept on going. Number One Son just stared at me with his mouth agape, slowly pushing his own plate of food away. My sensible wife ate a nice portion than put the rest in the fridge for lunch tomorrow (and Saturday, and Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday, and everyday up until the end of Lent-a lotta food, I'm telling ya).

As the button on my pants shot off and left a sizable circular hole in the wall, I finally reached the end of the meal. No more pork to be had. Sauce dribbling down my chin like a gay guy after pleasuring his boy toy, I noticed Charlotte the Spider on her web in the corner, explaining to my wife how Wilbur had gone missing and wondering if we'd seen him.

I was done. Now I must swear off food for Lent, and I don't even consider myself a Catholic.

"You've lived a good life, Father O'Flannery, but it says here that you a T-bone on Friday March 16th. To Hell with you, sir!"

Some other random thoughts while waiting to die:

(1) My gay friends must hate me. Heck, my straight friends too if we're counting. But let's focus on one minority at a time. I'm not the most subtle friend they've got. Talked to my gay pal yesterday on the phone and after he related a casual sex story (minus the gory details) I asked if he was pregnant.

Back in the day when my gay pal Flapjack lived in town, I would often open conversations with "So, suck any big dick lately?"

And I frequently show them my wedding ring and taunt them in a childish sing-song voice "You'll never get married! You'll never get married! The Christian Right won't let you! Na-na-na-na-nuts on chin".

Okay, I don't do that last thing. But I might have to one of these days. Sounds like it'll be fun for all.

One thing I'll never understand about gay sex is this: how can guys enjoy it? It hurts me when I force a turd out the shit chute, and those are usually small. I don't even want to know how bad a stiff cock up the arse feels. Many women say they want a well-endowed man. If I were gay, I'd be looking for the fellow with the smallest dick possible. "You wanna come back to my place? That all depends. Are you hung like a newborn?"

Of course, they tell me that you get used to it. The anus eventually becomes loose. That doesn't sound pleasant to me. I don't want to drop a deuce sideways and not have it hitting flesh.

(2) Why do companies bother with references on applications or resumes anymore? Who's really gonna put an iffy reference down. "You wanna know about Chuckie boy? Yeah, I worked with him. Laziest piece of shit this side of Reno. Only thing he was good at was milking the clock."

Who even bothers to check these anymore. I don't want anybody calling me last employer. If I'm unemployed, chances are they fired me for incompetence or I quit because they were all assholes. I don't want some asshole being the make-or-break for getting another job. If I have a job, I certainly don't want to advertise to my current employer that I'm looking to leave. That's a wise career move. Time to play the game.

What the fuck...is up with references?

(3) Ever take a dump for so long that your ass cheeks go numb?

Maybe that's just me.

(4) After eating a torso's worth of pork, I'm thinking about having a slow churned ice cream bar. Half the fat, 1/3rd the calories.

That should balance out the eight pounds of meat I had for dinner.

(5) Back to the topic of gay guys. Why are so many right wingers surprised by the gay man's libido? These are guys afterall. Guys think about sex all the time. They don't always get sex because maybe the woman is not in the mood. Now take the woman out of that picture, and you've got two horny guys thinking about sex all the time.

Gee, I'm shocked that gay guys do it a lot. So different from us straight ones.

(6) All apologies to Monty Python, but there is no number six.

I must go rest my weary head now. My body is worn out from having to digest a small pig.

Be Seeing You.

Three out of Four Ain't Bad (for me)

2007-03-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Stuck on "Swan" by Uncle Bob right now. Good song to stick on.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Just finished my Champions League round of 16 games, so nothing at this moment.

A SLIGHT IMPROVEMENT:

Well, the round of sixteen is officially done now. I was at 50% on my predicts going into Wednesday's action. Here's how it turned out:

Arsenal 1
PSV Eindhoven 1
AGG: 1-2 for PSV

Bayern Munich 2
Real Madrid 1
AGG: 4-4 with Munich going through on away goals

AC Milan 1
Celtic o aet
AGG: 1-0 to Milan

Manchester United 1
Lille 0
AGG: 2-nil for United

So, I got three of the four correct (Man United, Bayern, & Milan) which isn't too bad. Out of the eight series, I got 5 out of 8 right. Damn you PSV, Liverpool, and Roma!

So these eight are through to the quarter-finals:
Chelsea
Roma
Valencia
Liverpool
PSV Eindhoven
Bayern Munich
AC Milan
Manchester United

The draw is Friday, so it will be interesting to see the matchups. Of note is that both of last year's finalists go out in this round (Barca & Arsehole).

Got a few inches of snow on Monday, but I think winter is slowly fading away. Nice and sunny today, and warm enough to roll down the window a tad. I'm confident that if it does snow again, it'll just be a dusting. I feel safe in saying that the snow blower is done for the season.

A big weekend for some major Euro derbies. Real Madrid v. Barcelona, Inter Milan v. AC Milan, and Celtic v. Rangers. Huge. Add in the FA Cup quarter-finals, and you've got one helluva football weekend.

Looks like Mrs. JC and myself will be heading to the picture show on Sunday, first time this year. Zodiac is on the agenda, and I gots to see it.

Speaking of film, for those who care about the Jeff Awards, there are 14 down and 86 to go. I'm guestimating to finish up sometime in August.

Back soon with some controversial topics!

Be Seeing You

A Little Game

2007-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A lot of "Samson" by Regina Spektor. Also, a wee bit o' "In this Heart" by Sinead O'Connor.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Champions League, duh. Actually, waiting for todays games to start in a few hours, so might peruse some UFC 52 (that's Ultimate Fighting Championship).

WHAT I'M READING: Just started "On the Brink" by Tyler Drumheller.

For those keeping tabs, my 50% prediction rate is still going strong.

Results of yesterday's Champions League games:
Chelsea 2
Porto 1
AGG: 3-2 for Chelsea

Lyon 0
Roma 2
AGG: 2-nil for Roma

Inter Milan 0
Valencia 0
AGG: 2-2 with the away goals meaning Valencia advance

Liverpool 0
Barcelona 1
AGG: 2-2 with the away goals meaning Liverpool advance

So Chelsea, Roma, Valencia, and Liverpool are in to the quarter-finals. I had predicted Chelsea and Valencia, but missed the other two.

We'll see how I finish up today. I'm guessing, based on the Oscars and these second legs, that it'll be around 50%.

A LITTLE GAME...

Time to play a new game here at the blog. A game I like to call...

What the fuck?

Today's game is What the fuck...ever happened to Billy Ocean?

The guy wasn't the biggest selling artist of the 1980's, but he had some pretty big hits, and some good tunes.

Now I hear absolutely nothing about him. Did he die? Is he in a coma? Or did he just say "I've made enough money, screw it all I'm gonna retire!" Is Billy Ocean sitting on his own private tropical island somewhere staring out at the ocean laughing like a giddy school girl?

I want to pull a Billy Ocean! I want to just call me boss up and say "I've had enough of ice cream and humans. I'm done. I'm doing an Ocean, broheim!"

Of course, with our current finances and having a mortgage and a child, I'd only be on that magical beach one hour before heading back to the States to find a new job.

Oh well. When I've got the talent of Billy Ocean, I can do a Billy Ocean.

Until then, I'm just here playing What the fuck.

That's it for the first game. Stay tuned for more, America!

Be seeing you.

It's (Almost) the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2007-03-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" by Santa Esmerelda. If that opening minute doesn't get you rocking, you have no soul, and I will come to slap you.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Just finished "Jaws: the Revenge" yesterday, because I absolutely hate myself.

WHAT I'M READING: Just finished the most recent issue of "Inside United" magazine.

A few quick thoughts as we recover from Mrs. JC's birthday and the social event of the year.

1. Had a loverly March 1st with the missus and Number One Son. Took her out to dinner at the place of her choice (Red Lobster for the seafood lover in her). Had her favorite birthday cake (angel food cake with Cool Whip topping) and let her (finally) open her gifts. Bought her all five seasons of the TV series "Angel". She's a huge Buffy fan and finds David Boreanaz to be hot (I don't personally see it, but what do I know about hot guys anywho). It's a gift that will keep on giving.

2. Saturday was the Social Event of 2007. My brother-in-law (finally) got married to his long time companion. Not the gay kind, but the female kind. BIL and his lady began dating on March 4, 2000, just two short months after my wife and I met. They finally got engaged last year. I still swear it had something to do with his girlfriend graduating and becoming a (six figure earning) pharmacist, but my wife insists that it's love. So did the pastor doing their wedding, as he boldly stated "have you ever seen two people more in love?". To which I thought yes (a) my wife and I and (b)my brother and his right hand.

I kid, I kid.

He did say it though. At least, I think it was the reverend, as the view of everybody in the church was blocked by the wall of people in the bridal party. I counted sixty three bridesmaids before losing interest (actually, there were only eight bridesmaids).

After the wedding came the reception. Food was good, so I enjoyed it. I'm a food guy. The best kind of food? Free. Seriously. You'll never hear me complaining about free food. Chicken? Good. Free chicken? Very good. Pork? Good. Free pork? Very good. Those little red potatoes? Good. Free those little red potatoes? Very good.

Ya gettin' the picture yet?

Mrs. JC enjoyed the champagne quite a bit. She never reached the drunken stage (as I've been told that involves table dancing and the baring of the breasts) but was much more social than normal.

In the end, a good time was had by all. We even made it home safely after driving through what seemed like two hundred miles of backwoods roads covered in snow at a safe speed of twenty. It's always nice when you can't tell if your on a road or in Farmer Bob's field.

3. Saturday was made better because Manchester United got a one-nil win over Liverpool in the a.m. to stay on top of the English Premier League. First loss at Anfield all year for 'Pool. Man U are now down to the final nine games of the season.

4. Tuesday and Wednesday are the second legs of the Champions League Round o' Sixteen. I've already made my predictions (and judging by my Oscar picks, you might want to put big money against them). Should make for some good viewing:

TUESDAY: Chelsea v. Porto (Setanta 2 pm LIVE)
Lyon v. Roma (Setanta 5 pm Delayed)
Inter v. Valencia
Barcelona v. Liverpool (ESPN2 2:30 pm LIVE)
WEDNESDAY: Arsenal v. PSV Eindhoven (Setanta 2 pm LIVE)
Bayern Munich v. Real Madrid (Setanta 5 pm Delayed)
AC Milan v. Celtic
Manchester United v. Lille (ESPN2 2:30 pm LIVE)

In case you are too bored to scroll down and look, these are the eight I think will advance: Chelsea, Lyon, Barcelona, Arsenal, Bayern Munich, AC Milan, Manchester United, and Valencia.

Based on the first leg, I think the Munich-Madrid clash will be the game to watch.

5. Last, but not least, the title of this posting refers to this past Friday, when I did my annual ordering of the Major League Soccer Direct Kick sports package. For the low, low price of $79, I will get to watch 125 MLS games this season (beginning April 3rd and finishing up at the Cup on November 18th).

And DirecTV has this cool option where you can pay in four easy installments, which is nice. Or, as the great Mitch Hedberg would say, three easy installments and the last one will be a bitch. But I don't think they'll charge me in wampum.

Be Seeing You.

March 1st, the second best day of the year

2007-02-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

March 1st. In just three hours, the first day of March will be here.

Around our home, March 1st is the second biggest day of the year.

It's Mrs. JC's birthday.

We start the festivities in February, when the beautiful wife begins giving me the countdown of shopping days until her birthday.

The last day of February is what I like to call Kimber's Eve. The excitement is in the air here.

Tomorrow is it. The birthday.

This year, my lovely bride turns thirty-three. We both have to work, but the party will start at five. She'll open her gifts and Number One Son and I will take her out to the restaurant of her choice. This year, it's Red Lobster.

(actually, most year's it's Red Lobster-she loves the seafood lover in herself, but I'm not the biggest seafood fan, so we usually go once or twice a year).

Than a night of fun. I can't reveal all, because she's my only reader and we don't want to ruin any surprises.

But it's a great day and we try to make our number one girl feel as special as she is.

I hope everybody out there will celebrate March 1st in some way, in honor of my gorgeous wife.

Happy Birthday, baby!

Be seeing you.

February, You Suck!

2007-02-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

Now, I don't believe in curses, and I don't consider myself to have bad luck. I'm an optimist. Maybe too much so if you listen to Mrs. JC.

And this isn't bitching or whining. It's just stating some simple facts.

For the last seven or eight years, February has been a bitch.

If we had any financial problems in the past, it happened in February.

If we did our taxes and owed money, it happened in February.

Accidents? February.

Injuries? February.

Bad weather? February.

Just take a peak at February 2007 here at the Dung Heap.

A relatively mild winter turns into a blitzkrieg of snow. And, of course, on the second day of ten or twelve in a row with snow, my snowblower breaks. Now, it still works. But the piece that holds the rod in place that controls the blower part breaks, so the blower moves as you push it, meaning I have to stop every three feet and readjust it.

Not complaining, because it's still quicker than shoveling. But it broke, and it broke in February.

My wife discovers she's pregnant. A positive test. Four hours later, she gets a period. A miscarriage after five months of trying. February.

Driving along for work with maybe half an inch o' snow on the ground and this guy pulls out right in front of me. February. I will say that my car only had some paint chipping on the bumper compared to the damage to his, but still. An accident? February.

Sunday night the emergency lights on my dashboard come on. That isn't so bad, until you are told that my car was off and the key out. Monday morning I come out at six in the a.m. and the battery is dead. February.

I get it towed in. My place fixes it. Very cheap, all things considered. I pick it up Tuesday night and take her home. This morning I come out, start her up, and within thirty seconds all the lights go out. It drives, but no dash lights. No turn signals. No radio working. No interior lights, and no headlights. I take it back to the shop, and three hours later they fix it.

February.

Bad cold? February.

I get sick maybe once a year. I'm talking bad flu. And when it happens, 9 times out o' ten it will happen in....you guessed it, February.

I hate the month. My wife hates the month. It just never is good for us here at the Dung Heap.

And in three hours, it's over, thank whatever deity you wish to.

Which leads me to my next posting.

Be seeing you (very soon)

50/50 Chance I'll Be Half Right Part of the Time

2007-02-26T18:50:00.000-08:00

Oscars 2007 are a thing of the past now.

A very good show. It kept me entertained for the four hours, and I enjoyed Ellen as host. Enough minor upsets to keep you paying attention.

Speaking of paying attention, I hope my faithful readers didn't. Out of 24 Oscar predictions, I only got twelve right. 50%.

That is, by far, the worst I've ever done. Good in a way that it was not a predictable evening, but still. I have too much pride to be happy with .500 picking.

Missed out on the big one for only the third time in my prediction career. First two were because I went against the actors (1998 & 2005), last night because I went with them. I did feel back in December/January that Departed might get the top prize by riding on Marty's coattails. But that wasn't my prediction, so it doesn't matter.

Oh well, you can't win them all. Besides, the uber-prestigious Jeff Awards are the only movie awards that really count ;)

Early work tomorrow, me must sleep (to quote Cookie Monster). I'll be back soon with a highly anticipated piece on why February sucks.

Quick hits:

-Nice late win for Man United on Saturday, but those 89th minute winners make me nervous. Still, top o' the table with ten to go.

-Pretty exciting Carling Cup final Sunday, with Chelsea beating out Arsehole for the first domestic cup of the season in Eng-er-land.

-Of the nominees, we've only seen The Departed and Little Miss Sunshine. I did like Departed more, and thought it was a great film.

-What's up with all the awesome tunes on Grey's Anatomy? Mrs. JC watches the show each week and has been downloading several tunes she first heard there. I'm not a fan, but with music like that I might start paying more attention.

Be Seeing You.

Random Thoughts

2007-02-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: A mix CD I burned to help inspire me for my next writing project screenplay. A bunch of good tunes such as "Displaced" by Azure Blue, "Passenger Seat" "Transatlantic", and "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie, "Turn of the Century" by Pete Yorn, and a couple from Modest Mouse, "It Always Rains on a Picnic" and "Edit the Sad Parts".

WHAT I'M READING: Same thing. Issue 150 of FourFourTwo

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Just finished Celtic v. AC Milan, now up to my seventh Champions League game, Inter v. Valencia

Not much new here on the ole dung heap, so just tossing out some things floating in my head.

1. Got a cold. Colds suck. But I cannot recommend enough that the second you feel it coming, drink plenty o' liquids and make sure you take Zicam. It comes in many different forms. I would stay away from the chewable, because it's like chalk, and also stay away from the rapid melts, also like chalk. But, it works. I've used it for my last two colds, and both were gone in about 30 hours. Also, both were very mild. A tip from ole JC.

2. Only seven shopping days until Mrs. JC's birthday. The big 33. Ever since we started dating, she has always given me a countdown in February "Only (insert number here) shopping days until my birthday". I love it. However, and don't tell her this, I've already got her gifts. Had them about a week now.

3. March 3rd is the brother-in-law's marriage. Wish the couple well. They've been dating almost as long as we have. We got married after 19 months, and they are now getting married. Tis a beautiful thing.

4. DC United opened up the CONCACAF Champions Cup with a decisive 4-1 win on the road, making the second leg a mere formality. Good job, United!

5. Bought H&R Block TaxCut for the computer to do our taxes this year. $59 and you get one federal, one state, and an e-file for each. Very simple to use. Didn't get the result we wanted, but can't blame the software for that. Also, cheaper than just about any place you go. I recommend it.

6. Oscars are this Sunday. I'm sticking with my picks, but starting to read some strong mo for The Departed. I can't go against the actors, as I stated before, but wouldn't mind seeing Departed take the top prize.

7. Snow is melting. Temps are rising. Sun is shining. Days are getting longer. Can almost smell spring in the air.

8. Speaking of spring, what the hell is up with daylight savings time being moved up into March this year? What's the point of the whole thing if you can just move it around randomly.

9. Britney shaved her head. Big whoop. She's having a breakdown, who cares. I just find it amazing that she's managed to make her money hungry ex hubby look like the good parent coming out of this.

10. The end of days is here! Jersey grants legal marriage rights to gay couples! Whatever shall we do? Look, gay marriage is no big deal. Two people are in love, and consenting adults, let them marry. It's not like the gay population can do any more damage to the institution than we breeders have. I'll never understand all the hullabaloo over this non-issue.

That's all I got.

Be seeing you.

We Are the Champions(League) My Friends! And I'll Keep on Posting Till the End!

2007-02-19T18:23:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: The album "9" by Damien Rice. Great CD. Heavy featuring on the songs "9 crimes", "grey room" "accidental babies" and "sleep don't weep". Also jamming out to Cake's "Comfort Eagle" song.

WHAT I'M READING: Newest issue of FourFourTwo with Becks on the cover.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Mrs. JC and I just finished The Black Dahlia. I've flushed better shit than that. Don't waste your time. It sucks. The acting sucks like I've never seen in a big studio film. The directing sucks. The story sucks. Will probably be the worst 2006 release I watch. If somebody gives you the choice of watching it or having your genitals removed by a epileptic with rusty scissors and a bad cause of glaucoma, I'd say you really don't need your gens that bad.

The UEFA Champions League resumes tomorrow, and I'm pumped up. Thanks to the addition of Setanta Sports coupled with the coverage on ESPN2, I'll be able to watch seven of the eight games in the next two days.

For those not in the know, for shame. The Champions League is a European cup competition. You win your league, your in it the next year. Also, in the bigger leagues (England, Spain, Italy, Germany, France, etc) teams who finish in the top three or four get in.

The first stage involves 32 clubs divided into eight groups. You play each club twice (home and away) and the top two clubs after the six games advance to the knockout rounds.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the knockout rounds. Picture every game being like a Super Bowl, only actually exciting and worth watching.

Here are the games, and my predictions. I'm predicting the clubs that will advance. It's a two-legged series with aggregate goals deciding the winners. I'm not bothering with predicting both legs, just who will advance to the next round.

TUESDAY:
1. Celtic (Scotland Premier League) v. AC Milan (Italian Serie A)

MY PICK: AC Milan. Celtic are a good club, having played very well in the same group as my Man United, and I think they'll make a run for it. But Milan are just a bit too good in Europe for me to bet against them.

2. Lille (France Ligue Un) v. Manchester United (English Premier League)

MY PICK: Manchester United. I don't see Man United going all the way in 2007, but they have too much talent not to get past a good Lille side.

3. PSV Eindhoven (Dutch ErieDivisie) v. Arsenal (English Premier League)

MY PICK: Arsenal. Would pay top dollar to see Arsehole get knocked out at this stage, but I can't even fathom it happening. Too much talent out there for the Dutch leaders, who are in the middle of their own slump.

4. Real Madrid (Spanish La Liga) v. Bayern Munich (German Bundesliga)

MY PICK: Bayern Munich. Tough one to call. Bayern are having their worst season in Germany in a long time, but Madrid ain't doin' much better. They seem to have made a habit of struggling against lower table sides. It'll be a tough one, but in the end unless Madrid shape up, I see them shipping out.

WEDNESDAY
5. Barcelona (Spanish La Liga) v. Liverpool (English Premier League)

MY PICK: Barcelona. Should be the series of the round. Two great clubs. That being said, Barca are the defending champions and rolling along in Spain. Liverpool? Not as such.

6. FC Porto (Portugal) v. Chelsea (English Premier League)

MY PICK: Chelsea. Roman's billions are being spent mainly with the goal of lifting that huge trophy in May. The biggest cup that Jose Mourinhou has not brought to Stamford Bridge. I don't see them falling to the smaller side.

7. Inter Milan (Italian Serie A) v. Valencia (Spanish La Liga)

MY PICK: Valencia. Inter are top of the Italian tables, but I'm not completely sold on them advancing here. Valencia are top notch and I just got a feeling.

8. Roma (Italian Serie A) v. Lyon (French Ligue Un)

MY PICK: Lyon. They've won the French league four in a row, and are looking towards five. Yes, they've been average since December, but I think that'll change here. Can't see Roma taking this one at all.

For those lucky few, here's the TV schedule for the next three days.

TUESDAY
Lille v. Manchester United (Setanta LIVE at 2:30 pm)
PSV Eindhoven v. Arsenal (ESPN2 LIVE at 2:30 pm)
Real Madrid v. Bayern Munich (Setanta and ESPNClassic delayed at 5pm)

WEDNESDAY
Barcelona v. Liverpool (Setanta LIVE at 2:30 pm)
FC Porto v. Chelsea (ESPN2 LIVE at 2:30 pm)
Inter Milan v. Valencia (Setanta delayed at 9 pm)

THURSDAY
Celtic v. AC Milan (Setanta delayed at 3:30 pm)

Happy viewing.

Be Seeing You.

We Hardly Knew Ye

2007-02-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'll never meet you. I'll never hold you in my arms. You'll never stand on the toilet and watch me shave like Jude does. I'll never give you a bath, or blow on your belly while changing your diaper. We'll never applaud your first steps. We'll never lie in bed, smiling, talking about the cool things you did today. There will never be a first for anything. I'll never know your smile, or feel your tiny hands around my neck. I'll never sit in a car in a driveway watching you breathe in the rearview mirror as you nap. I'll never feel your kisses on my cheek. So many things will never happen now.

I'll never forget you. I'll never stop loving you.

Goodbye, sweet child I'll never know.

Valentine's Day & Stuff

2007-02-15T18:08:00.000-08:00

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Sigur Ros, a mixture of Takk and ( ), with a heavy emphasis on Heysatan.

WHAT I'M READING: "Fiasco: A History of Hollywood's Iconic Flops" by James Robert Parish

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Heading into the second half of the UEFA Cup first leg betwixt Espanyol and Livorno. On the DVD, it was the excellent documentary "Heroes: Legends of World Class" (as a child, my brother and I were big pro wrestling fans; the story of the Texas based World Class area's rise to glory, and the horrible downfall of the Von Erich family is a tragedy of Greek proportions-if you were a wrestling fan, it's a great one; even if you hate wrestling, this is a very moving look at a tragic series of events).

Yesterday was the eighth Valentine's Day my wife and I have spent together. The first two as a dating couple, and the last six as Mister and Missus. I don't go as all out as I use to, but at the same time, my feelings for her have only gotten stronger each and every year.

I was not the guy who gets married. My teen years were spent assuming that I lacked the qualities a woman would find attractive. So I lived with a feeling that the best I could get was unrequited love. Of course I liked many different girls in school. But I could never convince myself that asking them out would do any good. Low self-esteem and such. I look back and regret it. There were woman that probably would have said yes. I don't mean that in general, I mean that people would say "You really should ask such and such out. She likes you, Ace" or "Why don't you ask out this girl, she'll do anything for a hot meal, Slick". Yeah, in my memory my friends called me Ace and Slick. In reality, nope. But in my memory. And why shouldn't I remember things like I want them to be?

After high school, I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, I did have some okay qualities that some desperate gal would like enough to eat one hot, free meal with. I realized how stupid it was to avoid dating during my school years. What was the worst that could happen if I asked a girl out?

I found out.

First girl I ever asked out for a real date laughed. Now, I don't think she laughed at the notion of going out with me. I think it was more of a nervous reflexive action. Like I caught her off guard and it was very awkward. But still. When you go through all those years of public schooling believing that you just aren't dating material, then finally work up the nerve to ask somebody out, and the response is laughter, it wounds the fragile ego.

Eventually, I did get a good response to the question "Wanna go eat or something?" As time went on, I gained confidence. Each date was a learning experience. They all didn't go great, but I look back on almost all of them fondly. It was those dates, and what I got out of them, that helped me find my Kimbers.

Some girls stand out more than others. Not always for the right reasons. There was the gal that took my virginity (at the ripe old age of 22!). At the time, I thought I loved her. What I loved was the freedom we had together. She was four years older. We had a writing class together. Talking with her came easier than just about anybody else I'd met. We hit it off wonderfully, and that first month was a blast. She lived in an apartment, so we didn't have to worry about any outside interference. It was just two people getting to know each other. But in late October 1996 my father had a near fatal heart attack. It was bad. It was a miracle that he lived. In fact, the doctor told us to prepare for his death, because he'd never seen anybody in that shape survive. It really rocked my world. I felt like I was falling, and needed something to break the fall, something to hold on to. That became her. It was way too much for a month old relationship to handle. What I needed, she just wasn't ready to give. The second month was all down hill. By New Years Day, it was over.

Looking back, I understand that everything going on in my life at home led to me taking it harder than I would have, or should have. I had to pick myself back up. But I came back stronger than ever. For whatever reason (possibly the sex), I had much more confidence with women. I started asking more girls out. I wasn't nervous about it at all. Dating is a very fun thing, and I got great enjoyment from it.

It was Christmas Eve when I first encountered the woman I would marry. I was single again after a recent breakup. I spent the night with family and friends, all who were married. I was 25 and alone. Going back to my apartment, alone, I logged onto AOL. On the homepage was a mini-ad about "finding love for the holidays". On a whim, since I wasn't tired, I checked it out. The second profile I came across was this beautiful woman. I read her info, and everything jibed with my own likes/dislikes. I decided to send off an e-mail. Three days later, she responded. We hit it off, via e-mails, immediately. We had almost the exact same interests.

On January 5, 2000, we had our first official date, where we first officially met. I entered the chinese restaurant and spotted this beautiful red head sitting there. I approached her and said "Kim?". The woman said no. But it was her. After the best first date of my life, we went out again the next night to a comedy show in St. Joe, Michigan. Two nights later, she came over to my apartment and I made dinner. The next night we went to the movies. Since that first date in January 2000, there have only been two days where we didn't see each other. By Valentine's Day, I moved into her apartment. On our sixth month anniversary, I proposed.

On August 11, 2001 we got married. On September 29, 2002 we moved into our first house. In November 2003 we found out we were preggers, and on July 30, 2004 our first child was born, the famous Number One Son.

All along the way, we've grown together. I cherish every single moment of every day that we spend together. I look at her and see a bright future, and a past that was worth all the heartbreak and anxiety. Each step on the dating path led me to her, so I will always be grateful to those girls. I would not have been the man my wife fell in love with without those experiences.

So I could spend the next hour typing out words to show what she means to me, and how I feel about her. But it can be summed up in four little words. I love you, Kimbers.

Always will. I look forward to growing old and gray with you, and looking back on a lifetime of happy memories.

To steal from Sinead O'Connor:
You are only
My love, my love
My love.

Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers out there.

Be seeing you.

Oscar Predictions 2007

2007-02-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

I am a huge fan of film. So is Mrs. JC. We've been regular Oscar viewers since 2000, when we began dating.

I've been watching the Oscars since 1991. Haven't missed a show. I don't get big into the whole "awards season" thing, but I enjoy watching the nominations and the Oscar show. We sometimes have friends over to view, and sometimes just the two of us watch. But we enjoy it.

Being a big movie fan, and a big Oscar fan, I enjoy making my own predictions each year. And now, through the power of the blog, the predictions will become public knowledge.

Let me first say that I've seen very few of the Oscar nominated films. I've watched The Departed, Little Miss Sunshine, United 93, and Cars. That's it. So I'm basing most of my predictions on either (a)award show season and how the Academy works historically AND (b) pure guessing.

So here they are, Ole JC's Oscar Predictions 2007!

I'm getting those categories that I know nothing about out of the way immediately. The short films. Always a guess here, because I don't honestly believe anybody has seen any of these films, not even the directors.

ANIMATED SHORT FILM: The Danish Poet, Lifted, The Little Matchgirl, Maestro, and No Time For Nuts.
JC PREDICTS: Toss up between two for me, as Maestro sounds prestigious and No Time for Nuts could be funny. For an animated short, I'll guess No Time For Nuts.

LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM: Binta and the Great Idea, Eramos Pocos, Helmer and Son, The Saviour, and West Bank Story
JC PREDICTS: No friggin' clue. I dunno, maybe West Bank Story

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT: The Blood of Yingzhou District, Recycled Life, Rehearsing a Dream, and Two Hands.
JC PREDICTS: The Blood of Yingzhou District. It sounds important, likes it's about something. Just a guess, really. My lifetime average in guessing these categories is probably about 5%, tops.

On to the awards I'm a little better with.

ANIMATED FEATURE: Cars, Happy Feet, and Monster House
JC PREDICTS: Cars. Not just because I've actually seen it, but it's state of the art computer animation combined with a good story.

ORIGINAL SONG: "I Need to Wake Up", "Listen", "Love You I Do", "Our Town", and "Patience"
JC PREDICTS: Well, it's gonna be one of the three Dreamgirls songs. The Academy obviously loves this film. I haven't heard any of them, so I'm just gonna put my money on Love You I Do, for no real reason.

ORIGINAL SCORE: Babel, The Good German, Notes on a Scandal, Pan's Labyrinth, and The Queen.
JC PREDICTS: The Queen. I believe it won the Globe, and most Academy members will probably just check it off because of that.

COSTUME DESIGN: Curse of the Golden Flower, The Devil Wears Prada, Dreamgirls, Marie Antoinette, and The Queen
JC PREDICTS: Dreamgirls. Again, they love this film. Plus, fancy show biz costumes going over several years. You can automatically write off The Queen, and people seemed to hate Marie Antoinette so won't give it a shot. Asian type films do well here, but I can't see it beating the popular Dreamgirls.

VISUAL EFFECTS: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Poseidon, and Superman Returns
JC PREDICTS: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. It's really a two film race here, as Poseidon sunk. I just see them going with the hugely popular money maker over a Superman film that underperformed.

SOUND EDITING: Apocalypto, Blood Diamon, Flags of our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
JC PREDICTS: I'll go with Letters from Iwo Jima. I don't know what the difference is in the sound categories. However, the Academy likes to give each Best Picture nominee at least one award on the night, and this is probably Letters best bet.

SOUND MIXING: Apocalypto, Blood Diamon, Dreamgirls, Flags of Our Fathers, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
JC PREDICTS: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. Seems like a big sound movie to me.

ART DIRECTION: Dreamgirls, The Good Shepherd, Pan's Labyrinth, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, and The Prestige
JC PREDICTS: Dreamgirls. Again, they love it. Plus, many are probably feeling bad about it not getting the Best Picture nomination. Outside shot that Pan's Labyrinth could sneak in, though.

MAKE-UP: Apocalypto, Click, Pan's Labyrinth
JC PREDICTS: Pan's Labyrinth. I feel supremely confident on this one.

FILM EDITING: Babel, Blood Diamond, Children of Men, The Departed, United 93
JC PREDICTS: Tough one to call, really. I'm gonna guess Babel because it juggles a few stories. But I really think United 93 could get past it.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Deliver Us from Evil, An Inconvenient Truth, Iraq in Fragments, Jesus Camp, and My Country My Country
JC PREDICTS: On paper, it looks like a landslide for An Inconvenient Truth. A hot button current issue, and a film that won critical praise and box office. So I'm predicting that to win. However, I think Deliver Us from Evil has an outside shot to pull the upset here.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: Borat, Children of Men, The Departed, Little Children, and Notes on a Scandal
JC PREDICTS: Tough call here too. I would say Borat, because they want to give Sacha Baron Cohen something. But comedies don't do well, and what exactly is it adapted from? Little Children is a prestige piece, but maybe too small. So my predict is this The Departed.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan's Labyrinth, and The Queen.
JC PREDICTS: Babel. All Best Picture nominees will win something, and I believe the Academy wants to honor this one with a major award. Oft-times in recent years, the original screenplay category has become a sort of Best Picture runner-up award. Pulp Fiction in 1994, Fargo in 1996 are two off the top of my head.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: The Black Dahlia, Children of Men, The Illusionist, Pan's Labyrinth, and The Prestige
JC PREDICTS: Pan's Labyrinth. The Black Dahlia is supposed to be gorgeous to look at, but I'm going with the more popular pick here.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: After the Wedding, Days of Glory, The Lives of Others, Pan's Labyrinth, and Water
JC PREDICTS: Pan's Labyrinth. No brainer. Take it to the bank and cash it.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Adriana Barraza, Cate Blanchett, Abigail Breslin, Jennifer Hudson, and Rinko Kikuchi
JC PREDICTS: Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls. This is usually the category for an upset, but I can't see who else has a real shot. She's got the rags to riches story, and she's won everything so far.

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Alan Arkin, Jackie Earle Haley, Djimon Hounsou, Eddie Murphy, and Mark Wahlberg
JC PREDICTS: I'm taking the easy road here with Eddie Murphy from Dreamgirls, because I have doubts that the sheep will stray from every award before them. However, my mind keeps saying there will be an upset, and I'm not sold that Murphy is popular enough with his fellow actors. Not to mention this is his first "real" role in a long time after making family oriented box office films. I could see the upset here. Who would it be? Arkin wasn't around long enough in his film and Haley is the "honor just to be nominated" guy. Hounsou? I don't see it. I would not be shocked if Marky Mark Wahlberg picked this one up. He stole every scene he was in and the film had a galaxy of actors in it.

ACTRESS: Penelope Cruz, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, and Kate Winslet
JC PREDICTS: Who are we kidding here, if Helen Mirren from The Queen doesn't win, I'll demand a recount. There hasn't been an Oscar favorite like this since Schindler's List.

ACTOR: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ryan Gosling, Peter O'Toole, Will Smith, and Forest Whitaker
JC PREDICTS: Because he's won everything so far, Forest Whitaker in Last King of Scotland. However, I wouldn't be surprised to see Mr. O'Toole win it. He's been nominated eight times, and lost them all. They might give him the Al Pacino sympathy vote here. I don't think it will happen, but of all the "upset possibilities", this is the best chance. There is almost always one surprise winner in the major categories.

DIRECTOR: Clint Eastwood, Stephen Frears, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Paul Greengrass, and Martin Scorsese
JC PREDICTS: Martin Scorsese, finally. Five previous nominations and no wins for the man regarded as our best director. This is his year. He got the DGA Award, and I cannot imagine they would deny him a sixth time. He probably would have got it in 2002 for Gangs of New York if the campaign didn't turn voters off. Every Best Picture nominee gets one award, and this is The Departed's best shot.

BEST PICTURE: Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Queen
JC PREDICTS: Originally, I really thought that Departed would do the director/picture combo here. After the Globes, I sensed that Babel was gaining speed, and began to lean that way. But after the Screen Actor's Guild Award (and the Producer Guild Awards), I'm going with Little Miss Sunshine. In some ways, it seems to trite to be a real contender. But I've learned not to vote against the actors. See, they make up the largest number of the Academy votes. That explains how Shakespeare in Love beat Saving Private Ryan in 1998 and how Crash beat Brokeback Mountain last year. A movie that showcases actors tends to get their favor. It also explains the worst travesty in Oscar history (Roberto Benigni winning the Actor prize in 1998 because he was a huge hit at parties with the actors). You win over the actor's, they'll vote for you. And the fact that they gave Little Miss Sunshine their top award makes me lean that way here. I wouldn't be surprised to see Babel win it, but I've been burned in my predictions too often by voting against the actors to do it this year. Babel would be my second guess.

That's it. The show is on Sunday February 25th on ABC. I'll update how I did that Monday.

Be Seeing You

Random Thoughts (Or How I Learned To Stop Smiling and Hate the Snow)

2007-02-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

Tuesday evening. The day before Valentine's Day. It's been snowing since roughly November of 1983.

Okay, not really. But it feels like that. I bought a snow blower back in December, because we have a lot of sidewalk (corner lot) and driveway. A long winter and my back is hurting through the Spring. For the first month, I didn't need to even touch the snow blower. It just sat there, without so much as a drop of gas in it. All that changed about three weeks ago. Now I'm out there at least once, and often twice a day. Whomever invented the snow blower deserves our eternal respect, and it was the best three hundred bucks I've spent in a good long time. But I'm sick of using it.

I'm sick of the cold. It hit me hard when I was grateful today that it was twenty, because that was almost forty degrees warmer than this time last week. Twenty should never be forty degrees warmer than anything. I'm sick of the snow. Got off of work today, and there was roughly four to five inches waiting for me (insert my wife's homoerotic joke here). Blew it all away, went and picked up Number One Son. Mrs. JC got home, we had dinner, the boy and I watched some Elmo, and than it was back outside for round two. Another four inches had fallen in those four hours. In some areas where the blowing drifted, it was taller than my blower.

So I'm done for the night, and looking forward to tomorrow, when I'll be out there again clearing off the driveway and walks. I've had enough. Winter could not end soon enough for me.

QUICK HITS:

1. Had a great day with the family on Sunday, as we were all home with nothing to do except relax. Number One Son and I woke up around six and watched some soccer on the DVR. Breakfast, shower, some snow blowing, and some playing. Around three I sat down in the chair and he climbed onto my lap. He dozed off, and I soon followed. When our eyes finally opened, it was after five. I'm not a nap kind of guy. Rarely, and I mean rarely, take them. But this was one of the all-time great naps. Few things make me feel more special than when Number One Son feels so comfortable and close to "Daddy" that he falls asleep on me.

2. Number One Son doesn't really care much for TV, which is good. He'll watch some soccer with the old man, but that's about it most of the time. However, he's fallen in love with the "The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland" movie since Mrs. JC bought it for him two weeks ago. The boy is nuts for the Elmo. He takes it to daycare (I'm sure our daycare provider loves us everyday for that one) and he asks to watch it every night. "Elmo! Elmo!" he chants while dancing with the DVD in hand.

It's actually a pretty good little film. He absolutely lights up whenever Elmo is on screen, and talks back at the right times. The Muppets and Sesame Street were favorites of mine as a kid, and still are something special. Learning combined with fun and a good sense of humor.

I was one of those guys who mocked the Barney's and Elmo's years ago before I had a kid. But after seeing the boy light up at the movie, and seeing how excited he was when we took him to see "Elmo's Coloring Book" live on stage in January, I'm a convert. Good lessons and funny characters. If Elmo is good enough for my son, he's more than good enough for me.

3. March 2nd is the date. "Zodiac", the new film from David Fincher comes out. I'm a huge fan of the books about Zodiac by Robert Graysmith. I've read both several times and find them both spooky and interesting. The trailer I've seen leads me to believe that this movie will be just as good. I've been waiting a long time for this, over a year. Cannot wait to see it on the big screen.

4. Weekend Football Update. Here are the results of the games I watched this weekend.

Hannover 96 2-Wolfsburg 2

Queens Park Rangers 0-Southend United 5

Manchester United 2-Charlton Athletic 0

Real Sociedad 1-Real Madrid 2 (probably the best game of the weekend)

ADO Den Haag 1-Ajax Amsterdam 2

Bolton Wanderers 2-Fulham 1

Chievo Verona 0-Inter Milan 2

Bordeaux 1-Marseille 0

UEFA Cup starts up again tomorrow. JC cannot wait.

Be seeing you.

Planet Football This Weekend

2007-02-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

Here is what's on tap for the ole DVR and ole JC this weekend from Planet Football:

FRIDAY
German Bundesliga
Hannover 96 v. Vfl. Wolfsburg (GolTV)

Coca-Cola League Championship
Queens Park Rangers v. Southend United (Setanta)

SATURDAY
English Premiership
Manchester United v. Charlton Athletic (Fox Soccer Channel)

Spanish La Liga
Real Sociedad v. Real Madrid (GolTV)

SUNDAY
Dutch Eriedivisie
ADO Den Haag v. Ajax Amsterdam (Setanta)

English Premiership
Bolton Wanderers v. Fulham (Setanta)

Italian Serie A
Chievo Verona v. Inter Milan (GolTV)

MONDAY
French Le Championnet
Bordeaux v. Marseille (replay of Sunday game-Setanta)

Not to mention the EPL Review Show and the Coca-Cola League Review Show on Monday, and I'm in Heaven here on Planet Football.

Plus, starting Wednesday, the UEFA Cup jumps back into life after the long winter break. And the Champions League will be re-starting week next.

Quick Hits:
-Congrats to our boys, as the US beat Mexico 2-nil on Wednesday. Yes, yet another 2-nil US victory over our bitches South of the Border.

-Congrats to Real Salt Lake, who got the final approval from the state of Utah to build their stadium in Sandy, Utah. This deal was as good as dead just ten days ago, and Dave Checketts was looking to sell his club to Saint Louis. I am extremely glad to see the deal go through. RSL have enjoyed some great support from their Utah fans in the two seasons they've been around. I'd hate to see them leave the state. I hate seeing any MLS teams move. Great news, and big thumbs up to Mr. Checketts for not giving up.

-Congrats to Kansas City Wizards, who announced they will play at Arrowhead Stadium in 2007. This was looking like a major disaster for the new ownership group, as the club had no home for the season starting in just two months. With Arrowhead getting renovated, they had to go elsewhere. Which would have meant a pro team playing on a college or, worse yet, high school pitch for two seasons. Still hoping they get a stadium okayed soon, and hoping they start looking now for a proper place to play in 2008, as Arrowhead won't be able to bale them out.

-Colorado Rapids are making a major announcement as we speak. Rumor has the team changing names, which I hope doesn't happen. Colorado Arsenal isn't so bad, but (1)Name is not so bad that it needs to be changed, like Dallas Burn and San Jose Clash were AND (2) Nobody should associate with Arsehole of England.

The latest rumor, very late in the day, has them not changing the club name. That would be nice. They are changing colors of the kits, and the new design I've seen is very, very nice. I hope that goes through.

-Congrats to Toronto FC's front office and fanbase. Over 11,000 season tickets already sold, and the team has never kicked a ball! Add to that a brand new soccer stadium there, and it's looking like Major League Soccer was brilliant for heading to the Great White North.

That's all the footie news right now. I hope to post some more on my world this weekend.

Be Seeing You.

The Man Behind the Shit

2007-02-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

So, four posts in, it's about time to describe myself a bit.

I'm a husband to the beautiful Mrs. JC, also known as Barefoot Adult on her very own blog. I'm father to the wonderful Son of JC, now at 30 months.

I work at...well, to be honest, where I work isn't that important to me. Luckily, I'm not one of those guys driven by money. My job is just that, a job. A way to make enough money to pay the bills and such. I do my job, very well actually, but at the end of the shift I come home and forget about it.

I'm in my early thirties, and proud of it. Got some grey hairs on my head, and wear them with pride. I wear contacts.

No tattoos, as I hate them. Only jewelry I've ever worn, and ever will wear, is my wedding ring.

I'm not a big fashion guy. My wardrobe is basically pants or shorts (depending on the season) and a soccer jersey. I've got enough jerseys now that I can make it to the next wash cycle without wearing anything but.

I'm a man of simple pleasures. Outside of my soccer (eight games every weekend, a few during the week), I don't watch much TV. The wife and I are into Heroes, The Office, Scrubs, and My Name is Earl. I also DVR "Inside the UFC" every Thursday. Soccer and the UFC are the only sports I really follow. I do enjoy my TV shows on DVD. I'm the proud owner of every season of Good Times, every season of MASH, and the first seven seasons of Seinfeld. Just started collecting The X-Files. Have four seasons of NYPD Blue, and season one of Twin Peaks.

I love movies. Really became a fan on January 1, 1989. That day, while my family watched a Notre Dame bowl game, I went into my room and came across the movie "Ordinary People" on WGN. I thought it was brilliant, and it was that exact moment when films went beyond just another form of entertainment to me, and became an art form.

I love films, and I love watching the Academy Awards. I enjoy the whole award process, and that's why I started my own award (The Jeff Awards). I've got those on another blog. I've got a whole process to it. I create a list of 100 films from the year. I watch the 100 films. Then, I compile a list of nominees. I go back and re-watch the five films I've got up for Best Picture one more time, than "announce" the winners to the five or six people who give a rip. But I enjoy doing it.

I'm a big fan of music too. I enjoy all kinds. I especially get excited when I come across a musician who just knocks it out of the park. You know, when somebody just sings a song perfectly. So good that nobody should ever be allowed to sing it again, even in the shower. I've come across three such tunes in the last two years. "Turn of the Century" by Pete Yorn, "Bloody Motherf*cking A**hole" by Martha Wainwright, and "9 Crimes" by Damian Rice. I urge you to download them all right now and listen.

On a message board, I can debate politics. But I really don't like it. Too many doing too little for us. When a person's high paying job depends on your vote, chances are good they'll do anything to ensure getting that vote.

I love to laugh. I'm a quiet guy in person. I just don't do small talk well, so unless there's something to say, I shut up. I consider myself to be average looking, though Mrs. JC considers me hot. I did once have somebody say I looked like George Clooney, but I think he's wrong there.

I hate to shave, but the wife hates beards. We've come to the compromise. Now I've got the little goatee on the chin thing (is that a Van Dyke?), which she finds sexy.

My sense of humor leans towards the absurd. It's hard to write something funny for me, but people enjoy my sense of humor.

My friends and I are exceptionally cruel when together. Very much like the Seinfeld gang in that regard. There are, simply put, no lines to be crossed when we go out. Everything is fair game.

The whole videogame thing has passed me by, but I do enjoy relaxing with a computer game called "Worldwide Soccer Manager". It's a manager simulation game. You manage a soccer team, and that's it. You get the players ready to play, but when the 90 minutes kicks off, you can only watch them, just like a real manager. I also enjoy playing my Deal or No Deal PC game. But that's about it for games.

I love to read. Right now, I'm in a faze where I'm only reading non-fiction books. I like to know the facts behind the scenes.

I'm not particularly handy. When I get something to work, or build something, I feel a sense of pride.

Love writing. Writing screenplays. Have drifted away the last two years, with the family and everything, but still love it. My scripts tend to be realistic, I don't go for the happy ending unless it's the right ending, and I love to have a sudden ending. Not necessarily a twist or shocker, but I like things to just end. "The universe went out with a wimper, not a bang". I like people to be able to interpret different things from my scripts. I've also come to having only one word titles. Boiling it down to the barest essence. Simple, real stories. I'm very strong at dialogue. This year, I do plan to FINALLY submit a script.

I love yard work in the summer, but hate snow.

And that, basically, is me.

Be seeing you.

Super Sunday

2007-02-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

Today is one Super Sunday here at the House of Dung (or is that the Dung Heap?).

Off of work. Mrs. JC is home as always, and Number One Son is here. So we spent the whole day just hanging out. Watched some soccer in the morning with the boy, watched a movie with the wife while the son slept on my lap, watched "The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland" with the boy later on, and did some general playing.

Completely super.

And not because of Super Bore XLIZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Could care less about that. Well, probably couldn't care less, actually.

See, the NFL is just about the most boring thing on Earth to me. It's pretty high on the boring sport-o-meter. In fact, here's the top five to me:

1. Golf-I'll never see why people watch this on TV. A guy stands there, hits a tiny white ball, and gets driven to where it landed. I enjoy playing golf, despite sucking, but that's different from watching somebody else play it. Outside of Keira Knightley being out there in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never watch golf on TV.

2. Baseball-How this ever became the "national pasttime" is beyond me. I've watched all nine innings and twenty hours of Ken Burn's PBS documentary just this past September, and still don't see an attraction to it. For the most part, it's guys standing around. One pitches, one catches, one hits and one or two field players get involved. Plus, with no time limit to the game, it literally can go on forever. Being bored with a pre-set time limit is one thing. Being bored without a time limit is completely different. Outside of Kate Winslet batting in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never again watch baseball on TV.

3. Cricket-I'll admit. It's unfair to call a sport I do not understand boring. Maybe if I understood it better, I'd enjoy it. But I just don't see that happening. Less activity than baseball, and a bigger club than golf doesn't make it any more exciting. Outside of Allyson Hannigan hitting a sticky wicket in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never watch cricket on TV.

4. American football-How this ever got so big in the States is beyond me. A sixty minute game played out over three hours with about ten minutes of actual action. Guy passes the ball, incomplete. Guy runs the ball for three yards. Commercial. Guy passes the ball for a eight yard gain. Another commercial. Factor in every single play gets about three replays and you've got eight minutes of an NFL game right there. Last time I watched a single second of NFL was the Super Bore where the Baltimore team played. Last time I watched a single second of a college football game was Bob Davies last home game for Notre Dame. Got free tickets via work, and went simply because I was too polite to reject them. Outside of Stacy Keibler running back a kickoff in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never watch NFL football on TV again.

5. NASCAR-I know it's simplifying things a bit, but for me this is just cars driving around in a circle for three hours. At the end of the race, the drivers get points based on how they finished, determined by some system that even the President of NASCAR doesn't understand, and they move on. I can fathom getting caught up in a team, even in the sports I don't care about, but I don't get how you have a favorite driver. Never will. I just picture myself driving down the road thinking "Guy in the red Toyota sure does switch lanes with ease and confidence, without endangering any lives. He's my favorite driver now".

"Where'd Dick Trickle finish? Twenty-third? He got one hundred and forty three points? Brings him up to nine hundred and fifteen. If he finishes the next race with three flat tires and crossing the finish line in a flaming, upside down car whilst standing on top saluting the flag, he'll get the bonus points and be in the race for the playoff spot!" Outside of the cheerleader girl from "Heroes" driving in a Catholic school girl outfit, I won't be tuning in.

I don't hate these sports. Worse, I just don't care about them. If people talk about them, I drown it out.

But I do hate all the Super Bore hype. For criminy sakes! Enough already. The local paper sunk to a journalistic low this past week when featuring front page stories covering not major political news, the deaths of soldiers in Iraq, what Congress is up to, or any thing locally. No. One day we had a front page story about a grandma who sewed a Colts jersey together with a Bears jersey for her grandson. Yes, really. That was front page news.

The next day we had a front page story about a lady who gave birth. Holy shit! Call USA Today! Somebody gave birth! That only happens like twenty times a day at any hospital anywhere globally. See, it was news because her husband is a Bears fan. So now he can watch the Super Bore instead of being with his wife giving birth.

I can only imagine the love felt by a woman who's husband can't be bothered with the birth of his child because an NFL game is on the tube. But now that's not a problem, because the kid was born three days early! Thank every deity known to man, woman, and animal that the paper was there to cover that one.

Had it been me, even if I was the Bear's head coach's kid, when the reporter came for the front page story, I'd have responded with "Are you fucking kidding me? Child birth's a front page story now?"

What, did no elderly people pass a bowel that day, so they needed front page filter?

The only radio I listen to is Bob & Tom. When they waste my time talking about the Super Bore, pouring over the details of millionaire Manning's sore thumb (just seconds after mocking millionaire Nicole Kidman for being in a car wreck), I've had enough.

We are just hours away from the best part of the year for me, sports wise, almost. No NFL. No college football. No baseball. No NASCAR. And plenty of European football.

For a few short weeks, all is bliss.

Off to give the kid a shower.

Be seeing you.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2007-01-31T05:42:00.000-08:00

The home entertainment portion of my little life here on Planet Dung (does that make me a Dung Beatle?) is undergoing a change.

My entire life I've been a cable guy. Cable has been, relatively speaking, good to ole JC. But sometimes good just ain't enough. Sometimes you want more. Like quality service. Comcast has screwed up a few times in the past with us. It seems like every August/September I've had problems with my MLS Direct Kick sports package. Heck, I've had problems getting the Comcast people on the phone to understand what MLS Direct Kick is (typical response-"Sorry, sir, but we don't carry that channel" to which I respond "It's not a channel, and I've been getting it from you for the last two years." to which they respond "Sir, it's not a channel.").

But the big screw up was when we mailed out a payment a few weeks in advance. Suddenly, we were getting "late payment" notices. My wife finally mailed a second check. Shortly after, we get the original check back in the mail from Comcast. Seems some office lackey had torn one corner when handling it, so they mailed it back to us. They charged us a late fee for their own error.

So we switched to DirecTV, which offered us more for less. Now we get DirecTV in both the living room and the master bedroom. This has led to a tiny ego in the wife, who now stands on our bed every night holding her remote aloft and shouting out like Prince Adam turning into He-Man "I have the powerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!".

As part of DirecTV, we get Setanta Sports and Fox Sports Espanol, two more soccer channels to go with Fox Soccer Channel and GolTV. I get all the soccer I can handle, and all the big leagues from around Europe and South America. Coupled with my MLS coverage on the Disney channels and Direct Kick package this spring, and I'm in football heaven!

Just this weekend, I DVRed seven exciting games:

GolTV:
Bundesliga-Borussia Dortmund v. Bayern Munich
Serie A-Sampdoria v. Inter Milan
La Liga-Villareal v. Real Madrid

Fox Soccer Channel:
FA Cup-Blackburn v. Luton Town

Setanta:
Coca Cola League One-Gillingham v. Tranmere Rovers
French Ligue 1-Lens v. Saint Etienne
Dutch Eriedivisie-Roda JC v. PSV Eindhoven

And that's just the first weekend, Dungers!

Last week we switched our phone over to AT & T. A bit more than we paid before, but worth it because we also are getting AT&T high speed internet today, replacing Comcast internet.

So some big switches, and saving roughly forty bucks a month. Suck those eggs, Comcast!

In Other News:

Snow sucks. I told you that story to tell you this one. Snow really sucks. Using the new snow thrower about two times a day to keep our walk and drive way clear of the white shit.

Woke up today with another two inches on the ground (as opposed to my wife, who woke up with ten inches in bed-heeeyyyy!). I kid, I kid. Two inches on the ground, and two degrees in the air. I walked into the breezeway and lost all site of my gens for the next week.

Terminology update:
"gens" is genitals. Pay attention, people.

So it's cold out, and snowy. Spring cannot come fast enough. Thank Buddha that January is almost over. Now we just have to make it through February and all will be good.

Plus we'll be that much closer to Mrs. JC's birthday and the start of the Major League Soccer season.

Be seeing you.

Baby, it's too damn cold outside

2007-01-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

Some quick hits whilst sitting in a warm living room on a cold winter night.

1. First, me hates winter. Few things I can honestly use the word "hate" with, but winter is one of them. Near the top o' the chart in fact. I don't mind cold so much, as I work in freezers all day long. I do prefer the heat. I like running outside, hopping in the auto, rolling down the windows, and driving with a nice breeze in my hair. I like driving speed limit, and not inching along at ten miles per hour for fear of sliding into the cars around me. I love mowing the grass. I love waking up to sunshine. I see no real purpose for snow. None. There are many places on the planet that survive without seeing snow. So what's the point of it all?

2. Beckham is coming to America. It's good for the Los Angeles Galaxy, it's good for Major League Soccer, it's good for the MLS broadcast partners, it's good for the ticket sales, and it's good for soccer in America. Is he worth $250 million ($200 million of which comes from incentives/commission)? Yep. To get that dinero, he'll definitely have to earn it (and judging from season ticket sales after his signing league wide, he's earning it). Will he alone make soccer big in the States? Nope. But it's another positive step for MLS. MLS made many mistakes early on, but started righting the ship in 1999 when they hired Don Garber (who is THE best signing in MLS history, not Beckham). Since then, it's been baby steps to getting a soccer foothold here. That's a good thing. Try to leap too soon, and it all falls down. That's what the NASL did, and where are they now? Becks is one big step, and is a good one on the path to soccer being accepted in America as a big-time sport.

3. Manchester United again drop points on the same weekend as Chelsea. This is not a good thing. Far too often in the last month, Chelsea have dropped points and Man United has failed to capitalize. Saturday, the defending champions lost to Liverpool. United had the shot at going up by nine with a win, or seven with a tie. So what happens? They lose in stoppage time to Arsehole. Still a six point lead, but if United want to win the title in May, they need to get points when Chelsea fails to do so. I'm just worried that failing to get the points now will come back and haunt the Red Devils. Can't expect Chelsea to continue to throw points away.

4. Getting DirectTV on Wednesday. A couple of reasons for making the switch from cable (lifelong cable guy here), and one of them was the chance to finally get Setanta Sports. I've already got Fox Soccer Channel and GolTV, but have heard only rave reviews of Setanta. Time to see if it lives up to the hyperbole.

5. Hillary is going to run for Prez. My gens have a better shot at winning in 2008. I know she has a dream here, but time to be realistic. The right wing hates Hillary more than anybody ever. bin Laden would have a better shot at winning their votes. They will smear her ten times worse than Kerry, and it won't matter if it's (Beyond Belief) fact or fiction. Not to mention she's a woman, which I can't see any woman getting elected at this point in time. So she's already lost any chance at the right wing vote or the chauvenist vote. And there's no guarantee she'll get all that many liberal votes. I don't even see her winning the nomination of her party.

And really, does any of this matter right now? The freakin' primaries don't start for another year.

6. There is no number six.

7. I'm officially coining the term "Hedbergian" in honor of the late, great Mitch Hedberg. Yes, I like toast too.

That's all I got. The boy's in bed, the wife is in bath, and it's time for to rest these old bones for the night.

Be seeing you.

IN THE BEGINNING...

2007-01-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

...There was a blog (Common Sense Version 2.0), but I quickly forgot the password and could never update it. Soon there was a second blog (Common Sense Version 3.0, pretty original) but it became easier to avoid every day. There was a third blog (Notes from Planet Football) dedicated solely to my passion for football (soccer here in the States). But that too became easy not to bother with. With zero readers, who really cared?

Basically, three blogs died due to my sheer laziness in updating them.

But out of the ashes of those dead blogs comes this one. Dung!

With so many past failures, why try anew, you ask? Because now I'm ready to succeed. If at first you idiotically forget your password, try again. If then you simply become lazy, start two blogs at once. If those wither on the vine, well, what will one more failure hurt?

Actually, my wife started blogging, and she's good. Too damn good. I suspect ghost bloggers working round the clock in some small Asian country doing her evil bidding. I kid, I kid. But she's so darn good at it that my past failures suddenly felt embarrassing. I couldn't go down without a fight.

So I'm back, back again. Starting new in a New Year with a new blog. This one will be a combination of the two that died pathetically. I'll focus on the inane minutia of my little life and on the passion for the world's game.

And, in the grand tradition of all three dead blogs, nobody will read this one either! So I can do and say whatever I want, with no fear of complaints or agreement!

I'm giddy with the absolute power of total anonimity.

If a blog is posted in cyberspace and nobody reads it, does it make a sound?

In the weeks and months ahead, I shall be posting more regularly. If only to say to my wife, in the most immature voice ye shall ever lay ears on, "Well, my blog is updated too!"

So sit down, pull up a chair, and surf the web. Maybe, just maybe, you'll make a wrong turn and find this. I'm sure you won't read it, but maybe the title will make you chuckle as you move past.

Just so you don't think I'm a complete quitter, I do have one blog that is still out there. The little seen, completely meaningless "The Jeff Awards", detailing my own awards for film.

Now, it's time to hit the hay and forget this password too.

Be seeing you.