Grindhouse? More Like Outhouse!

WHAT I'M LISTENING TO: Some Dave Matthews "Crash into Me" to remind me of first meeting my Kimbers eight years ago. Plus, Greg Laswell's version of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun". If you haven't heard it, go search it out now. It's achingly beautiful.

WHAT I'M READING: Nothing right now. Just finished MajorLeagueSoccer issue three. Library time.

WHAT I'M WATCHING: Well, Twin Peaks season two shall be finished this week. Some Spanish LaLiga football from the weekend, and more below.

OKAY, so I like cheesy films some times. Shoot me. The excellent 2007 film "Grindhouse" inspired me to look some up, and Netflix obliged by having something called "The Grindhouse Experience Volume Two". So I quied up the DVD and it came last week. Awesomely cheesy shit! There was two Italian made sword-and-sandal epics from the 1960's that I skipped. But the flip side had the goods (or bads, or bad goods): The 1983 stink bomb called "Stryker" and the 1983 turd named "Atlantis Interceptors".

Stryker is one of those truly horrendous movies that you can't help but smile through. Filmed in some desert, it's a post-apocalyptic tale of a world without water. In the beginning, this woman is being chased by the poorly attired villains. Immediately, it raises the question of why everybody dresses like rejects from Loverboy in the post-apocalyptic world. But I, like the script, digress. They capture the woman, who has some water on her. They are about to beat the location out of her when our hero Stryker shows up with expert marksmanship and a leather vest and cowboy hat with spandex pants. He's a man of few words, probably because that would require acting ability. He saves her, of course, before losing her back to the baddies. I wondered at first why he bothered wearing his cowboy hat. Later on, when I saw what the humid desert did to his big, bushy curly permed hair, I wondered no more. In his quest to save the girl, Stryker and his ally wind up with a group of survivors. It is here that the touching love story unfolds between one of the babes and Stryker's ally. I call him Stryker's ally, because until the last minute of the movie they never bother to give him a damn name. And when I type "love story" I really mean they stare at each other a few times before kissing, than he runs to hold her in the end when she's been shot. Right now, I can't recall him having any lines. Probably for good reason. My favorite character was the bad guy's evil henchman. Normally, these are badass, intimidating types. Not in "Stryker", kiddies. He's tall all right. He also has arms scrawnier than my three year old and a gut bigger than a pregnant woman. Couple that with spindly legs that couldn't hold up a card table, and you've got quite the sight. My next favorite characters were a group of midgets who followed Stryker for no real reason. Like some kind of post-apocalyptic Oompa Loompas. They spoke an odd language, but it didn't really seem to matter, because Stryker never seemed to acknowledge them.

Atlantis Interceptors made even less sense. These two heroes repeat inane dialogue for the first fifteen minutes before a group of scientists somehow raise Atlantis. It wipes out the population, save for our heroes. Than the Atlantans proceed to hunt them down. I couldn't figure out why the Atlantans had a variety of weapons, ranging from swords to arrows to shotguns. But who am I to question the historical accuracy of this cinematic masterpiece? I also couldn't figure out why the head villain was driven around in a classic car, but again, what do I know about Atlantis?

Both times through protracted and poorly acted battles featuring horrifically bad special effects, the heroes won the day.

I can't wait to get disc two in the mail!

WEATHER UPDATE: Last time, I mentioned the snow fall over New Years. Turned out the final tally for the three days was over fifteen inches. Have no fear faithful reader(s?), it was a gorgeous sixty-five degrees today, and all fifteen inches are gone. There is no truth to the rumor that I used the Manaconda to measure how deep the snow was.

That's all for now. Stay tuned for a short posting soon.

Be Seeing You.