Super Sunday

Today is one Super Sunday here at the House of Dung (or is that the Dung Heap?).

Off of work. Mrs. JC is home as always, and Number One Son is here. So we spent the whole day just hanging out. Watched some soccer in the morning with the boy, watched a movie with the wife while the son slept on my lap, watched "The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland" with the boy later on, and did some general playing.

Completely super.

And not because of Super Bore XLIZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Could care less about that. Well, probably couldn't care less, actually.

See, the NFL is just about the most boring thing on Earth to me. It's pretty high on the boring sport-o-meter. In fact, here's the top five to me:

1. Golf-I'll never see why people watch this on TV. A guy stands there, hits a tiny white ball, and gets driven to where it landed. I enjoy playing golf, despite sucking, but that's different from watching somebody else play it. Outside of Keira Knightley being out there in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never watch golf on TV.

2. Baseball-How this ever became the "national pasttime" is beyond me. I've watched all nine innings and twenty hours of Ken Burn's PBS documentary just this past September, and still don't see an attraction to it. For the most part, it's guys standing around. One pitches, one catches, one hits and one or two field players get involved. Plus, with no time limit to the game, it literally can go on forever. Being bored with a pre-set time limit is one thing. Being bored without a time limit is completely different. Outside of Kate Winslet batting in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never again watch baseball on TV.

3. Cricket-I'll admit. It's unfair to call a sport I do not understand boring. Maybe if I understood it better, I'd enjoy it. But I just don't see that happening. Less activity than baseball, and a bigger club than golf doesn't make it any more exciting. Outside of Allyson Hannigan hitting a sticky wicket in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never watch cricket on TV.

4. American football-How this ever got so big in the States is beyond me. A sixty minute game played out over three hours with about ten minutes of actual action. Guy passes the ball, incomplete. Guy runs the ball for three yards. Commercial. Guy passes the ball for a eight yard gain. Another commercial. Factor in every single play gets about three replays and you've got eight minutes of an NFL game right there. Last time I watched a single second of NFL was the Super Bore where the Baltimore team played. Last time I watched a single second of a college football game was Bob Davies last home game for Notre Dame. Got free tickets via work, and went simply because I was too polite to reject them. Outside of Stacy Keibler running back a kickoff in a Catholic school girl outfit, I'll never watch NFL football on TV again.

5. NASCAR-I know it's simplifying things a bit, but for me this is just cars driving around in a circle for three hours. At the end of the race, the drivers get points based on how they finished, determined by some system that even the President of NASCAR doesn't understand, and they move on. I can fathom getting caught up in a team, even in the sports I don't care about, but I don't get how you have a favorite driver. Never will. I just picture myself driving down the road thinking "Guy in the red Toyota sure does switch lanes with ease and confidence, without endangering any lives. He's my favorite driver now".

"Where'd Dick Trickle finish? Twenty-third? He got one hundred and forty three points? Brings him up to nine hundred and fifteen. If he finishes the next race with three flat tires and crossing the finish line in a flaming, upside down car whilst standing on top saluting the flag, he'll get the bonus points and be in the race for the playoff spot!" Outside of the cheerleader girl from "Heroes" driving in a Catholic school girl outfit, I won't be tuning in.

I don't hate these sports. Worse, I just don't care about them. If people talk about them, I drown it out.

But I do hate all the Super Bore hype. For criminy sakes! Enough already. The local paper sunk to a journalistic low this past week when featuring front page stories covering not major political news, the deaths of soldiers in Iraq, what Congress is up to, or any thing locally. No. One day we had a front page story about a grandma who sewed a Colts jersey together with a Bears jersey for her grandson. Yes, really. That was front page news.

The next day we had a front page story about a lady who gave birth. Holy shit! Call USA Today! Somebody gave birth! That only happens like twenty times a day at any hospital anywhere globally. See, it was news because her husband is a Bears fan. So now he can watch the Super Bore instead of being with his wife giving birth.

I can only imagine the love felt by a woman who's husband can't be bothered with the birth of his child because an NFL game is on the tube. But now that's not a problem, because the kid was born three days early! Thank every deity known to man, woman, and animal that the paper was there to cover that one.

Had it been me, even if I was the Bear's head coach's kid, when the reporter came for the front page story, I'd have responded with "Are you fucking kidding me? Child birth's a front page story now?"

What, did no elderly people pass a bowel that day, so they needed front page filter?

The only radio I listen to is Bob & Tom. When they waste my time talking about the Super Bore, pouring over the details of millionaire Manning's sore thumb (just seconds after mocking millionaire Nicole Kidman for being in a car wreck), I've had enough.

We are just hours away from the best part of the year for me, sports wise, almost. No NFL. No college football. No baseball. No NASCAR. And plenty of European football.

For a few short weeks, all is bliss.

Off to give the kid a shower.

Be seeing you.